Dear soggy carpet in new jersey-

     This is a very complicated situation. your one night female  companion was probaly over run with post coidal bliss that she had to mark her territory. like many wild animals she was simply showing the rest of the animal kingdon that you were hers! i would personally take this as a compliment however you cant buy a new piss free rug and dresser with compliments. i say deny your free flowing  urine buddy any further dates and simply mail the urine soaked rug to her parents house.

   i hope this helps-

            Bomb Town Crew*

Dear Cops live in new jersey:

       hmmm oppresive poilce officers huh? very odd, ive never heard of such a thing....

    well most people would go the cop killer route here..however most people that talk about killing cops dont kill cops and to be honest its probaly not your best best because frankly we are smarter then that., and we like our freedom. this is a rough one also. because as much as i hate to say it the police and government will do whatever it wants whenever it wants. so my only suggestion is to let them know you think their actions are wrong. i suggest making a stencil that says "FUCK (your town here) POLICE!!!". The only other guidance i can offer is to hope some cop goes Police Brutality on your ass and one of your friends gets it on tape. just make sure you are extra wirey so they pull out all the stops, tazer,tear gas, pepper spray. as long as he gets every unneccesary kick and punch on film BLAMMO! you can own the entire police force! its all you buddy

Bomb Town Crew*

Dear Bomb Town,

I too found myself with a lady friend doing our thing. I had'nt intended for this to happen but as we all know shit happens. and now she's all stero typical crazy lady getting far to attatched over a a stoned hook up. I dont want to seem lieka dick and curse her off. How should i go about breaking the news to my lady friend?

Dear dazed and refused:

    Go on my space. change your profile maritial status to "SWINGER" and your sexual orientation to "UNSURE" and change the part about why you are on my space to "DATING". she is obviously stalking your my space what else do girls do? so not only will she read that and get the hint but she will also most likely read this and get a bigger hint! if that doesnt work simply say something to the degree of "its not you its me....you are really nice and all but....sometimes weed makes you do funny things....like hmmm hook up with ugly chicks!" after that shes SURE not to talk to you.

     Bomb Town Crew*

Dear Night of the living chicken head:

     well first off i must go on the record as saying most of mondays actions can be described in one word YOLO!??!? (you only live once). secondly i must go on the record as saying that the human penis apperently can remain erect HOURS after the person has made his transition to the outerworld. so please please please do NOT rule necrophilia out as an option. who knows you might like it and how many times in your life will you get an oppurtunity like that? as far as the bodies are concerned  2 words WOOD CHIPPER. and if you spray the bloody remains all over your house/lawn/garage/ car/ whatever....thats what your parents get for going on vacation.

    Bomb Town Crew*

Dear Prosti-TOT,

   If thats what your mom thinks than it may or may not be true.as far as getting her trust back at this point i dont know if its an option. however getting revenge is.i suggest doing what every self respecting teen would do to get revenge on their nosey parents.eventually you will graduate highschool (its actually funnier if you dont) go to community college drop out and then spend your evenings taking your clothes off down at the local strip club for a bunch of kids you went to high school with.. granted they will be all fat and disgusting now however they wont be dead inside like you. BUT on the upside you always have the benefit of knowing that you are getting revenge on your parents. i also suggest at some point getting a drug addiction, an abusive boyfriend, and at some point sell your body for crack money. That will really make them proud. In conclusion the term "No self respect" is so 1996.....seriously move on with the times. THE FUTURE IS NOW!

Bomb Town Crew*

Dear distressed Big breasts:

      i mean really all realationships are based on physical apperance.having a HUGE rack/and or nice rack puts you at a great advantage. however nothing can disrupt true love....except maybe a huge rack basically my advice boils down to is Keep being persistant you never know where your huge rack will take you..

may the rack be with you.

BOMB TOWN CREW!

Dear five finger discount-

        FREE SHIT! who doesnt like FREE SHIT!?? I can understand that you are a bit concerned with your parents finding out about your secret. However if you start stealing stuff that they want you will notice that they may start to look the other way. because once again who doesnt like free shit?! the only other alternative is to....STOP STEALING SHIT!

