the balance of life...

i miss my friends!  i miss the ones i had until new years eve, the ones up north, the ones i don't know how to talk to anymore, the one in cameroon...

with every gain is always a loss... we can never really have it all, and if it seems that some do, it's what's behind the scenes that matters...

i'm tired of petty and hurtful.  i just want to go out and have a beer and a deep dish pizza and go see a band and have some laughs.  i don't want to hear anymore about obama being a muslim racist terrorist who hates america or the differences between insurgents and extremists from a four letter country that may start with I.  i officially don't care (as long as hillary doesn't win) and i'm tired of being not "christian" enough or liberal cool enough or economic enough or green enough.

i want to be happy in my relationship that's completely legit and by which i came through no actual wrongdoing or harm to others, and not have others feel that i should feel guilty about it.  (I don't.)

i want people to drop their egos and for once pay attention to what they really care about besides of themselves and their image... and possibly recognize in doing so that the people they've abandoned might just be the friends they needed in the first place.

--------------------

in all this dream chasing and history making we worry about within our lives, the years pass quickly, devoid of foresight or hindsight or any kind of sight at times.  my past 6 years have been flown blindly on the whim of what my heart is saying.  sometimes my mouth says what my heart's thinking and i have to face the consequences of being all too honest and all too sensitive.  if only i could be a professional advocate, but even so i don't like people that much.

all i know is that growing up reading james herriot, and being the chief animal maintainance person in my family, and having horses...... the list continues... i'm finally trying to face the truth i've probably always known about myself:  i need to be a vet.

i only wish that in chasing my "heart" i'd have stopped being stubborn about school and listened closer. 

it's not just that i wanted to help *somebody*, i want to help animals.  large animals.  cattle.  horses.  dogs.  snakes.  i like them all.  i don't have an "eww" moment with anything animalian.  people, on the other hand, are gross.

so, facing this, and owning this all too late... 30 hours of school that i've already had, now staring me in the eye to repeat again because i couldn't get my hard head out my my ass and go back to school within an appropriate window of time.  6 years now, instead of 4.  i'll be 33 for chrissake. 

then what?  start a business or start a family?  at the same time?  pick one and not do the other?

as always, a work in progress...