On Sept 18th at 11pm my life will change yet again. I have no control over this and have to passively await this alteration as an infant awaits tasty milk from a breast. While I prepare for this change I've decided to let you, my loyal fans who knew me before the change occurs, in on my preparations for this momentous event. If you are one of my "real" fans you know that the reason my life will change is that on Sept 18th at 11pm the airing of my first one hour special "Mitch Fatel is Magical" on Comedy Central will occur. At midnight after the special has run, my life, as I knew it, will be a faint and distant memory. I must say I'm a little shocked and humbled by the attention the premiere of this masterpiece has garnered. Having to ask Vladimir Putin (YES, THE VLADIMIR PUTIN) if I could put him on hold, to tell Barack Obama (YES, THE BARACK OBAMA) that I would have to call him back. (Putin and I were just wrapping up and he was repeating back to me my "Crotchless Panties" bit, one of my classics – his words, not mine) I do have to report when I finally did talk with Obama I tried to be nice but made him very irritable when I refused to take stimulus money to "get myself a nice dinner" telling him this was irresponsible.
I have already gotten much more fame in my life then I ever really knew was possible. My therapist used to tell me that fame wouldn't answer all my lingering feelings of loneliness and give me the love I always longed for. It is now that I've tasted just a smidge of it that I can unequivocally tell the therapeutic community they're going to have to alter their text books to reflect the new knowledge, direct from my experiences, that fame absolutely clears up your lingering feelings of loneliness and absolutely gives you the love you've longed for all your life. Not only does fame make life perfect, it's filled with other perks I never could have known. Off the top of my head, some other things I never knew about fame, when you become famous you never have to water plants or feed your pets again. When famous you never have to shake after you pee. When you're famous you're allowed to take as much stereo wire as you want from Radio Shack. No late fees ever on anything, anything...library books, blockbuster DVDS, an extra half hour with a hooker! Never. I don't even have to show them ID because, yup...they know who I am, I'm famous.
I regularly walk out of restaurants without paying. I even try to tip the waitresses and they look at me like I'm nuts. A porter once helped me with my bags at the train station and when I attempted to slip him a five he actually called the police on me, assuming I was an imposter posing as world famous comedian Mitch Fatel. Not only did they make me take back my five, they told me famous people should never be on trains and teleported me, YES TELEPORTED ME, to my destination.
I can't even begin to tell you how much better your sex life becomes when you're famous. When I was a teenager I dreamed of threesomes. Threesomes! Ha, If I have a threesome now that's the equivalent of masturbating in a dirty bathroom. I regularly have hundredsomes. My hundredsomes are fully catered by Wolfgang Puck and I can eat all the Velveeta and shells dinners I want and I never gain a pound.
Now I sit back and await, Super Fame, that ethereal next step that most will never know. I don't really know how different Super Fame is but I have recently gotten a booklet and a follow up call by Brad Pitt to start preparing me. I noticed in the booklet one clause I am particularly happy about which states "Once you are Super Famous you have the right to have one person imprisoned for no reason other than they annoy you." Start packing Dr. Phil.
I do want to take this final opportunity before my special hits that for all people worried that I'm going to change or somehow be different. Your fears are 100% warranted. I probably will not take any calls from anyone that's not Super Famous, However, I will make an exception for all my fans IF....IF you get someone else to watch the special. How will I know if you do, because being famous means I can have you interrogated by the C.I.A yes the CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY! So don't try anything fishy. If you help on my road to super stardom not only will you be able to do cocaine legally but you will have the right to pee on anyone you find repulsive and when someone questions you just call me and I will clear it up.
So lets do this, Sept 18th at 11pm, Comedy Central, we all have work to do. Believe me you want me on your side, don't let me down or I will have you imprisoned. Yes, IMPRISONED! And you will be anally raped. Yes ANALLY RAPED! Godspeed.