My friends and I have been looking for this gem of wisdom from buddyhead.com. It's a couple years old so some of it may be outdated, but the basic concepts are timeless and should be basic education for anyone going to a rock concert. Just as a warning, it is kind of condescending and crude in places....


1) This is possibly the oldest rule in the book… yeah, you know what
we're talking about… don't be THAT guy. We KNOW you like the band,
that's why you're here, you don't need to wear their SHIRT to their
show as well.


2) Also, no wearing shirts of ex-bands either. That means no Nirvana
shirts at the Foo Fighters show, no Jawbreaker shirts at the Jets to
Brazil show, no Minor Threat shirts at the Fugazi show etc.


3) The "merch guy" is not your friend. In fact, all the merch guy wants
to do is get through the night without having to talk to your lame a**.
That means that he doesn't want a copy of your weak a** emo band's demo
to pass along to the band. The only reason he might talk to you is
because you either A) Know where to get drugs. B) Your girlfriend is
hot, and by talking to you he can K.G.B. his way into her pants. C) You
are willing to pay him for the time in his life that he's wasted
talking about how much he likes the band's first out of print seven
inch D) Know where he can get either drunk or high for free or E) He's
making fun of you. Most likely it's E. In fact, it's mostly E, I mean
look at yourself, you're striking up conversation with a merch jockey.


4) Dancing is ok, as long as you don't get all fruity. Air-instruments
are NOT ok. That includes: air-guitar, air-drums, air-microphone,
air-keyboards, and yes even the air-bass. Don't get me started on
air-saxophone.


5) If you yell out "Play some Skynyrd", you deserve immediate
castration. This isn't funny unless your name is either Beavis or
Butthead. Shut the f*** up, we all know you've never heard Skynard. You
think Earth Crisis invented music back in 1990. Don't give somebody
another reason to stab you.


6) Don't be the buff steakhead dudes in the Jeep blasting Radiohead as
you leave (or enter) the parking lot of the Radiohead show. WE KNOW YOU
LIKE THE BAND! THAT'S WHY YOU ARE AT THE F***ING SHOW CHAMP! HOW MUCH
OF ONE BAND DO YOU REALLY NEED?! Actually just don't be the four buff
guys in the Jeep at the show… period. This rule applies to everybody.
You don't need to listen to the band you're going to see on the way to
seeing them.


7) Tall dudes that stand at the front of the stage should have their
testicles pureed. You're tall dumb ass, get in the back, or at least
back a few rows.


8) Don't yell songs at the band, especially if it's not a super rare
song or something. Yelling "ENTER SANDMAN" at the Metallica show is
second only in retardation to drooling on yourself and walking really
funny with a walker. NO S*** THEY'RE GONNA PLAY ENTER SANDMAN DUDE.
Keep it in your pants, they'll get to it in the 3rd encore. Heckling is
ok.


9) Anybody who utters the word MOSH PIT deserves to die.


10) Don't take off your shirt. We know you're sweaty dude, taking off your wife beater isn't going to stop that.


11) Don't be that fat lame b**** that gets crushed at the front of the
stage at the barrier. Every time there's a real big show, some
grotesquely fat chick thinks it would be swell to get as close to the
singer of Blink182 as possible, and that nobody else there has the same
idea. 3 songs into the set, the bouncers have to pull her obese
fainting a** over the barricade. Don't be this pathetic piece of pasty
lard.


12) Don't buy those shirts in the parking lot from the dude who looks
homeless… unless your idea of a good fitting shirt is about 1 foot long
and 3 feet wide. Oh wait, that probably fits your fat a** perfectly.


13) No making out at shows. Get a room. Unless of course it's a Shat show, then it's ok.


14) People who stand outside the whole time, and never go inside to
watch any of the bands should be shot in the face. Yeah b****, we know
you don't really like the music and just use your pseudo post emo look
as a social façade to hopefully get laid and sh**, but your presence at
shows besides annoying everybody and making it harder to move around is
useless. Go home and play on the internet and revise your myspace
profile.


15) Don't be that guy who sells your zine at shows. We don't want to
hear about your boring life, let alone have to pay money to hear about
it.


16) Newsflash for kids starting a new band… it doesn't matter how many
flyers you make for that first show you're playing at that coffeehouse…
if you pass this flyer out to every last f***er in front of the show,
NOBODY WILL CARE AND NOBODY WILL COME. We don't care about S***
Skittle's debut performance brah. It's almost as if the people passing
out these flyers assume that people are walking out of the show
thinking, "Gee, I really don't have anything to do at all next weekend.
I wish there was some sh***y show going on somewhere really out of the
way with bands I've never ever heard of and don't know what they sound
like that I could go to." It's not happening bro and never will. Keep
practicing.


17) No crying.


18) When there's a brand new band that a lot of people seem real
excited about that features ex members of other cool bands or
something, and they don't have any releases out yet, just a demo, or a
couple mp3's on their website or something, don't be the jacka** at the
front of the stage singing all the words. Yeah, yeah, we know you're
the geeky super fan who likes these guys way more than everybody else.
Just stop it cos you're making everybody want to vomit with your over
apparent super fan enthusiasm.


19) "Moshers" who lose shoes, keys, wallets, etc. and then stop their
kung fu fighting to try and look for those objects, then get clobbered
and fall to the ground…… no wait, keep doing that, it's funny.


20) Sometimes when your favorite band is playing their big hit as their
last song, you think it's a good idea and really cool to jump up on the
stage and dance with the band. You and about 50 other die-hard geeks.
Well… we know you're real enthusiastic about the whole thing, but get
your porky and dorky a** off the stage. The band doesn't want you up
there that close to their equipment. Get off the stage fruitcake.


21) If you go up and begin conversation with the band while they're
loading equipment out at the end of the night and you don't at least
offer to help, you deserve to be cut into little pieces. The
band wants to get the shit in the van and get the fuck out of your dumb
a** corn & wheat truckstop town, and you're not helping matters.