August 26, 2009

The road seemed to vanish. A streak of bright light snaked before me as my eyes tried to focus on the center divider of the secluded black-top. The stolen Mustang violently shaking around me wasn't enough to snap me from the trance I was in. My mind was racing. "Follow the light, keep it between the front tires. What are you doing, just crank the wheel and end it all." The thought flashed in my head... the song, "Goodbye to Romance" blared. Ozzy Osbourn usually didn't depress me but this song...

My thoughts tapered off moments before I gripped the steering wheel and turned it hard to the right, then to the left.

The world around me instantly swerved and then the streaks of light spun around and around me. The smell of melting tires filled my nostrils, then dust. Everything went out of focus and my eyes and throat burned as the screeching and scraping of metal hurt my ears. Then everything was still and silent followed by a bone jarring crash that brutally threw me around the inside of the car.

I felt warm liquid streaming down my face and my head throbbed. A metallic taste filled my mouth and world abruptly stopped spinning. I threw up all over myself.

I was sixteen years old then. It wasn't my first wreck, stolen car, suicide attempt or drug induced emotional breakdown. I was hell bent on ending my pain. Consequences be damned. By this point in my life, I saw no future for myself. I'd quit looking forward. Meth was a reliable friend. A little coke, a little weed and heroin took the edge off. Dulled the feelings that hurt. Some does I handled it well. Most days I was a mess.

More than 18 years has passed. I often look back and think of those times. I've questioned how I managed to survive. The answer is always the same... I was meant to live. I now know that I have purpose.

My life still has twists and and turns and pain, but I have plans written in the stars for the future. No, I'm not a religious fanatic, but a much higher power than myself can be the only answer. I was a wild child without any sense of what I wanted, needed or could obtain without stealing it.

Now... I am a human being... who cares.