3/18/09 ALBANY NY
First day of tour takes place in our hometown. Playing Albany is like using the bathroom connected to someone’s bedroom. It’ll do, but you’d prefer to use the bathroom downstairs where you aren’t invading that person’s space and they can’t hear you poop.
Some bands love playing their hometown. They’re in their glory, playing in front of friends who know every word and support them. We could give a shit. We only started touring because no one liked us locally. Years later, I think SOME people like us, but it’s nothing overwhelming. We play Albany because it’s there and sometimes easier than playing places that aren’t Albany. The show this night was a reflection of that. I felt low-energy; though I did nail the new song we played.
I acted as the promoter of this show and at this point my tax return hadn’t arrived so I was sweating. If the show went belly-up, I would be forced to call my roommate, my mom, and my little sister for cash. Thankfully, people showed up. 

3/19/09 TORONTO ON
Shoot the shit with the Cruel Hand dudes for a minute. I like them. They are into hardcore music and girls. Talk to some of the Bane dudes. I like them. They are into hardcore music and their wives.
Toronto is exactly what people told me it is: Clean. The streets are free of garbage. The people have nice skin. All the women wear high-heeled boots. All that probably sounds crazy to comment on, but on rainy days I ride the #55 bus to work. For those of you who aren’t from Albany, that means I spend 20 minutes immersed in a rolling shit-tank. Everyone on it is disheveled, unattractive, and dirty. The smell is that thick mustiness of cigarette smoke embedded in the fibers of a sweatshirt. Bad moms yell at their kids, bad boyfriends yell at their girlfriends, drunks yell at whoever. I’m sure Toronto has a dirty corner.  A #55 bus. But I didn’t see it.
I’d been on a steady diet of Rush for the month leading up to this tour and being in their hometown had me excited. I imagined Geddy Lee  in the audience, fist-pumping to our faster songs.
I think we played well.

3/20/09 OTTAWA ON
I’ve been the “ugly American” on four continents and fifteen countries, but I didn’t think the term could apply to someone visiting a country a couple hours from home. I proved it’s possible by being altogether ignorant about Canada. For example, I had no idea Ottawa is the nation’s capital. Shrug. I also had no idea there is a replica House of Parliament for cats that sits on the grounds of Parliament. I think Canada has a great sense of humor like that. Don’t take shit too seriously. They have a little house for cats next to the capital; their money has an illustration of children playing hockey. Way to keep things light, Canada.

4/21/09 MONTREAL QB
The venue is next to a spot called Pussy Corps. Sounds good, but I’m more interested in food. We walk into the storefront portion of the venue and are surrounded by sneakers and skateboarder “streetwear.” I’m sure we looked confused as shit and at least one of us suffered from vertigo. There is a certain sort of dude who is into that sort of clothing, and we are the other sort of dude. We rush out.
Have I mentioned how new this whole “buy-out” thing is for us? We are used to a certain type of DIY tour and this is a different type. The firs time someone hands us money for food we snatch it like Golum and nearly run out of the room. It’s so alien to us, we feel like we’re doing something wrong. But then it feels so right. Feed me.
I’m not sure people were into us at this show. A smattering of weirdos congregates up front when we play and a few people tell me they came for us, but overall I think the crowd is waiting for us to get off stage so bands they like can take our place. I take off my shirt and challenge Cruel Hand and Reign Supreme to a hot-body contest.
Late that night we meet up with some of the Bane dudes. Their drummer, Bob, is one of the funniest people I’ve met in a long while. He’s curt and seemingly irritable with a sharp sense of humor. He reminds me of my half-brother who layers profanity into every sentence and offers to fight the refs at his kid’s basketball games.  Hanging out with the guy is a gas.  He’s got an angle for every situation and gets us into places for free this night by explaining to owners that we are NOFX.
Montreal is like Pleasure Island from “Pinocchio. “ The kids run wild. We are on the street as the clubs let out and the place is a madhouse. We watch a kid walk down the sidewalk of the mainstreet spray-painting the storefronts with the same casualness one might employ when spitting on the sidewalk. We watch cops pull someone over, cuff him, then release him five minutes later. The cops are wearing camo pants and MLB-logo’d caps. The Cruel Hand dudes are in their element and talking to more women in a ten-minute window than I will speak to all year. One of them has fallen in love and we have to drag him out of the club.
We’d been told our van would certainly be stolen, as it is the Montreal way. We do our best to curtail this by taping notes in French and English explaining that anything of value has been unloaded and thieves should just press on to the next van.
I like Montreal. Seems like a place to buy nunchuks or get an STD.

Felt good to win the hot-body contest.

3/22/09 PORTLAND ME
So until a few weeks ago I didn’t know there was a Portland, Maine. People from Portland write us on Myspace and tell us they like us, but it never occurred to me that they would be writing from anyplace other than Portland, Oregon. I watched a news item about heroin use among teenage runaways in Portland, Oregon. That’s all I know about that place. I’ve never seen a news item about Portland, Maine- so I don’t know a thing about it.
I don’t think the people that like us in either Portland were at this show. Instead, it was people who were open to us and polite. Our set was cut short by a series of equipment malfunctions. But hopefully we left a strong impression. I slapped my hand to the stage while I was singing and pulled it away with a piece of glass lodged in it. That wasn’t really nice. Electrified mics and stages with nails sticking out of it or glass are the scariest.




