I went to 5, FIVE different gas stations tonight just for some hot tamales. I couldnt believe no on had them in stock, theyre just so heavenly in my mouth. Hot hell followed by sweetness so good i cannot put into words.

and yes, sugar is going to be the death of me!

This week was...ok. Wednesday i went in for another treatment. They usually last about half a day so i always bring my ipod. Theres so many different drugs and fluids being pumped into me through the IV, i usually have to pee about every 1/2 hour. As sucky as all this is, i had a moment, a fun one. I had (drumroll please) a DANCE Party in the Bathroom. OOO i just wish you could've seen it. I looked so pathetic hooked up to this iv and pale as can be but boy o boy i just danced the day away in that bathroom and just had the time of my life! : }

I recently finished my first little attempt at going back out on the road, since being unable to all winter. It was....so many things. I actually felt really well the first half. and then things kinda went south but, i remember those two weeks and hold tight to them.

and Hey, i wrote another new song. well actually ive written a few. two most recent ones, one is about hope, its my attemp to a faster more uplifting cheerful kind of song : }   and the other is about a boy.  its about a boy who is too scared to change things. too comfortable being uncomfortable. He uses excuses to soften or distract from the reality of his situation. and i think he even believes those excuses himself. he is brilliant and charming as hell. but, runs like water through my hands.

Anywho, Im single. Ive lived most of my life single. First, i dont know how i wouldve kept a relationship going strong or even healthy with as much as ive been dealing with and fighting because of my health. So, it was more of a relief to not have to deal with that stuff PLUS, i was allllllways surrounded by boys. Being a PK, everyone kind of knows who you are and all the sudden you have too many friends. it feels like. but mainly because of music, im always with guys. I was never a drooler. never had pictures of brad pitt or anyone in my room. i lived in lala land. dreaming.... my relationship with guys is also different because i had an AMAZING father. but again, id say its mainly from music. im always with or trvaeling or meeting with or recording ect....with guys. they just all become my brothers. Its been hard recently to have to let go of my best friends. I had some UNbelievable best friends. A few of the closest ones are on my top friends. We were all our own. I have such unique relationships and unforgettable memories with each of them. But...eventually at some point, i couldnt be the main girl in their life. And as soon as other girls who become girlfriends enter in, well, things change. Some of the girls i know and some very well, and then others dont want them to have anything to do with me. Even though we were just best friends. its i guess just life...but its hard for me. i feel like ive always ready lost everybody. Once my father died, a part of my mother went too. And then worst yet, my brother. still alive but deader than ever. i dont even physically recognize him now. he has the biggest of biggest walls up and theres nothing more i can do for him except pray for him.

So....its just me.       but i mus'nt stay in this moment. its too sad. and helloooo, i just wrote an attempting uplifting songgggg so, lets try to live in That moment : }

anyways. i feel the need to talk of this boy again. he is always on my mind. even when i dont want him on my mind. and since FORever ive declared im Not getting married til im in my 30's. but still, he' still there. on my mind. and i dont know why. i want to just cuss him out and tell him he's a scumbag. but, he's not.

moving on. Ya know what folks, Christian Musicians get a stigma and i dont like it. While on the road, ive come across many many many a many people who i will ask what kind of music do they listen to and before i can even finish my question the blurt out CHRISTIAN music, Onlyyyy Christian music. And they say it as if all other music is sinful or not of God. and they usually dont stick around to say much to me after my set, not that i throw the F bomb around, but i dont break out into "Shout to the Lord" either so.... But its so interesting. In the Christian "Business" side of things, it always seems wrong if you ever refer to music a syour career, or wanting to have one. They always use ministry. Always. always. and believe me, that, it is. a ministry. i could tell you so so so many stories of why what we do and what i do ministers. but, it IS also a business. its my JOB. and its ok to talk in business terms. Whats unfair is that if i were i dentist or a baker, i wouldnt be expected to open a Christian Bakery. But with music....i feel many look down on me because i dont lead praise n worship. and it sucks. i luv to sing praises to my father, but i have a friend, incredibly talented and she could very well be doing i what i do and her dad asked her one time, why she didnt want to be a solo artist and she said,"i just dont have the heart for that, I have the passion to lead praise n worship"...and that what i feel, except the opposite. I dont feel God wanted me in that position. and let me tell you, He Loves what i do and allllll the things i sing about. and That matters more to me than anythign ever will.    I jsut cant be fake ya know. Id rather be real, show some flaws, put my foot in my mouth and learn some lessons than.....pretend. i wont. just cant do it. Notta! Even if i stand alone, i will Always follow my heart. and sing about whatever the heck i want to!

So...im trying to salvage my career these days. i spent every last bit of energy and life i had left in me while out on the road these past couple years. i felt as if i was always running against a hurricane. and then this winter, i just couldnt stand anymore. it was too much. so i lost even more progress. so now im taking it back. but...days like the past few make it so hard.

But still,  i remember those two weeks on the road, and the dance party i had in the bathroom and it calms me for the moment, and it calms me right now, enough so i can close my eyes for the night and wake up hoping its gonna be better. always hoping. wont stop. cant stop. not gonna ever........forever

goodnight to you. to all ive written. to all ive mentioned. to that boy. to this day and to you, my faithful reader and Incredible friend.

luv,                                                                                                                      me