Philosophy is, according to Wikipedia (which is the internet information age's bible) "the discipline concerned with questions of how one should live (ethics); what sorts of things exist and what are their essential natures (metaphysics); what counts as genuine knowledge (epistemology); and what are the correct principles of reasoning (logic)."  On the surface, nothing sounds bad about that.  In fact, to someone like me, the study of philosophy sounds like a worthwhile pursuit... perhaps even a lifelong one.  One of my roommates, Andy, is a philosophy major and as much a modern philosopher if ever there was one.  I mean, there's something inspiring about it; a mental quest for the great mysteries of the world.  It's like Indiana Jones of the Mind; a lifetime of pursuits and dedications, revealing the greatest of treasures along the way and unlocking secrets few ever get to behold.  It sounds fabulous, for someone like me.

And it's oh-so-wrong.

For years, I've been a bit of an intellectualist.  By that, I don't mean that I've dedicated myself to academic studies... look at my GPA and you'll see that's pretty far from the case.  The sad truth is, I stopped caring about most academic things when I was in junior high.  But I've still always been a fan of knowledge and understanding.  The old adage "knowledge is power" rings true in my mind, even in hindsight.  As I grew older and "wiser" (if only), I looked for deeper answers... the answers "beyond."  What was it REALLY about?  There had to be more to life that what I was living.

At first, my pursuits paid off; the more I thought on things, especially in terms of my spiritual walk, the more I understood that there was more to it than the sunday school lines that had been thrown at me for fifteen years.  I began to realize why I made the decisions I made, how I came to be the person I was, and how I could become the person I wanted to become.  Things seemed to fall in line.  My life had been a road, and now, for the first time, I was able to explore the signs, the off-ramps, and the houses that lined the road.  It was like a veil was drawn, and a whole plethora of veils waited, each one housing a different notion or idea, each idea adding a small fraction to what I already knew, allowing me to delve deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole (thanks, Morpheus and Lewis Carroll).

Now, I am a 23-year-old man, trying desperately to see where his intellectual pursuits of spiritual understanding have led him.  The answer, unfortunately, is nowhere.  The rabbit hole that looked so ominous, so mysterious and full of new wonders, is in fact a maze with no finish point.  Like the old mazes I used to use a crayon in while waiting for enchiladas at el Chico's, there is only one way in or out.  The only way out is the way I came in.  All I have done, it seems, is turn myself inside out looking for a greater truth, a better understanding of what I already understood long ago.  I'm older, somewhat embittered from my journeys, and unfortunately lacking in hair.

So now it comes to it.  What is philosophy... REALLY?  What is philosophy?  To me, philosophy is a quicksand trap, one which looks ever-so-inviting, a new direction to take from a tried and true road, one which leaves you all but trapped in its liquid murkiness.  My search for deeper understanding beyond the meat of the gospel has gained me little; in fact, I would postulate that the only thing it has gained me is a better understanding of the fact that I can gain nothing from it (if that makes sense).  My search for greater understanding had left me feeling like a kid who discovered the secret to a magic trick... and abruptly realized that the magic was gone.

Fortunately for me, that is not the case.  The "magic," which I suppose must symbolize the faith of children which Jesus referred to, is not gone.  Rather, the problem lies totally within my own heart.  I have jaded myself against the magic.  I have continued to plow and plow through the depths of God's word, ever searching for a better intellectual understanding of the ideas and refusing to move forward and appreciate the MEANING.  There are so many topics in today's world that I have searched for answers to, only to now realize that I was missing the real truth all along.  It's capital punishment that helps me illustrate this final understanding that the philosophy and "greater truth" is meaningless.  While trying to decide if Christ would support or disfavor the death penalty, I remembered that he told the criminal crucified next to him: "today, you shall be with me in paradise."  He didn't free the criminal, or transport him away, or relieve him of the punishment he had been sentenced to... he forgave him.  At first, I decided that Jesus must therefore have no issue with the traditional punishments that governments dole out... but then I realized that I had somehow thought through and read over the description of Christ's ultimate sacrifice without even stopping to consider it.  It had just become more information.

This, inevitably, is where "greater truth" and philosophy have led me: to a desensitized relationship with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  Even now, writing the words, the concept does not sting me as much as it should.  But it does sting, and that is a start in the right direction.  What does it matter if I understand the truth as to whether or not profanity is right or wrong?  How much does it matter that I'm not burdened by "social stigmas" that I have wrestled with my whole life?  So what if I have a deeper understanding of exactly when and by whom some of the Bible books were written?  It DOESN'T matter!  None of it matters, not if I'm focused on that while outside of my home there are children who hurt, families who suffer, prisoners who starve for the gospel, and whole cities that have never heard the gospel of Christ.  While I sit at home trying to figure out just how much of a sin it is to do whatever it is I just did, the world comes closer and closer to a final confrontation with God, where his words will ring long and true and time will run out for us all, one way or another.  The very concept of time will fade away for everyone who has ever lived, and most of the souls ever conceived will be sent by God to the lake of fire.  And rather than warning people, rather than living my life daily trying to emulate Christ and spread his gospel to the four corners of the Earth, I sit at home on my ass trying to figure out every tiny detail of what it means to "emulate" Christ.

Now here's the part where I stop talking and start acting.  For too long I've played the part of the troubled-but-brilliant mind, the Will Hunting of spirituality who is too smart for his own good, looking at the problem from every angle but never actually getting around to solving it.  Too long I've acted a part, tried to follow the patterns of great thinkers and champions of mental capacity, all that time aware in the back of my mind that I must come to Christ as a child, if I am to come to him at all.  As of this moment, that is who I am.  That's me.

That can't be me anymore.

I didn't write this to get attention, or to tell others the great discovery I've made, but it's okay if you think that's what I'm doing.  You have the right to.  More often than not in my life, I've been too concerned with what others thought.  I'm doing this so that you, whoever among you who are truly my friends... no; those of you who are truly my BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN CHRIST... can hold me accountable.  I don't want you to see me just talking the talk; and if I am talking, you sure better ask me if I'm walking the walk, too.  I, for my part, am going to try and recapture that faith that I had as a child, that all-encompassing, all-or-nothing, no-doubts faith.  And part of that is going to be me taking off the hard shells that I've wrapped around myself, shells of intellectual reason and mental discipline that in the end have done nothing but add to my callous nature and weigh me down.  I'm ready to be hurt, to love and be loved, to give joy and receive it, to fall and be cut (and to try and walk straighter the next time).  I'm not the man God wants me to be.

But I'm ready to BECOME the man God wants me to be.