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at this moment, i am less than 100 away from 1 million page views. i am writing this not because i always knew i'd reach it but because of the disbelief that i ever would. ive said this many times before: i'm not a model, or a television star, or any celebrity that can make even the tiniest of headlines. the skills ive picked up that interest people in the slightest, arent all that far away from the next person who tries just as hard. why anyone would view my page as a result of me being just me behind my computer was already too surreal to make sense of. yet curiosity urged me on to see how far it would take me - it took me past a number of myspace friends that i used to think was what half-a-million was (50,000).
look, i dont want to allow myself the pleasant illusion that all 50,000 people on my friendlist care about me, or even remember that theyve even added me, or will even know who i am when they turn off their computer. it would be my wishful thinking to believe that there arent a few myspace pages on my friendlist leading me further from a single genuine human being and to some spam and porn site instead. and that pages aren't vacant when the myspace crowd has apparently "grown-up" and now facebook everything. yeah, im pretty sure that the updates i post to myspace arent even close to actually reaching the people behind the numbers. im pretty sure that to a lot of these 50,000 people, i am just that one number. i know that the closer i get to the next big number, the greater the frequency of comments from people who'll ask me "who the f#$% are you?". when you think about it, 50,000 doesnt make me that much more popular. so maybe 50,000 hasnt taken me anywhere close to 50,000? and can i accept that? yes i will.
but 1,000,000 page views is something to me. a number, that as a child, i once thought was an impossible number for anything like me to even be around. it tells me that it took me 1,000,000 chances to reach just one of you. within those 1,000,000 times, ive made friends, exchanged thoughts, faced the past, paced my future, seen people through and throughout, found goodness in many and tolerance in the opposite, while attempting to manifest dreams for (1) myself (2) for others (3) with the help of others. speaking with you as a girl who just decided to sign up
for myspace one day, i guess i am just shocked that i actually got the
chance in my life to be a millionaire in some weird way. one million of
these processes between a handful of friends - works for me. let me talk a little more about this process and you'll understand why it means so much to me:
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now there are three songs that i find myself always alluding to when thinking about my own life:
#1. Praise and Adore - Wavorly
#2. Giving It Away (B-sides) - Mae
#3. Say It to Me Now - Glen Hansard
so lets go with song #3 below...
ive been in love w/ #3 for a few years now and even more in love with the fact that his guitar looks like that because he sings...well...like that. fearless and vulnerable.
if you havent had the chance yet, check out one of my favorite movies: ONCE. it features song #3. the movie is not blockbustery. nor is the plot twisty and turny. but trust me, you'd understand it if you simply relate to being caught up in a moment of profound understanding with another person. this process builds a bubble around the two of you that guides both souls in one single and pure direction for a period of time. sharing ideas. making mistakes. trying it anyway. wondering what you were thinking. being one with everything it is doing to the both of you. fascinated with who the other reveals themselves as...with who you are not but they are...what you then make sense of together. again, i use the words: vulnerable and fearless. because the bubble, even if it is fragile, is really pretty fearless to even attempt to make it gently to the ground knowing what it inevitably knows - that it bursts. and is it really a bad thing? we should be amazed that a process so enveloping would ever happen to us. would let two people happen if even for seconds that are few. that this bubble would only end once it has become the
best it could possibly be with what it was given. we are confronted with a chain of
best possible moments in every opportunity that we connect with another person on here. it is this process between two people who find in each other a kind of amplifier to their moment of clairity that is the most
beautiful thing to me.
p.s. if you want me to shut up after 140 characters or less then come meet me on twitter haha.
 | Currently listening:
100 Years
By Five for Fighting
Release date: 2004-06-15 |
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11:19 AM
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