        Bomb Town Crew*

Dear Bomb Town Crew,

OKAY,pretty sure I am totally UNFIXABLE (insert tears here), but, what the hell, give it a try!! I need a life, know where I can find one???? Life is boring (aside from my way cool son), job sucks and haven't had a man is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO long!!!! I need an adult life before my son gets to those teenage years where he doesn't want his mom anywhere near him!!!I live in B.F.E and there is just nobody here, nothing to do (adult wise, besides bars) and jobs are hard to find!! Other than moving, have any suggestions!!!  I NEED HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks!!

Dear sleepless in ohio:

          Sometimes when life gives you aids you have to make lemon aids. as far as finding an adult fun life its really hard to tell you what you should be doing. Other than moving my only suggestions are to slap some boobie tassles on and start shaking your money maker. Perhaps a new hobby would add a new flare to your life. i suggest going on the over pass of a busy intersection and dropping gallons of milk onto driving cars. or if you are paticularly motivated you can substitute the gallon of milk for a bowling ball. Other things i find fun are...

shooting bottle rockets at your friends

throwing up while driving

useing a home made tattoo gun to tattoo your friends when they are drunk.

distributing HARD CORE PORN at retirement homes.

distributing HARD CORE PORN at nursery schools.

really the world is your oyster. get a new hobby and start your new life as a degenerate low life!

YOLO (you only live once)

   BOMB TOWN CREW*

Dear Help wanted:

        well you have pretty much answered your own question, coming to the lets torch the store conclusion. however once again we are smarter than that. since you have put in your 2 weeks notice who gives a fuck? waltz right in there bitch slap your boss, take a dump in the urinal and tell them they can all eat your filthy asshole.because jobs come and go but if you are presented with this type of oppurtunity i say take it. take it and run! and if that doesnt make you feel better you always have torching the store as a plan B.

   Bomb Town Crew*

Dear Tommi I

I was at a party and i got a little too drunk. and in my drunken fervor, i broke edge...GxE that is. I sorta blacked out for a little bit and i dont remember much, but i remember being in the middle of it all and wondering what the fuck i was doing. and now im not so sure of myself anymore. can i really still call myself GxE? i cant decide if i liked it, cuz i was too drunk to remember. That drunken 40 minutes has haunted me for the past 5 days. What should I do? Am I living a lie?

sincerely,

sad and confused

Dear analy assualted:

                Well to be completly honest i never understood what this whole gXe was about. we were never cool enough to be let in on the inside joke.However based on the context i can offer some guidence.alot of people say variety is the spice of life. and they occasionally use the comparision between a single box of cereal and an assorted package of many cereals. basically saying "you dont want to eat the same cereal everyday so if you have a variety pack one day you can eat froot loops and one day you can eat coco krispys....etc etc" now that we are on the same page i get to my advice. even though you may have experienced something that you are unsure of your life is alot like that variety pack. if you buy ONE box of cereal you know you are buying it because you LIKE that ONE SPECIFIC cereal. now if you buy a variety pack you are more than likely going to not like at least one of them. or at the very least like other ones more than others....which is normal. so whether you are unsure of whether you enjoyed this experience you still got your freak on. so it may not be so much that you LIKE or DISLIKE it you just seem indifferant. which is fine.its like if you LOVE capt'n crunch and you LIKE frosted mini wheats its not going to ruin your day if you eat the fucking mini wheats you just would have PREFEARED capt'n crunch. so whether you are grooving up on some fly slimmy or face down in a pillow being bear hugged from behind by a hairy balding middleaged man named frank to you its really no differant. so to answer your question just be open minded and you will never live a lie. embrace your homosexual tendancies and go with the flow....because if you dont learn how to swim you are bound to driiizzzowned.

           Bomb Town Crew*

Dear Bombtown,

I really want to take advantage of this whole dear abby thing you got going on, but I can't think of a clever fake question to ask you.  Please help me to be as witty and smart as bombtown, so that I may be the most admired person on this great place we call "the myspace".  Love and anal beads

-some girl (NOT jenny whiskey)

Dear E=MCduh:

         You will never be as clever or smart as bomb town. this is an advice column not a magical genie. i can only give you advice not do the impossible. sorry for the confusion but please understand that we exisit on a higher level!

       (some band) not Bomb Town.

