The past few years of my life, especially this particular past year, I have changed quite a bit... Speaking with a close friend recently, I feel less alone with these feelings of loss towards who I once was - I am not the only one possessing that sense of emptiness.. which I knew I wasn't, but it is something indescribable to hear those words from someone else - that you feel but leave unspoken... I came to a recent sudden realization though - because of my images from my photo classes; my color class mostly... The recent images I have produced have this dark and sad feeling, all involving something child-like (though not childish) in some non-childish way..... And it hit me - I have been mourning the death of my childhood... since becoming an adult and even more since I turned 25... I feel that loss of innocence and freedom I felt as a kid... Everything was so simple and care-free.. I was so different... But life changes people and innocence disappears... It's all a part of growing up and being human... I think it helps and is somewhat comforting to know the root of those feelings, but that doesn't make them completely go away...

Although, for the first time in a while, today I felt inner peace... I sat outside the photo lab at SIU in the more than perfect for November weather.. the breeze blew my hair and it danced across my face, curtaining my eyes every few seconds only to reveal the world back to them again... The air was crisp and clear, as it always is in autumn.. the sky was dark but bright, with clouds rolling by... There's just something about the fall; about an autumn sky... I don't think there's anything more perfect... I looked into the horizon, admiring the weather and the world in general (quite the contrary from my recent feelings towards life)... I thought about how nice it would be to freeze this day; keep this moment in time... get into my car and just go... not running away, but to be free... Free from the world and it's obligations and regain the lack of responsibilty I had as a child... It was hard to pull myself from that moment, which turned into 20 or 30 moments... but I am left with a sense of calm and peace, the love for the world I had (childhood) -..that seems like not so long ago... tomorrow is a new day and I'm sure this nostolgic feeling will not linger through until then... It will fade and return me to the cruel world, to adulthood, to reality.. but it was nice to reminisce.. and I am grateful for it...