APRIL DATES W/ BLACK TEETH
Instead of my typical self-involved tour journal, I will share our craigslist postings for each town and the responses we received to them.  These are real and so are the responses.  I’m not going to include the email addresses they were sent from, even though I think the people who sent them wouldn’t mind. Incidentally, Black Teeth were awesome. Young dudes who know a lot about the internet and loud equipment.

The following were posts and email responses from craigslist "Casual Encounters". So the content is adult. If you are 8, thanks for liking our music, but stop reading here. For the rest of you, I'll ruin the suspense: We didn't take any of these people up on their offers.

ERIE PA
Date: 2009-04-03, 11:47AM EDT
We'll be spending one night in Erie and would like to pass some time in a group sex fuckfest. All good-looking dudes, all different looking. Thin dudes, big dudes, athletic dudes. All clean, all not-crazy. Just looking for a good time. No drugs/no weirdos.
 * Location: Erie
 * it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Responses included (I'm using color to differentiate them):

i'd be willing to suck a lot of cock....i'm a great cocksucker

bi guy here....

will suck...swallow...expect nothing in return

could give u guys the best blowjobs u ever got....

wish youd  let a guy suck u guys off or use my manpussy  id love to take u all on mmm

How about a guy?

whats up guy, I'm 25, 5'10, White, shoulder length dark hair, and blue-green eyes. I am an Application Manager. I do believe in love at first sight but also know that sometimes it isn't that easy, somethings have to be built over time. Honesty, trust and happiness are very important to me. Here's my deal: I am recently divorced and trying out this whole Internet dating thing, so far, so good. I have met some really interesting and nice guys, but haven't met the one yet. Maybe it's me, maybe I'm not ready, not sure; but until then I am looking for new and fun people to spend time with. I am a 21 year old female that loves to have fun but yet also loves to just chill. I don't seem to really have one place I call home other then Cali. I am a nymphomaniac

Hey    stud ,   My name is  Katie?,   I am 30  years old and  kinda
drunk.  I saw your ad   So I figured I would see whats up   Reply back
if youre real

hell if u guys are ever in erie again and wanna use my mouth and ass I would be more than happy to get you all off..... try  me sometime.. may be a 45 year old gay man but I sure do know how to please


But the true gem in the Erie messages, was this exchange. Our responses will be in black, the guy who wrote us will be in red.

hi there! would you guys be interested in having my wife? let me know and we can talk more about this...and are you free sat. night??

Hey brother, we're open to the idea. We've got a great amount of replies on this. Erie must be a bumpin place. send pics.

**At this point he sends a photo of a woman bent over on an uncomfortable floral print comforter. The room is small and the bed blocks a doorway. ***

She looks great, man! I'm trying to figure out how to paste photos from the phone I'm on. We're all good-looking dudes, just in very different ways. I'm slender with tattoos, other dudes are more bearish, one of us looks like a baseball player if you can picture that. I'll try to figure this photo thing out.

ty!!!!

and there are five of you?

Five of us, though we may have a coward or two in the group. You two do this often?

actually this will be the first!!


HARRISONBURG, VA
Date: 2009-04-03, 11:57AM EDT
We're five dudes cumming through town this Saturday and need a ball-draining good time. STD-free/no drugs. Note the "F" in the post title. NO DUDES. Five is enough. We're not dangerous or straight-up weirdos so cum down and party.
 * Location: Harrisonburg
 * it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

We recieved no hits on this one. Weird.


I have no idea how we missed posting one in Baltimore. Seems like something that would go over well there.


DOYLESTOWN, PA
Date: 2009-04-06, 12:22AM EDT
5 MEN looking for some pretty kitty! No strings attached, you don't even have to know our names! Just straight fucking!
US: five eager young hung dumb studs. we love to ragdoll and are always looking for a group situation.
YOU: Preferably tight body, no drugs, no thugs, no weirdos. No racial preference, bring it all on.
North Korea has the bomb, we may all die tomorrow! Let's FUCK!
* Location: DOYLESTOWN
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Responses included (again, color-coded):
Hi..

I saw your ad on craigslist...

I am 28, 5ft 5, 120 lbs,
chinese girl here. ..now staying in
hotel near Doylestown for work..

Attached is my pic ...

Do you have more pictures as well?

Let me know if you are interested..
(This one came with two photos of a woman who looked a little rough, sitting in a hotel room, wearing a long sweater. We continued talking to her. She'll be in orange, we'll be in black.)

Nice to hear from you. I'm typing this from a blackberry and am trying
to figure out attachments to send you a photo. You look really good.
What exactly are you into?

Anything fun I guess...u?

Well the ad we put up was for a lot of dudes as we are traveling together, but we can pare that down if you don't want to take on that much.

There's always first time for everything..can I see a pic?

Sorry Farra, I'm not shy but I haven't figured out this phone yet. "Add Attachment" is an option at on my computer but not on this thing for some reason. I will work on it.

ok...so where u guys at

Downtown Doylestown.

Whats ur # so I can text u

To ensure you aren't a 50 year old man looking to kill us, do me a favor and send a photo to verify. Hold a cup from the hotel in the photo. I'll feel more comfortable and then we can really start talking.

i dont have a camera sorry



We didn't post anything for New Brunswick.