My first cigarette was in a ford escort with probably 5 other 15/16 yr olds who were all smoking and it was awful couldnt breathe felt like crap and can literally remember thinking can't beat em might as well join em...So I smoked one and probably wouldnt have again unless in the same situation...Cuz I was so sick...But my second job was a carhop at sonic where in order to get a break you either had to eat or smoke or go to the bathroom and I wasnt about to pay for that crap they call food...So thats when it started and I can remember going to concerts and feeling cigarettes were cool and something to distract from my own awkardness at the time...Thats how it all got started....

I had quit twice in my life both for 4 months each time and enedup starting back while drinking and usually with some worry on my mind too... its like ya just hafta smoke when drinking...The last 8 yrs I smoked alot cuz my job and past job allows/allowed...For the last year I really felt bad every time I lit a cigarette up I would think how stupid and gross etc...Also had pics of mouth and lung cancer on my comp...I was getting really fed up with all the money was being spent on them and the fact they're banned every where and some rich mf'er is profitting while people are dying from nothing more than smoking and now you cant even smoke in the restauants...So one day I went to the casino as I often did...and gamble till say 3 in the morning...Chain smoked the whole time....felt so bad and just stopped smoking didnt touch one on the drive home just enjoied breathing fresh air and realized part of the reason I felt so bad was the cigarettes...So why do I do it?

And then it just became a challenge like a crazy dare or something and I hadta take deep breathes every time I get in the car and dont have a pack... The scariest thing was going to work without a pack but it was so liberating to consciously say to myself ya know you will be ok without your smokes it wont kill you not to smoke...And I was like constantly telling myself to enjoy smelling good or my mouth not having that nasty smoking yuckiness...And I ate alot of candy got really stressed out was a total bitch and probably still am but am smoke free for over a year...sunflower seeds/ hard candy my only crutch...

There was a point just a couple months after I quit that suddenly smoking seemed like the only thing to do yet I didnt and that was the day my nephew drowned to death 9/1/07...We had been in the room and a priest came in and a detective and then we went to see our Bishop and he was gone there was nothing we could do...But it was though we couldnt leave that hospital...Outside everyone lit up and my first instinct to do the same but felt an immediate dont you dare come from inside me...Smoking was no longer an issue wasnt hard for me after that not as far as quitting smoking was concerned...And would never use my nephew's death as an excuse for me to give in and be weak...So many regrets, if only i hads, should of, could of...I think it is impossible to live without them when something happens like this you relive every memory and none of us are perfect...Looking back I wish had quit smoking sooner it really made me miss alot...With Bishop even, never been one to smoke alot or close by children so when I would play with him it would for a minute....Everything timed with a cigarette....Can remember telling him I had quit smoking and he was like why you do that? lol but he seemed happy about it and honestly seemed like I spent more time with him those last couple months...We had so many plans he was becoming a pleasure to take places....One thing was we were gonna take him to the fair that tuesday but didnt tell him cuz I refuse to break promises to kids...One promise I never got to keep was that he could spend the night with me and though my memory of the last week is all jumbled into the last night we had with him Im sure that he asked to spend the night to which I said no cuz I had to work :(((but really I did want him to and should have, he may of never been asked to go to a pool party...Cant tell you all the things like that which come to mind and swarmed in my head nonstop until just recently...

Anyways since all that quitting smoking was very easy...and Im the worst non-smoker ever now...but had no idea how violated you feel when you dont smoke and someone blows it in your direction it is getting all over you and in your lungs and it hurts and it stinks. I hate it now...yet I still want one very rarely but I wont. It even looks silly to see someone smoking... I gained 40 lbs at least and have now lost 26 lbs still counting :)