Last week was spring break at Paul's elementary school but not at Eric's private preschool. Of course we considered taking Eric out and going on a trip but the plans never went past random speculation. Meaning, I did not make them so they fell by the wayside. One reason is I am too cheap. I would no more miss a week of school which I have already paid for than buy paper towels at the corner market. And family trips that do not involve going to visit with my family for free cost too much money.

So there Paul and I were, every day, just the two of us. Bill had a ton of work to do and Eric went on with his regular schedule. After dropping Eric off Paul and I shared a smile in the rear view mirror.

"What should we do now?"

Off we went: the happy couple. We went to the library. We went food shopping. We read and drew and wrote stories. The week flowed along with ease and Paul and I drifted right along together. Even the most boring errands felt like dates. I accomplished so much and was confident and happy not drained and irritated like I usually was at the end of each day. I swear it was like having a love affair.

Then on Friday Eric's school had a staff development day. Back to my regular life with too small a lap and too short a temper. My boys are so competitive for my attention and so jealous of each other. Each one convinced that every gesture I make toward the other is yet more evidence of my favoritism. There is no true level of fair when you have two children. All things are most definitely not equal, especially the number of chocolate chips in cookies.

Paul turned into the jilted lover when Eric rejoined us that Friday. The energy shift was immediate and we reverted to rushing and arguing. Far from my relaxed state I felt stiff. As soon as I could I snuck off by myself. Was it really that much harder with the two of them? The truth is that my week with Paul wore me out. As much as I enjoyed our time together it was A LOT of time together. Unlike Eric, who plays so hard to get I need to trick him into kissing me, Paul is more like the boyfriend who likes you more than you like him. After a while it can be a little annoying.

I want to enjoy both my boys but I find the two of them together intolerable. The incessant need to balance logistics, mood swings and snacks with constant transitions in and out of car seats is excruciatingly painful. Fun? Ha! Forget the library. I do not take them with me to the supermarket. When I have both boys with me even an allegedly fun excursion can turn quickly into a disaster. For example, we have been asked to leave the local pet store.

So things have shifted, again. School is back in session and I am determined to keep a balance. I vow to spend more one on one time with both kids, with the theory that when each one knows he will get some mommy time, it will be easier to share me during family time. I am hoping a little can go a long way and I can manage to carve out time to myself more regularly. Phew! Affairs are exhausting.