(dropping in to yammer on to myself, kindly look the other way.)

ah, the clarity that comes with the last 4 days before a payday. i realized just today that i have nothing but old dead lady food in my cupboard, a quarter tank of gas in my car, and a nicotine addiction way too expensive for as young as it is. i can hang on another lousy couple of days, though, friday's just a hop, skip, and a froggie jump away. friday i'm in love.

my lease is up march 31, meaning i've survived this whole living-on-my-own thang for almost a year now. no one can fathom how jazzed i am to say that. seriously. as many times as i've imagined starting over, moving far, far away, living the odd dream, there's always been a Someone Else in the picture, helping to make it all possible. a kickass brother or best friend or some dumb guy. while i've gotten a lot of help from various sources since moving to austin 6 years ago and i truly appreciate every drop of kindheartedness offered me, being able to live where and how i chose-- independently, without compromise-- it's been like a 12-month-long miracle. i feel a thousand times better about who i am and what i'm capable of. and that's awesome. now i just need photographic evidence of this apartment before i move out and can't prove later that i really did manage to scrape by on my own for a time. because i forget things when i get bummed out. really obvious things, sometimes. and i'd like not to forget this whole experience 15 years down the road or whatever when i have a particularly bad day or something.

i'm totally not sleeping right. summers do not stay up late and still function the next morning. maybe i need a new bedtime routine. i usually turn on both my xbox and my nes, play on the latter until my eyes cross, and then click over to a burned season of the office for background noise while i drift off. tonight i stayed as late as i dared at cal's playing wow before retreating to my place for some dr mario love action. but after playing a half-hour, i realized i wasn't getting sleepy. not at all. so i made a classic mistake and picked out a dvd i like way too much. the movie ended ages ago and i've been typing to that annoying menu screen music loop since.

where did xavier go? anyone? he suddenly does not appear to have a profile on myspace, and i get a bit worried when he just vanishes like that. fucking ninjas. xavier, if you've decided to make a fresh start for yourself by pretending to be a middle-aged housewife in Vermont online, i'd be ever so grateful if you'd clue me in. le sigh.

by the by, i had this dream last week about my boss, his wife, and her golden retriever guru friends all being members of this way-too-normal-looking-from-the-outside church of satan. there was chanting and oldpersononoldpersonsex and blood drinking; the works. since then, i'm pretty sure i haven't been able to look my boss in the eye. i think i'm afraid he'll read my mind, conclude that my trauma- and/or substance-induced amnesia is wearing off, and kill me before i expose him and his devil-sucking wife to everyone in the dog world for what they really are.

i only mention this because i'm still trying to figure out why i can't sleep. it's after 3 am, and old girlies like this one need their shuteye.

and because i'm out of things to yammer about.

good night?