Dear duppy hair doer:

             This is an easy one. they think you look like marley because they are white and the only person they have ever seen have dreads were pictures of bob marley. so next time someone says "you look like bob marley" simply respond with "you would say that you racist cunt" generally that will shut them up

       Bomb Town*

Dear anal worship:

                 Hmmm well i havent lived in m town for a minute now. I believe its a bit ridiculous to say that all the girls in any given area are all whores. There are some good bring home to mom girls in M town you just have to search for them. but on the flip side if you want tto get your ass eaten M town is the place for you.

    hope that helps

          Bomb Town Crew

What up BTC,

Tommi Infamous will not stop calling my cell. I mean, we hung out a couple times and yea the conversations were ok, but it's getting a little stalkerish. So basically, how do I let him down easy and make sure he understands I don't want a relationship? Keep in mind he's a really emotional guy...very fragile.

Thanks,

Kev

dear arf arf derp derp pizza pizza:

             he must have recieved mixed singnals when you were face down biting the pillow. try to be more clear next time. work on expressing your feelings a bit more truthfully and he will appreciate your honesty.

            Bomb Town Crew

dear Bombtown crew advice column(ist)-

i am one of the mexican strippers who was shot and buried (she didnt follow your advice) as mentioned in a previous letter. that would be all well and good, however im not dead. i rose from the ground once more to walk the earth. im not sure wether i am a zombie, or a vampire, or if i was never killed at all... please help...

P.s. it's my 3 year anniversary in two days...what do i get the bitch?? 

Dear zombified in new jersey:

         much like starting a new job becomeing a zombie can be a very rough transition. my only advice is to stiffen up that upper lip soldier and muscle through this rough point in your life (after life). you probaly havent looked at all the BENEFITS of being undead. for instance, no more annoying photos or reflections in mirrors, you can only be killed by a silver bullet (and who has any of those anyway!), no more disgusting garlic, and life insurance is a thing of the past! there is a silver bullet lining to every cloud.

as far as the anniversary is concerned, just get her some cheetos, a 40 and some furry handcuffs and call it a night.

   Bomb Town Crew*

Dear  Theres no such thing as leftover criizzzack!:

                  Well you have pretty much answered your own question. there is absolutley NOTHING wrong with exploiting the addictions of others in order to pay your rent.One piece advice i can offer is to buy an old ice cream truck and put a meth lab INSIDE it. door to door meth delivery is truely an uncharted business venture and you can be on the ground floors and spear head this amazing new business idea! OR get yourself some POST op-trannys and do door to door tranny delivery. the initial investment for both of these ideas is low and sooner than you know it you will be rolling around in post op-tranny cash!

           Bomb Town Crew*

ps- mesa is really a shit hole.Come for the disgusting humidity stay for the crack.

Dear BTM,

So I live in a 4-Bedroom apartment with 3 other chicks. 1 is just a fucking slob who should kill herself (unless someone would like to help me help her, :wink, wink:) the other is the whitest white girl ever, but thinks she's indian (like from india, not like native american) and is unsure about her sexuality, and has extra cheese on her taco (a.k.a. chronic yeast infections) and is a big slut, and tells me she loves me and tries to get me to sleep in her bed and take showers with her and have big orgies with her, etc, but as said before, she's extra cheesy. Now the 3rd chick is super lesbian, but has a 40-something year old b/f who is a super stoner, and is always borrowing money from me, and is failing out of school, but wants to rail the shit out of me with a strapless strap-on.  What the fuck do I do? Seriously?

xoxox,

The Sane Roommate

The sad part is this is ALL totally true. Anyone is free to come over and see the madness for themselves.

dear 4's company:

              This sounds like the only reality tv show i would watch. however this is the break down. girl 1 can easily be pushed enough to the point of suicide. try making her life a living hell. i suggest blowing airhorns in her ear when shes trying to sleep or possibly a pot of boiling water to the face as she turns a corner. other than that playing annoying songs like the macarena on repeat while you arent home would urge anyone to kill themselves and it leaves you GUILT free. Tell girl 2 to power wash her vag and break up some of the cheese puffs growing in side her festering  love hole.as far as her thinking shes indian there is little or nothing one can do about that. its probaly some phase or something and at least you get some good curry dishes out of it.....and some sweat Ganish wall hangs. when it comes to the sleeping in bed,showering, orgy thing i suggest you agree to the orgy and show up in a diaper covered in your own shit and vomit. generally that deters even the filthiest of cheese covered filthys from wanting to bang you. now girl 4 just doesnt have anything figured out does she? just take her to a gay bar in NYC and find her a nice lipstick lesbian and im sure she will lose interest in her current significant other.

  hope that helps...and good luck!

