the following message is a "secret public journal" entry composed by mike birbiglia, a georgetown university alum who has made it big as a stand-up comedian. i never knew mike personally, and i'm assuming that if i were to get to know him, he would turn out to be a lying, self-absorbed, arogant prick. however, i have found that reading his Journal can be a rather enlightening and even uplifting experience. therefore, his existence serves a purpose. therefore, even though he may deserve to die, as long as i never have to come in physical contact with him, i do not actually want him to die. consider this an addendum to my previous blog.

"I fear we are at a dangerous juncture in civilization where there is a huge amount of technology and a huge shortage of people who know how to use that technology responsibly. The other day I went to a movie and during the movie the guy next to me answered his cell phone, and he answered the phone by saying, and I quote, "Who dis'?" So not only was this person willing to talk to someone during the movie, he was willing to talk to anyone during the movie.

But perhaps an even more irritating phenomenon is the amount of people with camera phones. Don't get me wrong. I love cameras and I love phones, the same way I love pizza and ice cream, but for many reasons I don't eat pizza ice cream, and when I do, it's in the privacy of my own home in a bathtub crying.
 
But it's true. I love taking photos. And a lot of times at my shows I'll take photos. Really just so I can remember what happens in my life. Because I'm often in so many cities that I forget where I've been. People will be like, "What'd you do last week?" and I'm like "Oh….no." Now when I'm traveling I take photos so I can pull out my camera and say, "Oh, I went to Salt Lake City and then…I signed up to join a bar because Utah has these weird Mormon rules about signing up for bars, and then I threw up on a Mormon, and then I got arrested. There's the picture, right there!

A lot of times people will come up to me after shows and take photos with me, which is great except when they're drunk and they've never used the camera on their phone before and they think this would be the perfect time to figure it out. So last week this drunk guy was like, "Will you take a photo with my mom?" and I was like, "Yea, sure." And so I put my arm around his mom but then this guy realizes he has no idea how to use his camera-phone. So now I'm in half-hug position with this guy's mom while his drunk brain tries to figure out his 275-function phone.  It was like he said, "Why don't you get into a really intimate position with my mom while I figure out this Rubik's cube."

"Oh. Thanks man. Maybe later you can smoosh armpits with the milkman while I count to a million by tens."

You know, Journal, I think the morale of the story is that if we all just spent 5 minutes looking at the manual for the products we buy, we won't end up hugging each other's moms—and can spend that time hugging our own mom. And then maybe, just maybe, our mom will actually take us out for pizza, and not just use it as a detail in a fake excuse."

mike birbiglia, you make me laugh. if we were the last two humans left on the planet, i might consider marrying you...although it would probably be impossible to marry ourselves without a third party. oh well, i guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there.