I'm not exactly sure how I feel right now. I've had an interesting week seeing different facets of sexuality affecting people I care for deeply. It certainly has made me take a look at my own actions, thoughts, fantasies, etc.

At a time when my sexuality reached a historic role in my fellowship and the acceptance that a person's sexual orientation is a necessary discussion in recovery I saw ugliness to this disease that still disturbs me. What I thought was going to be a time of friendship and bonding turned into a reality check on the insidiousness of addiction. My friend was so caught up in his compulsion that he couldn't see two feet in front of him. For the most part I did not exist and the normal expectation of consideration and friendship went out the window.

Essentially he was using. What I know about addiction is I don't have to be ingesting a chemical to have the mindset and behavior of a using addict. He was so filled with narcissism and self-centeredness he didn't even consider if his actions affected me or not.

It was ugly.

It was difficult to watch without judgment or pity.

I pride myself in celebrating sexuality. I encourage everyone to have a healthy and voracious sexual appetite. What I couldn't fathom was seeing someone so consumed with finding ways and means to get more that nothing else mattered. Not once did we sit down to a meal or attend a workshop or even walk together. There was no desire on his part to make any time for our friendship or felt any willingness to participate in the convention with me. Even when he attended a workshop I was attending, he didn't feel compelled to sit with me.

As much as I hate to admit it, my feelings were hurt by his total self-centeredness. I even looked to see if I was jealous that he hooked up with so many different guys or the fact he brought someone back to my room without even asking if it was ok, and the real and truthful answer is. . .no. I see him as a friend and up until now a good friend. I have always enjoyed his company and great conversation so it was a let down to have him stay in my room and not spend any time together. I would even be willing to celebrate his hook ups and ability to attract men to him if it didn't seem so desperate and needy. I will never understand how anyone can hook up with three different guys in less than 24 hours and see self-esteem or love or acceptance in that. Here's a guy who bemoans not having a boyfriend, wanting a serious loving relationship, who says he fears STDs, and yet day after day a different guy; a different sexual partner.

I am saddened to think all of this promiscuity was more important than friendship.

On the other side of this I've seen fear paralyze another friend of mine from being able to perform or have any kind of satisfying sexual encounter with his dates and hook ups.

I realize how this disease exploits our weaknesses to get us in a state of self-loathing and pity. There are times I believe all of us wish we could just turn off the thinking long enough to function. Sometimes it just seems like so much work just to GET TO normal.

I am grateful for my willingness to change my thinking, to change my perspective. I just get frustrated that it doesn't come naturally for me right from the start.

There's always hope that I will get better. I have. There is always hope that my friends caught up in disease will want something better for themselves and work to improving being more considerate or honest in the face of paralyzing fears. I know I want better for myself and I don't have to spend time with someone who is using to get there.

Thank God.