         Bomb Town Crew*

Deat BTC,

So I'm a part of roller derby in NJ & you've probably seen some of us around, but is it wrong for me to want to rail some of my League Mates in the face with my roller skates? Honestly some of these girls really do need a nice ass kicking.

dear there is no I in roller derby:

          Well i believe  railing your fellow league mates in the face with your skates could create a bit of tension amongst the players. If these individuals have it coming they will eventually get it. its like karma or something like that. if you do fucked up shit fucked up shit will happen to you. so dont act....just sit back and let the ways of the universe have its way with these girls.

          BTC*

Dear Law and disorder:

         well although Bomb Town may not be the resource to come to when regarding legal issues i will do ym best to aid you in your issue. Yo fuck that mother fucker he had what was coming to him. as far as the legal side of it is concerned as long as you are a first time offender and this isnt a reoccuring issue with you. you should be fine. hopefully there are some witnesses that saw everything go down because that obviously would be in your favor. even if it goes to court etc...you should be fine. you will more than likely get off with a slap on the wrist.

         Bomb Town Crew*

Dear Bombtown,

I have a great boyfriend and things are going really well except for one thing...

Over the past two weeks my boyfriend has been receiving hickeys from one of his band mates.  I see TWO main problems with this, one...the hickey-giver (who will remain nameless but has the most beautiful blue eyes in In The Face   ---cough kevin athas cough---) is very attractive and the hickey-giving turns me on. I have actually been a witness to it.  Problem number two is that my boyfriend is very proud of his weekly tramp-stamps, thus making it difficult for me to run into my friends in public without my boyfriend explaining that he got his hickeys from "a great guy." 

Is my boyfriend gay?   Should I join in next time?

Please help!

Sincerely,

The Third Wheel

Dear Eiffel tower:

     Since i know the people involved i have to say YES your boyfriend is unsure of his sexuality. HOWEVER sometimes its HARD for a man who is looking to experiment to turn down such a pretty boy like Kevin The face. let him be free to express his love for his band members because if its a phase he will get over it. If he doesnt  get over it.the i suggest greasing yourself up and preparing for some Wobbely "H" action. let your boy toy and his new life mate fill you out like an application. Its fun safe(more or less) and everyone wins. i also suggest useing every available hole and nook and cranny to get your freak on. please dont leave out ears, eyeballs the back of kness and feet.

   Bomb Town Crew*

ps- the term "Tramp Stamp" generally applies to girls who have horrible butterfly/tribal/their names/ the sun/etc tattoos on their lower backs.. also commonly known as a bullseye for late night bedroom man juice target practice.

Priceless advice.

What would we do with out you?

THANKS BTC!

Dear americas top model:

    although you may seem like a troll girl when standing next to your ridiculously good looking boyfriend you should embrace that and realize everyone is beautiful in their own way even if they do look like their face was attacked by beavers.

 Bomb Town Crew

Dear style wars:

      Paint thinner...dick. and sorry.

         Bomb Town Crew

Dear style wars:

         Paint thinner....dick.  and sorry.

      Bomb Town Crew

Dear Bomb Town,

On Saturday night I attended my first mega-party of the high school year.  Everyone at the party knew it was my first night drinking, so I knew they would try and fuck with me.  However, what they did went way too far.  By midnight, I had pretty much drank myself into complete darkness.  I don't remember much after that.  The next morning my parents found me laying naked in a wheel barrell, with a feather duster hanging our of my ass.  I haven't had to face them since that night.  Tomorrow we are supposed to have a "family" talk.  I'm not sure what to say or how to act.  On top of that, i'll be back in school tomorrow as well.  I'm worried there will be photos on my locker or something. How should I handle this?

Dear regrets are final:

     Y.O.L.O (you only live once)!!!

        BTC-

Dear need some deep dicking:

    All we can offer is a gangbang... after that you are on your own. sorry!

BTC-

dear McGruff the crime dog-

    smoke crack. or do coke it stays in your system for way less of an amount of time. and park till your little hearts content.

BTC-