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Current mood:  aggravated Category: Life
Sigh, life is mediocre, per usual.
Bullshit is surrounding our life, but hopefully subsiding.
Moral of the story? Don't help people. Period. You get fucked over. No questions... not always the case with FRIENDS... but... random folks? (Lots of cases) Family? Naw... I'm gonna have to pass that along to someone else... o_o Sad but true!
I'm working as a hostess these days -- sooner or later I am convinced I am going to break though. It's pathetic, having my body ache so much. I'm 22 years old. I shouldn't be huring the way that I do from being on my feet for three hours. I should be able to dance like I could when I was sixteen... the dancing machine at the fucking Abyss. Those were the goddamned days, right kids? Life isn't like it used to be. So many people have left this world. So many rumors have been spread. So many people's hearts have been filled with hate. So much LIFE has happened since those care-free days.
Tomorrow I have an interview with a temp-agency. I believe they're going to be evaluating my skills, and figuring out where they can place me for some jobs. I hope that they tell me tomorrow that they have an opportunity soon. Like I said -- hostessing is not my piece of cake, fuck, it's not my piece of anything except my piece of PAIN.
I feel shitty.
I was supposed to call a phone number on Monday to get a referral to a doctor, and I neglected to remember to do it. I've had such a ridiculously stress filled week, trying to ignore... everything, really.
Got to hang out with a cool "new" friend from the club, and he got his hair done. Good times, let me tell you :)
I have to go to the DMV.
I have to go to the doctor's.
I have to fix my credit.
I have to save money.
I have to get another job.
I have to make more money.
I have to fix my body.
I have to pay my family back.
I have to finish updating my resume.
I have to
I have to
I have to
More often than not, I want to revert, to not have so many responsibilities.
I wonder, did I make the right choice? What would have happened had I just stayed in college, stayed at home, and saved my money... instead of...
Allowing myself to be "kicked out" (even though I had plenty of chances to come back)... ruining my credit (like a fucking tard)... not saving shit for money and just HAVING FUN when I fucking felt like it.
Sometimes I feel like I should hold regret -- but what is the fucking point, seriously?
Living with regrets just makes a person fucking miserable in the long run.
I am encased with enough misery as it is. Why create more things to dwell on that cannot be changed? I can only work toward a better tomorrow, and all of that optimistic bullshit... really.
I am an optimistic pessimist.
I remember all of the "advice" I've given to friends. I remember all of the positive, stay focused... speaches, pep talks I've given. How many I've helped. How many people I've been able to help keep on track -- why can't I do it to myself?
I don't know.
Makes no sense.
I guess it's...
All of this badness that's eating away at my soul.
:)
/pam
1:56 AM
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