Well, I'm having a really bad night. There's really not one reason for it, it's a mixture of all sorts of things, different people, whatever. I decided that I was going to have a River Phoenix marathon tonight and that really turned out to be a bad idea on my part.

My first crush was on a boy who lived inside of my tv & vcr. My daddy used to put in this tape for me when I was sick, and that tape had a movie on it. The movie was Stand By Me and it starred the most beautiful human being to ever walk on this planet, to ever bless us with his presence, the most talented person ever. I used to sit in a pink plastic Little Mermaid chair in my feetie pajamas and watch that movie all the time and think about how much I wanted to reach through the tv and take that little boy by the hand and stop his tears, I wanted to make him happy. I eventually found out that this boy was no longer alive.

It's always sad to hear about people dying young, especially celebrities, but then you get to these people who just ooze with so much talent and their careers are so promising...and it's gone in an instant. I really think the recent death of Heath Ledger has stirred up my strong feelings for River, but they've always been there and if you've been friends with me for awhile now, then you already know that.

Every Halloween since I've been about nine or ten years old I light a candle in rememberance of Hollywood's favorite son. I watch Stand By Me, Running On Empty, and The Thing Called Love and I just keep him in my thoughts. Don't ever let him fade out of our memories, please. Don't let his talent fade.

I know, I probably seem stupid for writing all of this about a boy that I never even knew, a boy who died when I was only  two and a half, but he's important to me. He's very important.

Can you imagine how amazing things would be if he was still alive? I imagine he would've pursued his musical career even more...and I would've listened. I imagine he would've made more movies...and I would've watched them. Maybe he would've made a movie or two with his brother? I guess we'll never have the chance to know, will we?


RIVER JUDE BOTTOM PHOENIX
August 23, 1970 - October 31, 1993.
I love you, I miss you.

"The director speaks,
the cameras are rolling.
A boy steps between the backdrop & the lights.
He's stealing the scene with the crew as his witness.
The whole industry will judge him come academy night.

& they say he's too young to surrender
& they cry out & call him by name..
Their graffiti tells how he's remembered.
Still the river runs on just the same.
Run, River, run.

His legacy speaks in the canister rooms,
in the archives of great studio halls.
& there it will keep like a secret that's whispered between lovers
and those who never knew him at all..."
'River' - Ellis Paul.