To all you felons who have been around for a while you probably remember the times when MCRime was quality.  You could rely on it for the news before anywhere else, you could rely on it's rumor busting and a friend whenever you needed one, a place free of judgement and you could just be yourself.

I have a confession to make ...one that I wasn't even willing to make to myself.  MCRime started to go downhill because I started to not believe in it as much as I had.

You have to understand my days at the time consisted of getting up in the morning checking MCRime myspace, then checking it like every 20 minutes throughout the day either online or on my sidekick...constantly looking up stuff on mcr and constantly networking to make mcrime a success because I wanted to help people and thank the band that gave so much to me.

I never stopped wanting to help people and i never stopped wanting to thank MCR, but I did start wanting to have a life beyond a computer.

It became so hard and frustrating when I wasn't getting a lot of help (mostly because I was so scared that someone else would come on board to help and not be as dedicated as I was so it was my fault) but the more overwhelmed I became the more I felt I messed up and the more i lost the desire to continue.

But a big thing that had changed...when I started MCRime I was still very much grieving, I was a victim and my own villian.  I had never dealt with the death of my mom, the desertion and eventual death of my father, my brother putting a gun to my head, constant financial strugles, constantly feeling alone... "sometimes I think I'd like to die alone live and breath and die alone" that was me, but there was these times where I wanted so much to be around people and have people in my life, but I had been a loner so long that I had realized that I had forced myself into lonliness.  When I tried to interact with others I had a writers social skills. (Can express themselves very well online and be themselves in ink...but just come off as crazy in person lol)

I was a complete mess, I even created the website for MCRime while homeless hiding in the conference room at my job late at night stealing wifi. I needed MCR and I needed MCRime just as much as I wanted to help others, I needed to save myself. One time Gerard said "we made this band because we needed to save our lives" by doing so they saved many others.  Mayb that was subconscioiusly my goal.

This past year has been both horrible and wonderful. I have made many lasting and loving friendships, experienced a lot of new things, have learned to deal with adversity and have learned how to communicate in social situations better.  I have become someone I actually like. I'm a good friend,  I'm a good person, I'm pretty in my own way, I'm smart in my own way, I'm strong in my own way. These are lessons MCR laid the ground work for ...but eventually I had to leap and try....it's been heartbreaking and heartwarming. And as a result of it all, I have grown away from the computer...I've been online everynight for the past 2 weeks....instead of checking websites I've watched full seasons of sitcoms on hulu (I really like the show Castle and who saw the pilot episode of V it looks sooo cool...scott wolf was one of my childhood crushes "Party of Five")

I got thinking "I don't need MCR anymore" and "i really need to buy more clothes so that I don't have to wear an mcr hoodie or tshirt everyday because it's my entire wardrobe" and "I need to tuck all those posters away" and "God am too old to have a boa i got from a concert hanging on my wall" but over the past two days that changed.

You see I was letting MCR become a fond memory instead of a present passion. Like a favorite toy when you're a child that ends up on a shelf in a corner.

For the past 2 weeks I have gone through some of the worst stuff I've gone through in years (being deathly ill, no income, bills stacking up etc) but I've had great friends to help me through it all...I still have a reason to wake up in the morning.

My whole point of writing this blog to you was because here's the thing...I thought I didn't need mcr anymore I even had fewer songs of theres on my 16gb ipod when my 4gb ipod had every single live, demo, studio song i could find. Well another fun happening was someone stole my 16gb ipod last week and Ive resorted back to my dinosaur ipod.  Tonight I was driving home kinda complacent, then "i'm not okay" came on...i turned it way up and started to cry with this big grin on my face as I sang the words. After a minute I started to laugh...'I wonder what MCR would think if they saw this reaction to their song' I thought. haha I had wanted to cry all week but I hadn't allowed myself, the second I heard MCR the rush came back...that thrill that warmed me when i heard their music, the feeling like I came home...walking into the kitchen on thanksgiving.

I ended up driving around for a few minutes even though I really couldn't afford the gas.  They reminded me to do what they'd taught me to do in the first place. Get the fuck back up and keep going. My life is really bad right now but it's also really great. I have a band that's given me so much and friends that have become family. David Bowie once said "no one can do anything alone" It's true.

So I'm not going to make you promises but I had been wondering if I was going to try to revive MCRime, wondering if it was too damaging to have the website cave because I couldn't afford it, I allowed myself to think I couldn't rebuild it, I made mistakes and I wasn't perfect. I always thought I had to be perfect, I spent so much time trying to create an image I forgot to just be myself...and because I wasn't fully myself I made mistakes.  But here's the thing. I've been a loner for about 15 years. I'm still learning. I still make mistakes. I'm not perfect and maybe I make more mistakes than most but I'm ok with not being ok. And for the first time I really mean that. I can only hope for patience and understanding from those who feel I wronged them, I've never intentionally harmed anyone, even when I've really wanted to and they've more than deserved it.

One thing I've learned in the past few years is it's unreal how much you'll see someone wanting sympathy, caring, concern, help, friendship, love, but when it comes to returning it those very same people are mission in action.  I have a roommate that I took in because he had no where else to go, he gave me a sob story, he befriended me, and now he shorts me on his share of the rent, eats my food, steals my stuff, lets his friends steal my stuff (i.e. ipod), uses my things, breaks my things, and not once not ever, not even after punching me in the face one night for nothing, has he ever said "i'm sorry" and when I'm dirt poor because I've helped him out I don't ever hear "thank you" but a lease binds me to being stuck with him for a couple more months.  Or even times when a felon has known i'm having a bad day and I tell them as much and they still dump their problems on me...and even better, half the problems some of them dump on me aren't even true (I'm sorry I really don't believe that you're a drug addict living in an orphanage because you were living with your uncle that died in the bridge collapse that you were in too and survived and he was your guardian because both of your parents died in the world trade center...WHAT THE FUCK??) I'm a caring person people but I am a person. Most (99.9%) of felons are very sweet caring compasionate people but sometimes I dread coming online because I know there's a select few that are going to bombard me with a new list of false dramas (if you've been coming online complaining to me every time you've seen me online for 2 years about someone dying or some other major major traumatic event and it's NOT TRUE please just stop. I'm a busy person and I would rather spend my efforts on people that deserve and NEED my concern.)

So bottom line is that I will be more dedicated to you guys again.  Not as dedicated as I once was...I'm not willing to give up my life to run a website again. But I'll be restoring it and I hope you'll be happy with the results.

All My Love,
Warden Becks.