And im not talking about the damn economy.  The great depression is inside my entire fucking body, but mostly, i think, it likes to hang out inside my thoracic cage.  But the damn thing that fucks me up the most is that shits actually going pretty damn good these days, comparatively speaking.  But it stays with me, follows me around wherever i go.  Nausea of the heart.  Seasickness of the mind.  Am i dreaming again?  I cant remember.  This shits still blurry even when i wear my glasses.  Am i living underwater?  Or is this just what air really feels like?  Have i been hallucinating, or can i really sometimes see the sound waves dancing all around me?  Why cant i pay attention to the very things going on right in front of my face?
    Ever since i saw my grandma in her casket, looking beautiful and asleep, but stiff as i had ever felt...  I dreamt of her death the night before it happened.  Someone had come to warn me, but everyone tells us that dreams arent real.  I cannot pretend to believe in the things that i have been taught anymore.  Because my soul tells me otherwise.  And who can i really trust besides myself?
    But i need to change the entire world in order to feel comfortable.  Just in order to breathe.  Because everywhere i look, i see how they are killing us.  There's fucking chlorine and fluoride in the fucking tapwater for christ's sake!  There are millions of radiowaves and god-knows-what whirring straight through my head and my brain feels like scrambled eggs.  Microwaves for radioactive food!  And for some strange reason all the shitty, processed, and thoroughly fucked-with food is way cheaper than plain, natural food.  Why the fuck is that?  How does it cost LESS money to do MORE things to a food product?  And the list goes on.  I cant go for five seconds without seeing my slow, inevitable death coming straight towards me.
    But how do you make a complete break from all this shit?  I dont want to be a hermit, i need my friends.  But i want to live like a hermit, in the forest, with a black creek running through my front yard, growing mosses that look like aliens.  If all goes well, i will graduate after the summer semester.  But i am way past being sick of school.  It is completely useless to me.  Im afraid of having a complete mental breakdown before i get done with this shit....  And until then i have almost no free time because i am constantly having to do shit in order to prove to someone that i have learned something specific, something that i will probably never even fucking use.
    I wish i could just hang out with Seed all day every day.  But i dont mean just sitting around and getting drunk, which is all that seems to go on most of the time when people hang out.  I want to really DO something.  But, oh yeah, i HAVE NO FUCKING FREE TIME.  Sometimes it seems like the only time i even get to see him is when we fall asleep together.
    But i cant wake up.  My mind is immersed in toxic swamp water.
    I dont want tv shows, police security, fast food, convenience stores, or all the comforts of the modern world.  I want the comforts of the earth.  I want dirt in my toes and grass in my hair and bruises on my shins from falling in the mud.  I want to meet up with some bigfoots and have a fucking drink.  Yeah, that would be nice....
    Until then, i'm gonna see if i can get some Prozac.  :)