It's a little bit sad how strongly I relate to that song. Anyway.
I'm very tired so forgive me if this borders on sounding like crazy person ramblings. I'm geared up right now, putting everything I have into trying to change my situation but it seems to be to no avail. No matter how much I want it and how hard I try to make it work it just doesn't look like school is in the cards for me. Not right now anyway. Which makes me sadder than I can put into words so I'm not going to try. Moving right along.
 Work is going good. Better than good actually I appear to be good at this. Which also makes me sad. LoL I never really thought my calling would come in the form of inbound customer service calls for people interested in refinancing or purchasing homes. In fact I'm fairly certain that in every career day event thats ever been experienced in my life that never even made the back up list. Sad. 
 I'm fairly certain Texas really is going to happen for me next Summer which is both exciting and terrifying all at the same time. Exciting because I never knew I could miss a place so much, I'm a military brat born and raised, I'm a professional at leaving things behind and not looking back, but we settled in Texas and it has been forever etched in my brain since the day of my father's retirement that that was now Home. Thats right. Home with the capitol H. I have a home here in Springfield, I have 2 in fact, I have the apartment where my boyfriend and daughter live with me, and I have my Father's house right up the road, and while I like them both enough and am content to dwell in them for a time, niether of them feels like Home, they just feel like places I live and pass the time untill I can go back Home. That was supposed to be where we stayed, that was supposed to be the place where the all the moving ended, even though I never minded the moving. Which could be another insight as to why I'm so ready to leave Springfield. 5 years. 5 years is a long time to be somewhere for me. I was in Texas for longer than 5 years but you know... Home and all that, the whole plan was to be there for more than 5 years we were supposed to stay there, then the economy had to take a dive and my father and I came up here for a new start and it all happened the same way that everything else did for me in the past when it was time to move, I just did it, packed my things, told the people who needed to know that I was leaving but never actually said goodbye to anybody because I don't do goodbyes, and left. But this time it felt wierd. It felt like a vacation, not an actual moving away. And when we first moved up here I drove back down and visited so many times that between trips back to Texas and trips to Colorado it didn't really feel like I was actually living anywhere. But then when the trips got fewer and eventually came to a hault altogether it hit me, this IS where we moved and this WAS my dad's new home, but I could never get into it. I guess thats why I got into so much trouble the first couple years I was here. I figured it wouldn't matter I'd be leaving soon anyway so I could get away with whatever I wanted without having to worry to much about what would happen down the road. I'd be leaving it all behind. But I didn't. I stayed. I'm still here. And I'm still ready to leave but things are different now. That's where the terrifying part comes in. This time when I leave it's not a short trip that I'll return from and tell my father all about, and its not a relocation that includes him either. This will be the time that my brother already experienced where the move away is permanent and alone. (well not alone David and Mackenzie will be with me clearly but lets just not get into how much THAT terrifies me just yet), and my father is probably my best friend on the planet. Being a 22 hour drive away just... absolutely scares the shit out of me. I'm going Home to a place where I know I still have friends and a Mother, but those are friends that have had a life separate from me for the last 5 years and making time for on a visit is one thing but including me back in there lives after so much time has gone by also makes me a bit nervous but the top of my oh shit list is knowing that my absolute Best Friend is not going to be right up the road... he's not gonna be able to rush over to kill wasps that get into my apartment, or come pick me up from work when my car's in the shop or being borrowed, he's not going to be able to play with Mackenzie every Monday after work and Sundays when I come to do laundry, and every other day of the week when I come over sporadically, he's not going to be there to go to Sam's Club with me when I need diapers or anything else in bulk but am scared to go in case theres someone there I don't want to see and can't risk taking David for fear of a fight breaking out. Who am I going to steal Movies from or watch Entourage with? Anyway, I could keep going but I suddenly have a lump in my throat and I'd feel absolutely retarded if I started crying at my computer while I was blogging so lets just move on, I think the point has been made that leaving my dad is a big deal and not an easy decision to make. This wasn't even where I was planning on going with this blog but now its all I can think about. Like I said, Exciting and Terrifying.
I'm also worried about David. I don't know what this is going to do to our relationship and that also scares the crap out of me. I don't want him to go down there with me and have him end up resenting me for making him move to a place where he doesn't know anybody. I want him to go down there and love it as much as I do and see all the beauty and wonderful things that I see about it. But this is David we're talking about and aside from Skateboarding, Mackenzie, and Me he doesn't really love anything. And we descend pretty much in that exact order. Everything is a battle to get him to see a positive side instead of the negative and I'm actually amazed that he finally said he would go. Maybe he realized how much I wanted to go back and that I wouldn't go without him and he felt bad, or maybe he's just as sick of Springfield as I am, or maybe he just wants to experience something new, but the major and imposing difference is that while Texas is Home for me, whether David likes it or not Illinois is Home for him, and as a person that goes out of his way to make sure everyone knows he hates them and goes out of his way to let me know that he hates everything and everyone, I am sincerely worried that moving away from everything and everyone that he knows here is going to break something inside him. I almost wish that we could convince Allenwrench or Steve to move with us so he'd have something to hang on to just like I do, it might make it less scary for him.



This whole thing has gone on long enough, I never intended to write this much or get so in depth about anything, I guess I've got more on my mind than I realize, I've gotten way to good at masking my feelings, half the time they're masked even from me and I don't realize I even have them untill a rant like this starts. How sad.

Oh yeh... Last Friday was my birthday. I am now 78. Or 6. There's an internal mental war happening between my inner crotchety old grouch and temper-ridden easily amused toddler to see who wins.