Where do I even start?  How about why I'm spending my valuable time reading a book from the youth fiction section of my local library - Twilight.  It all started when I watched the Twilight movie.  It was so unbelievably bad that I could not understand what people liked about it.  I have friends (you know who you are :P) who swear this is one of the best movies ever made, and I was told more than once when I questioned why it was good, "Well, you haven't read the book." 

So, I read the book (all 500 pages and the New Moon preview at the end).  Besides, it's not like I had a whole world of possibilities open to me while on the elliptical machine at the gym - you're pretty much stuck there and anything you can do to lessen the suffering is a good thing.  I do feel like I am at least better versed in the underlying stories of the book and more capable of picking on the movies as a result.

First off, I'll say it (even though I might lose friends) - I hate Bella Swan, and to a lesser extent Edward.  I think the whole book would have been better if they weren't in it.  Shocking, isn't it?  She comes off as this robust and independent "every girl" type character - smart, clumsy, and generally feeling like an outcast (I challenge anyone here not to feel like they match this description).  So, overall, she's very relateable - except, wait - she smells tastier than any person on the planet and has a cast iron skull which is impenetrable to Hottie McVampire's psychic abilities.  There, now she's very special and we should all aspire to be like her someday. 

Throughout the book, she's really a tragic character, always whining.  She is whining about how much her life sucks in Forks, whining about how hard it is to be smarter than everyone around her, whining because her boyfriend is a vampire and might eat her but he's way too hot to fathom life without, whining because she chose to hang out with vampires and one decided that he wanted to eat her, and then whining because her boyfriend refuses to turn her into a vampire (which I personally think is a good thing because a 6-month relationship based on the fact that he's really hot and she smells tasty is not one where anyone should be thinking about eternal commitment). 

So, she and Edward spend the whole book being pissed off at each other over one stupid thing or another.  They're like one of those annoying couples that has to have a fight when they're out with friends or hanging out at the dog park, just to make the people around them feel awkward.  And somehow, like those clinically insane couples, they seamlessly transition from being angry at each other to "I love you more than life itself, and I wouldn't want to live if you died."

If we were to imagine a Twilight without Bella and Edward - a tale of a vampire family living in modern society, where they have to face the challenges of daylight, interactions with humans, the hunger for human blood and their struggle not to attack - a tale of multiple vampire clans, family trees, and vampire-lycan interactions, I would imagine this to be a good book.  Basically, Twilight without the schmoop and dysfunction. 

Maybe it's because I'm from New Orleans, and if I wanted to date a vampire, it would be an achievable goal.  Maybe that's why I'm not sold on the whole dysfunctional vampire love thing.  Also, because I live in Tallahassee, I totally understand the currency that is "[Insert flaw here] but he's so hot," but you don't fall into eternal love with Mr. "[Insert flaw here] but he's so hot" - you play with him until he ceases to be fun and then cast him out into the world and wait for someone you actually find attractive AND have things in common with to come along.     

Now, the dilemma... Should I continue feed this fire by reading New Moon?  I remember when I was in high school, we had a salad bar in our cafeteria and one of the items available was pasta salad.  To our high school palates, this was a weird offering.  One day my friend Brandon and I dared each other to try it (we were always the adventurous types :) ).  Brandon's quote, which I will never forget, was "It's making me nauseous but leaving me wanting more."  In a way, this is how I feel about Twilight - it makes me nauseous but leaves me wanting more. 

The next book in the gym queue is "The Secret Lives of the Monster Dogs" by Kristen Bakis.  (Thanks, Keith!)   A book review will follow.