I feel like flowing, so I'm going to lett my mind go a little here.



I'm waiting for something real to come along.

I've got a real job finally, one I like with people I like.

But I suppose I'm waiting for someONE real more than someTHING real.

I'd like to meet a musician I can truly work with, someone who won't blow off plans to get together and play so we can start putting something great together.

I feel like my voice is being wasted on the unmotivated. I want to sing. I want to be on stage in front of a crowd with a group of friends as we play our fucking hearts out on a regular basis, making music straight from our psyche. I want to put my soul into an audible format. Maybe I'm not putting myself out there enough. Maybe I should be making myself more public.

As a matter of fact, now that I have my computer back (thanks again Daniel!), I'm going to do something about it right now. Craigslist, here I come.

As far as women go, I'm somewhat indifferent at the moment. I'm happier right now than I've ever been being single, just living and loving life. But it'd be nice to be able to share that life and love for it with someone. I haven't been in a meaningful relationship for about a year now, just sort of been running into the wrong women and wasting my time on them as they screw me over. So many things feel like they're finally coming together for me right now, so I'm wondering when love will join the party. No rush of course, because I'd prefer it real and late than shallow and soon. I've been chasing love for too long, so I'm going to wait for it to come to me and see how that works out.

The other day I found out my dad cheated on my mom quite a bit throughout their marriage. I always suspected it may have happened once, but it was a shock to hear how many times it really happened. It's hard to take, but I'm glad I know. That just gives me all the more reason to not be that kind of man. Now not only have I seen first-hand how smoking rips apart families via death, but now I've also seen firsthand how cheating rips apart families. Of course I've already known cheating leads to families breaking up, but it was always an outside perspective. Now that I know it happened to my family, that gives me that much more motivation to want to be the best father and husband I can be when it comes time for me to settle down and raise a family.

My step-brother and my sister are having pretty big problems of their own recently, so there's a lot of shit going down at the family's house right now. My sister never got over our dad's death which has caused her years of anger directed at nothing and no one in particular; just anger with the world entirely. My step-brother seems to be having a problem with looking at too much porn, but at least he's man enough to admit he has a problem, unlike my sister who doesn't even really seem to acknowledge the fact that she can't live life the way she's been living it all these years treating everybody like shit. I'm slowly becoming closer with my parents, I think, and I'm really glad about that. I love them both to death, and their frailty and humanity is beginning to make itself more prevalent as time passes. They're becoming more human and less iconic to me now. I can relate to them better. I'm growing up. They're growing old.

Time.

Life.

The fragility of it all.

I miss the good times I've had with people I'm no longer close with.

Friends, girlfriends.

I'm tired of the hatred, the drama, the displeasure, the grudges.

Life's too short to be pissed off all the time.

Appreciate the living while they're still living.

Because before you know it, both you and everyone around you is going to be gone.

A friend will pass.

Your family will pass.

You'll be on your death bed.

And all of the problems you had with all of your so-called "enemies" throughout your life aren't going to matter anymore.

All that matters at the end of it all is love.

The love you felt for everyone you ever had a connection with.

The love you still have left for the few you still do have a connection with.

And all of the problems that plagued you in life will fade away, because none of it matters when you're about to leave the living world.

There are so many things I wish I could patch up with people, but I know it's impossible because they're all so stuck in the past, so stuck on the negative and can't bring themselves to forgive and forget.

There's a girl I dated for only a week a few months ago named Christina. After we weren't seeing each other anymore, we decided we'd stay friends. So from time to time I'd ask her if she wanted to hang out, and she'd always decline, but what kind of friend do you never see? What kind of friend do you always decline spending time with? That's not a friend. Despite all this, I found out she was jobless and bored all day with nothing to do and she was going crazy, so I was nice enough to bring her a couple games and a controller so she could play something when she was at home with nothing else to do. I found out a month or two later that she never bothered playing them, so I wanted to get them back. She said she'd mail the stuff back to me, and I asked if she'd honestly rather go so far out of her way to mail it than to just meet up for a second so she can give it back. She said she just didn't want to see me. So I waited for the mail. For a few weeks. For a few months. Then I tried calling her a few times, wondering about getting my stuff back. No answers, no calls back. She had a livejournal that she'd post on from time to time, so since I couldn't get hold of her any other way, I made a livejournal account just so I could specifically comment her journal to ask for my stuff back. She proceeded to block me from her journal. I've been trying to find another way to contact her, to no avail, so I just keep calling once every few days and leaving a message asking for my stuff back, and I never hear back. Just the other day she actually deleted her livejournal altogether. I can't do anything at this point but keep calling and trying, but I doubt I'm going to see my stuff ever again, even though the only reason she had them in the first place was because I was thinking of her and doing her a favor out of the kindness of my heart. Look where that's gotten me.

That's just an example of some of the stuff I'm talking about when I say people are fucking crazy, to the point where they'll take advantage of and screw over even the people who are nice to them and do them favors. Everybody is so negative. They can't just appreciate people for their flaws and talents, they can only view the world and the people in it through skewed vision in which the negative is the center of focus and the positive is forgotten.

I don't know what more I can say. It's not worth treating people as if they're below you, because you're no more godly than any of them. We're all equally human with flaws and talents. Anybody, myself included, can focus on others' flaws and be a jerk to them because of their flaws, shutting ourselves off from love and happiness while trying to justify it through scapegoats and excuses and lists of reasons when most of the same negative things could be said about ourselves. But it's no way to live. You can't go through life avoiding people and hating them. Nobody likes being hated. Nobody likes being avoided. Nobody likes being ignored. So what the fuck makes you think you've got the right to treat people as subhuman when you hate being treated that way yourself? When somebody does something you don't like, you have to let it roll off your back, because years from now it's not going to matter anymore. You're not going to remember that one asshole who cut you off on the road years from then. You're not going to still be bitter about a friend who forgot to pick you up when they said they would when you're breathing your last breaths. You're not going to care about that one girl who overreacted to something innocent you said who took it the wrong way fifty years from today. So none of it matters. Life moves on, people make mistakes, and they learn from their mistakes to become better people. By avoiding them and ignoring them and treating them like shit, you're childish, and you're automatically even lower than you think they are.

Life, art, and love. These are the only things that matter in this world.

Death doesn't matter, because it's unavoidable. All that matters is the life we still have left while we're here.

Art can be anything from the art of loving a person to the art of forgiving to the trade you happen to be good at and passionate about. Art is passion and inspiration, and without that, nothing would ever be accomplished in this world.

Hate and drama and dislike doesn't matter, because it all stems from grudges held against the human flaws of others. All that matters is the love you give and receive.

You reap what you sow. If you sow good seeds, you'll find love growing all around  you. If you sow bad seeds, you'll find nothing but emptiness surrounding you.

Next time someone pisses you off, think of them as both an infant, and as an old person. We all come in fragile and flawed, and we all leave fragile and flawed. All that matters is the love you spread in that time between the start and finish.

Forget the negative. Remember the positive.

But I don't need to tell you to do that.

You'll do it on your own as you draw your final breaths.