back from harris... inebriated. ran into submarine and friends. heard good stories, irritated ppl, wondered about the world.


wrote 4 pages in the novel. i'm getting towards a plain spoken and rather bitter end, as it is for all and many other things. everything is spinning, spinning. i wrote down what i was a afraid of for so many years. it will come to that at the end. there is a choice, a life defined by principle or a life defined by fear.


saw the psychologist. think she is preggers, by the look of her dress. not sure if it is the math professor she used me to make jealous or not. kind of hoping it was, so the glorious betrayal would have some tangible fruit. she was trying to do that.. " i don't see you stuff." screw that, i waved in the moment, and she had to wave back, because of her herself. it was big of her, no matter what happened before. but i breathed a sigh of relief. the desperation that consumes people now seems infectious, like i could grab it from the air like a spider's web, or a bit of that thick cigarette smoke on a fall night. it is all around. pple wanteing to know they can be hungry and vulnerable. as furious as i was, i won't fault anyone for trying to break out of the bubble they are wrapped up in from birth. still, i did that enough not to lose my sensiitivity, to know where the "other" is, even if i am not that person. everyone hase their lines, and drawing them is needed and necessary.

i was thinking of the penutb butter narcissist girl who crushed on me some years ago. she's married and never bothered to tell me. too ashamed, she used to like me and i made fun of her for it. yeah, she is an ass, a dick, etc., but i should not have been so jovial in hurting her feelings because of who she was. we are all animals. the elections rely on this. i watched john mccain speak tonight. i got ill, no talk of iraq, trying to imply that dems were at the trough like repubs, ridiculous, offshore oil drilling, environmentalists. msnbc, sure to get a shot of all 3 black ppl at the convention, so you think it was "diverse." utter bullshit. same for obama's speech. we are watching a king made alive.... nothing happens by accident and politics, and given what i know, it could all be the elaborate mind-fuck by a cabal of a secret brotherhood.. to actually make you think super duper "change" is happening.


the election is a chance to absolve us of guilt. no. you get no pass fro me. you vote either way, no matter. you will eventually end up dead up with no real idea of what happens next, though you would imagine you have a cosmic nature and a cosmic understanding of the world now and the world to come. children, what utter products of vanity. elections.. you actually think they will change things? if we are the emotionally fickle sheep i know we are, mccain will win and we will be vindicated.. why? we will feel he is our penance. if obama wins, he will be our redemption, messianic, et. al.


i had thought of a house and a motorcycle, now, i don't know. i want more adventure, save cash, go on a round the world trip. leave everything behind, like i did weeks ago. no care for money or life. just in the moment, waiting for the next thing to occur. there was nothing more i wanted. i have a few friends here i may miss, but i forget all about them. fresh, fresh, fresh...


hung out with the submarine.... her gay protective friend is quite cool... and too jaded to be 22. wtf.. i thought i was bad. all the failures are "learning experiences".. i'd rather be actually living than learning.. it gets old. "learning" a salve...

drunk.. yeungling. and 'grandma' == grand mariner.. i like how that shit tastes...
wonder if i have left my intellectual youth to a feeling future.. i've never been so stupid as of lately... and not really minding that at all. i should change careers soon.... i want to brainstorm over the weekend, if i can sleep. ......

i keep ending up with a divorced intimacy from ppl, even those i would call "friend." i cannot help it, even though my bull in the china shop worldview.. lends itself to that. what am i to think when their words are pinging around in my mind...listening is not equal to "do what i say, not as i do"... and communication does not solve everything... but laying down a framework explicitly.. might have saved me a lot of trouble... for a lot of years. ....


you get to a point.. where you know your boundaries, an d you respect them, since ppl will run all over you if you don't... but if you are so huddled in a ball.. what then. I missed my SF adventuruer.. nothing to lose, and all to gain.... talk talk, talk, and let the chips fall.. here .. it is the starvation arena..., so i fall down.. and i feel numb... work smells like curl activator.. and moisturizer... it remins me of the past. bitter.. i can smell it in the window now.. th ecold is coming.. none too soon. drunk. huge pimple on my temple. fuck.


over in shadyside.. writing longhand.. i keep forgetting that i a back.. and ppl are afraid of me.. i put things in my notes... i write the novel.. then put notes on the side margins.. anything i think.. novel related or not... funnyf as shit... i wonder how i appear to them all... are we all free or just pretending...

to be.....