So I've been wracking my brain for the better part of last 6 months trying to figure out what to write here. The last year has been more of a whirlwind than anytime previously in my life, and I feel that I at least needed to sit down, and if for no other reason, write about it for my own sake. I'm sure at least one or two people I'm close to will read this, and honestly I'm just thankful for anybody who takes the time to actually sit down and read anything I write, especially these ridiculous blogs where I try and find myself, and the meaning behind all of my actions.
I'll start off by saying that since March I have been playing in a new band. I'm sure everybody knows this by now, because I've spammed every single one of you at least twice. So if you don't know about it, then you are living in a cave, haha.... We've been on the road pretty much non-stop, and I'm leaving again Friday for another 4 months winding my way through the mid-west and east coast. I have to say that it has been the best 6 months of my life. I feel more alive now than I have at any point previously in my life, and I feel that I've found some people that share the same values (actually it's more of a lack of anything resembling values, but still.) as I do. That is pretty much saying that none of them have any intention of having a family, real job, house, etc. We all seem pretty content with touring full time and making sure that we sleep on at least 3 floors in every state.
That being said, I just want to say that these guys have challenged every ounce of who I am, and have really been there for me when I needed it. Seems strange considering I met them at a bar one night in February and as we drank, we joked about me coming on the road with them. Turns out, that is exactly what happened. Now I feel I have found a place that I actually belong, and though we may not always see eye-to-eye, these guys are some of my best friends in the world, and I look forward to many more years with them (cross my fingers I didn't just jinx us by saying that).
With that little update, I want to get to what has really been eating at me lately, and if you have read this far, I really appreciate it. The last four years and some-odd months in California, were honestly some of the craziest years of my life. I'm not going to dive into details, because I feel I need to retain at least a shred of privacy. But for those of you who are close to me, and for those who were there, you know what I'm talking about. I will say that I experienced things that I never thought I would experience, and saw at least a few things I didn't even truly believe existed. When I moved to California, I knew exactly what I was looking for. When I got there, I found more than I ever imagined. And when I moved back to Spokane in December, I had no idea what I wanted anymore. California was the best thing, and worst thing that ever happened to me.
The reason I am even writing this, is because I need closure. I also want to apologize to a lot of people, but I don't even know who I would start with. Well, I do know who I would start with, but I think I have apologized enough to that person already, that saying it again really isn't going to do much good. I was a fuck-up, a drunk,a lying sack of shit, and the fact that some of you considered me your friend is an honor. I did things to people I never thought I could ever do. And I got into things that I'm not proud of. At the same time, all of those things have shaped me into the person I am today, and I don't believe I would be as strong as I am right now if I had not experienced those things, and I know that my drive and goals would be pointed in a completely different direction right now.
When I moved down to California, I moved there to become a "Rock star". Everybody knows it, and I never tried to hide it. At 20 years old, I wasn't about to let anything, or anybody stand in my way. Not family, friends, jobs, or anything else. That was the main reason I left Washington, was because I couldn't find anybody that shared a passion for music like I did. Chris was the only person that came close, and no offense to ya buddy (because you are one of my best friends) but even his passion dwindled when he moved into "The Apartment" with me.
A bunch of funny things happened when I got down there though. I was immediately picked up by a "signed" band, which at the time I thought was my dream. Then that fell apart, and I moved back in with the people I had moved down with. Then my roommate died of cancer unexpectedly and that through me into the thick of it, before I was even ready. At that point in my life, I had never had a serious girlfriend (nor have I had one since), but I'm telling you what, this chick blind sided me.
Now you would assume that a guy who is on a hell-bent mission from God would stand at least 200 feet away from any single girl with kids. Well, that isn't the case at all. I was introduced by my co-worker (who turned out to be one of my best friends), and after what seemed like no time at all, we were fucking dead serious. I have never loved anybody before, or since as much as that girl. And I have a funny feeling that I probably won't find another one like her. Even though she is just as crazy (probably crazier) than I am. She was my partner in crime, and everything else. I never wanted kids, and then I had two of the most amazing boys the world has ever seen. And I never wanted a wife, but I would have married her on the spot.
Only reason I'm telling you this is because I want to give a little back story so you know what I'm talking about now. Because the whole thing ended. I got drunk one night and fucked some random chick, and to be blunt, I don't even remember. Somebody had to tell me the next morning, because I was so drunk. That was by far the worst thing I think I have done to date, and it taught me a very valuable lesson. I never knew what love was till the day we broke up, and than I just lost it. I was a wreck (still kinda am if you haven't noticed), and then one of my best friends committed suicide, and this is all happening in the midst of a new band.
I held on to a lot of my emotions for those years because I felt that I needed to be strong, and I felt that if I let any of that get to me, than I wasn't going to get to where I wanted to go. Finally, it all became too much for me. I decided that I didn't want to play music anymore, and that I was moving home to go back to school. I figured I could mend a relationship with my parents that has been awful since they had me locked up when I was 16, and I could heal the scars that were so apparent on my heart.
I just want to say after moving back, nothing has really changed. I still barely get along with my parents, and I didn't even start dealing with my pent up emotions until I joined Paper Mache. I proabably wouldn't even be in Spokane right now, save the band. Luckily I spend most of my time on the road.
Almost a year later, here I am. I've actually set timers in my phone set on an annual basis that I use to check my progress in life. To try and measure any sort of success (it seems) cannot be measured on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis for me. The results I expect out of myself are far too high to manifest in any short amount of time. I've found that no matter what I do, or where I am, I am drawn to music, and I have resigned myself to fate. I've realized that this is what I was born to do, and I've come to find that a life where I am free from financial strain, and worldly possessions is far healthier for me than 60k a year, and a desk. This is not to say I am a healthy individual. I still indulge in all the things I have been indulging in for years. And I have no intention of really changing any major part about me anytime soon. But once I stopped fighting what comes to me naturally, I have found that my mind is a lot quieter.
I think the whole point to this blog, like I said at the beginning, is closure. The last 5 years, I have learned so much, and done things I only dreamed of before. I fell in love, and fell out of love. I cheated, I stole (not from you, I guarantee it), I lied, and I basically did everything wrong that a guy can do, and still be breathing. At a few points over those years, I truly didn't want to be here anymore. I felt that I was a failure, and that I was utterly lost. I've had my own mother disown me from the family, and I've had other people accept me into their families without a second look at me.
I feel that it is time that I close this chapter in my life. As hard as it is to let go. I was watching "Click" the other night, and if you haven't seen it, I don't recommend it if you don't want to cry. But it touched on a few key points that were very similar to my own life. I was pretty much crying like a baby through the last half of the movie, because I realized that no matter what I do, I can't take back what I've done, and I have to accept the things and people I've lost. I should have done a lot of things, but I can't now, and it hurts my heart everyday.
I'm going to close this by saying that I love all of you very much. Those of you who have been there through the thick and thin, and still consider me your friend, brother, or whatever else I am to you. I am humbled beyond words to have you in my life. I'm sorry for everything I've done that hurt you, and I'm sorry that I'm not around as much as I should be to share in the joys of your life. You have always been there for me, when I wanted to brag about my accomplishments, cry on your shoulder, or just scream in anger. I wish I could return the favor more often. I also wish that a few of you were still in my life everyday. I miss you more and more everyday, and as a line from my good buddies in the band Mury states "I still love you, and think about you everyday". I hope if you are reading this, that life is treating you amazing, and I hope that everything that you dream comes true. If for some reason, our tour schedule is close to you, give me a call, and come hang out with me. Despite the fact that I am constantly surrounded by people, I am a very lonely person, and I really need some companionship whenever I can get it. Take care.

-eddie