Friends and admirers have been asking me who I am supporting in the upcoming presidential elections. Normally I try to stay above the fray, but with so many politicians and celebrities choosing sides, I feel it would be cowardly for me to stay out of the mix. Therefore, I have decided to endorse one of the remaining presidential candidates.

When choosing which candidate to support, I asked myself the following question: which candidate would most benefit from my endorsement? The answer I came up with: all of them.

With the race so close, it seems to me that any celebrity endorsement, even mine, could tip the scales one or the other. Therefore, I am offering my celebrity endorsement to whichever candidate most wants it. Mike Huckabee, make me an offer. Ron Paul, I'm here for you. Maybe it's you, Hey Barack, let's make a deal.

But it's not a one way street, candidates. My commitment to you depends on your commitment to me:

• $50.00 will get you my endorsement and a flattering blog posting to appear on my website on the date of your choosing.

•$100.00 Candidate will get all of the above, plus a DVD copy of "Stella."

•$250.00 Candidate will get all of the above, plus a computer-designed "Official Celebrity Endorsement Certificate" to be personally signed by me or my assistant Karen.

•$500.00 Candidate will get all of the above, plus a personalized videotaped greeting from me featuring some of my patented "snarky" comments to be used at campaign events and rallies. (Young people will love this!!!)

•$1,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus I will host a "Build A Bear Workshop" party for campaign workers at the mall of your choice (all expenses to be paid by you).

•$2,500 Candidate will get all of the above, plus I will spend a week on the campaign trail with you Chuck Norris style (all expenses to be paid by you).

•$5,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus I will use my (admittedly poor) computer skills to attempt to rig the voting machines in my home state of Connecticut.

•$10,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus one of my famous "one hour 'stress-buster' back massages."

•$25,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus I will give you David Schwimmer's personal email address. (Hint: it is not Ross@aol.com)

•$50,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus exclusive naming rights to any sports stadium I may construct in the future.

•$75,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus an additional DVD copy of "Stella," and unlimited use of my 2000 Volkswagen New Beetle for one month to use for all campaign appearances within a 50 mile radius of my house.

•$100,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus I will stab the opponent of your choice (non-fatal).

•$103,000 Candidate will get all of the above, plus I will stab the opponent of your choice (fatal).

To the candidates: I cannot guarantee that my endorsement will mean did diddly-squat, but when you consider the relatively low cost of buying my support, wouldn't you rather have me on your side? Think about it and give me a call. I'm listed.


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