I got carded when I went to buy cigarettes this afternoon.  Granted, my hair was in a ponytail and I was wearing a t-shirt and dark sunglasses (to hide the bags under my eyes from another sleepless night).  But, still....it was kind of weird, as it hadn't happened in some time.  I still get carded every once in a while when ordering alcohol, but being carded for smokes hadn't happened in a LONG time.  And I'd left my wallet in the car and was about to go get it, but the guy behind the counter was, all, "lift up your glasses and let me see your eyes."  Oh, good Lord.  So I did, and he kind of gave me this look that said, "I'm not sure about you and I don't want to get in trouble" and asked, "How old are you?"  And I must have given the most shocked looked as I responded, "37."  He kind of just looked at me for another moment, questioningly, and then shrugged his shoulders and nodded and gave me my smokes. 

And that's when it hit me...Just how long do I expect to retain some degree of youthful appearance if I continue to smoke a pack a day?!?!?  Never mind the health issues; of course I think of these constantly and particularly in the last couple of weeks after Coachella while I've gone through several moments of struggling to catch just a glimpse of Oxygen while coughing and spasming nonstop, my lungs continuing an heroic attempt to clear out the insult done to them by three days of bathing in Indio pollen, while said lungs' owner (moi) rather non-herocially continues to scoff at this body's attempts at healing by pushing toxin-filled smoke into the wee alveoli and bronchi.  No...never mind this all, as it's been on my mind for the last couple of weeks but hadn't really brought about any change, per say.  It was the vanity issue that did it!!  HA!  (Well, it had to take SOMETHING.)

And, no, I'm not announcing that I'm quitting smoking...yet.  I'm realistic, here.  I'm a friggin' addict.  And whether it's the nicotine or the habit (for me, more likely the latter, as I can go hours and hours without smoking if I'm not being "triggered" by driving, or being on the computer) isn't the point.  I know I'm not "ready" to just up and quit.  I don't WANT to quit.

However!  I had to do SOMETHING to move toward that, right? 

On an unrelated note, though it is eventually pertinent to this blog, I've had this desire to break something for a long time, haha.  You know, like in the movies, when people get all dramatic and break dishes or punch holes through walls or whatever.  I feel like I have that kind of need to emote dreadfully dramatically and drastically somewhere deep in me, but let's face it I'm not big on huge external demonstrations of emotions.....and yet it's there, this desire to have that one moment of being emotionally out of control and near-psycho!!  HA!  Mostly, I have always wanted to break something, haha!!  And I was driving home, thinking about how I can't possibly keep from aging horrifically if I don't quit soon and getting a big angry about it, and wondering what symbolic act or something I could do to at least make myself cut down, right?  And I thought, well, I've been talking up making my house non-smoking, and throwing out all the ashtrays, but I never do it.  I need to do that, not because I want to but because I NEED to.

And that's when it hit me!!  I could break my ashtrays!!!  This might not seem like a big deal, but believe me when I say I grow rather attached to inanimate objects (hence my car's need to drive itself into a truck in a rather loud suicidal gesture, since apparently getting pipe-bombed was not enough for me to put Moonshadow out of his misery).  I've had these three marble ashtrays for most of my adult life. 

I remember the days I bought two of them in my early 20s, and there's all sorts of memories attached to each.  And it's ridiculous....THEY'RE ASHTRAYS, for fuck's sake.  And every time I consider smoking, I think about "hmm...should I store my ashtrays.  I mean, I might have guests that smoke, and it'd be nice to pull them out.  And they're really nice ashtrays.  I can't just throw them out.  What if I change my mind, and want them back?  I've had them forever....I know, I'll give them to my friends that smoke.  But is that cool, encouraging the collection of drug paraphernalia (and not even pretty hand-blown glass pipes, used for drugs a lot less likely to kill you and make you look old and worn in the process of getting to that death) in my friends while I go through the process of ridding my life of such accruements?!?!?"  Then I start to feel guilty and then I feel like a horrid horrid friend for even considering pushing ASHTRAYS (yes!  still talking about stupid ashtrays!) on people, then I push it out of my head and...well, I probably light up right about then.  It's fascinating, really, the shit my head comes up with sometimes.  Who the Hell feels guilty or gets sentimental about fuckin' ASHTRAYS!??!?!  sigh.

Okay, so back to driving home....I'm driving home with my circuitous thoughts and I was thinking about all of this and I just had this sense of needing to feel free of these thoughts and these circles I run in my head and of THINGS that are meaningless and, worse, whose only purpose is my destruction.  So I got home and rather joyfully threw out all the ashtrays save one (which will remain on the front porch, and is just an ugly porcelain ashtray with no sentimental attachment, haha), and had an especially good time breaking the three marble ashtrays.  :)

haha...I kind of just held them up and threw them---or maybe let them go---down to the floor, one by one, rather than pitch 'em at a wall or something even more cathartic.  I'm SOOOO still looking forward to one day doing THAT, though!!  ha!!! 

So my house is now a smoke-free house.  Welcome.

The front porch is mine to do with as I please!!!!  (if you sense ongoing resistance to quitting, you're not dense, then.)  But, there's this:  when I smoke outside, I smoke maybe half a pack a day.  I get bored sitting out there.  Inside, I smoke a pack or more a day, because I multi-task and chain smoke while doing it, like while working on the computer particularly.  So, this blog....no cigarettes smoked.  Any other time, I might have gone through 3 or 4 cigarettes while writing.  See?  It's a step in the right direction.  All suggestions for further steps are welcomed....messages saying the like of, "You should just quit" shall be ignored as it's just not going to work like that for me, despite my agreement with this assertion.  So save it.  :)~