i do not understand how my mind works the way it does.
i am offered something/someone openly.
i tentatively accept, because when offered something/someone freely, you must question the sincerity behind that offer.
i temporarily defer the offer due to extenuating emotional circumstances that need time to breathe.
i make excuses as to why this offer is not "the right one"
i explore other potential offers that look better on paper,
but as is often the case, once brought off the page and into play,
they lack that certain something that would entice me to stay,
so as per usual, i sneak out the back door with no goodbye.
a horrible habit i wish desperately to break.
which brings me back to the initial offer:
a chance encounter followed by,
a dance, a drink, an almost kiss
the lacking chemistry of the former situation
is clearly present in this.
the initial offer is presented one more time,
at least i thought it was.
finally ready to accept that beautiful offer,
respecting the laws of human chemistry that cannot be ignored,
ready, i'm finally ready ready ready,
emotional baggage left behind at the station,
i'm here, ready and waiting.
and waiting.
and waiting.
and waiting.
and waiting.
(insert 50 more "and waiting's" here)
then nothing.
just nothing.
here begins the misunderstanding of the universe.
and this lies entirely within the contents of my own crazy mind.
as soon as the offer vanishes in thin air,
i am finally very very very interested.
the complexities of the human psyche and desires never cease to amaze and baffle me.
as soon as something becomes unattainable, we want it immediately.
so at this moment,
while i am "and waiting",
i am left alone with my own crazy thoughts,
to wonder,
whether i am genuinely interested in the offer i was presented,
or if i have merely fallen into the unavoidable human cycle of rejection and desire.
i find it entirely plausible that once offered to me again,
i could easily lose all interest which has been steadily building over the past days.
do we ever really want anything?
or are we simply offered and denied it in a very specific formulation?
one which holds our interest but doesnt make us run away.
how easily people get scared away in love never ceases to amaze and baffle me,
and i am one of those people.
but  when it feels right,
just feels right,
i'm not scared,
just peaceful.
you might think i would be most scared in that place,
afraid to lose that peaceful existence,
but i'm not.
distracting words dance from your lips.
trying to regain my trust.
trust me, it wont happen, not again.
if you love something, give it away.

perhaps i've lost it already.
but was there really anything to lose in the first place?