so omitted alot of things from last posting. what is *up* with me lately. Bad decisions, but not really bad. Just bad situations that i end up in when i forget that i am black.

Used to like an east end bar whose name i will not mention. None too far from my house. Usually, am the only black dude in there, but not always. Go in. Place is loud b/c of jukebox. Asked to sit down next to a rather hyper irish girl. turns out she works in shadyside law firm. Cool, a bit talkative. told me she dated a guy for 6 years, they move in, she leaves the house in two days and never speaks to the guy again. Wow. Thought she was actually with the guy sitting next to her. then i saw what was going down.

turns out she came to the bar solo, probably looking for a hookup. I don't knock anybody for that, but i don't pursue that sort of thing with a woman too drunk. i chatted her up a bit. she showed me photos of her friends daughter. she had a snaggle tooth, she was cool, but probably would be better sober. I am not going to get into a competition for her attention with her and other dude, but i'm not going to freeze her out totally. over the course of the night, she dropped a whole bunch of thingso ut of her purse without knowing. mmm not that attractive. i ask her if she will catch a cab home, she says yeah. cool. next thing i know, one of the guys i seen at Novum with me shows up, starts talking to her, leaves with her15 min afterwards.Kind of ghetto, but could be likable. He pays for a budweiser with a wrinkled 20 dollar buill and takes all the change back. He was looking at me funny, as if he was checking to see if i would get jealous or something. it was just weird. i also figured she was fidgeting around and not leaving because she wanted me to "make my move."


Even if my mind was on that tip, it would be impossible. the jukebox is deafening. two old italian couples came in. Old men piss me off. Too much damn cologne and shirts tucked in at the waist in dress pants. Give it a rest already... i don't want to sniff you 15 feet away. dude comes in. bartender, can be a jerk @ times. i guess you get that being in one place too long. En route to the bar that will not be named, i came upon a drunk guy. he handed me a beer. i put it down elsewhere. whatever.. so, after irish girl, with a rather forlorn look on her face, goes home with Mr. Novum. drunk guy comes in the bar. no one can understand a word he says. bartender refuses to serve him. she's gracious, ad nice. i ignore the cat, while she is speaking to him. he taps me, i tell him she is right, cannot get served. he incredulously asks if i am shitting him. No good sir, i shit thou not.

Bartender comes up, and in retrospect was giving me shit. she was asking me why i was talking to him after she cut him off. i did not really understand what she meant, i told her i was telling him that it is against the law to serve him. When i look back on it, she was saying that i should literally have not said anything to him, as if I sparked up a conversation with him and neglected any consideration. Fuck that, drunk dude taps you on the arm at a bar, you address him. No telling what he might do if you don't. WTF, i'm supposed to be all quiet and stonewall the guy? i was backing her up and explaining to the guy that he legally cannot be served, and I get shit about it. all of 15-30 seconds to tell the guy, and then he leaves anyways. bartender is an ignorant asshole whose been working in the same place so long i guess she thinks it is her house or something. it could be the area though. stupid ghetto guys asking for 40 ounces.

Had bad shit happen at harris. Went there, wild on a saturday night. girls, drunk guys with too much money. walk over to the jukebox, black cocaine head starts to talk to this girl, she grabs me and hides behind me... close keeping my body between herself and dude. he was just saying hi, i thought they were friends, playing around. turns out she was seriously afraid of the guy. being on coke, might make you overly hyper, but i got more of a playful vibe, being used as a shield. then it got weird. went back to jukebox later, dude standing near girl says some shit.. "Blab Blah .. ask Lamar." while looking at me. Iniitially, i thought he was just mistaking me for a dude named Lamar, till I realized he might as well as said "Demetrius" or "Lebron." I was not even mad, just bemused. Same girl who used me as a shield apologized, grabbed my arm with both of her hands while saying this. mmmmkay. she was sincere about it, but i was just in awe.....

later on, you knew shit would get wild. saw that same group of jokers dropping their pants while dancing to the music. stupid. Then, unspecified dudes start screaming. I get the impression that dude calling me "Lamar" and some other creepy cat were about to get into it. Crack harris grill staff go to work and get them out of the place. Actually had some good convo later on in the night. bunch of girls from Fucking Penn State going to grad school @ pitt. Nice, but strange @ times. Guys are weird, when they want to get in a girls drawers. One guy did that freaky norweigan shit, rapidly slapping a girl on the thigh a few times in quick succession. yeah... that is a bit creepy, especially when she is sitting down, you are standing up, and she is surrounded by her girls... you should probably not do that and put all this pressure on her, even if she is digging you. take that shit outside....

same as before. some dude asked me to move so he could sit next to some darkhaired blue collar looking girl. then he goes.. blah blah.. i'm this, i'm that.. my dad has website .. he sells bottlecaps, i produce films.. blah blah... men are so fucking boring. then, he gets all jealous in shit. girl had some issues.. she kept looking around the place alot. initially, i thought it was because she wanted the dude to take the hint and take a hike.. he, like a dumbass, actually says "Ummm.... Do you want me to leave? I see you looking all around." So... what the fuck do you want dude? If you get that vibe, bounce and leave her alone. Why stand around there all day and ask for her to stop looking around. you know fuck all about her, spent the past 20 min. running down your dating resume, whatever. that is why you don't be getting no pussy, don't know how to SHUT THE FUCK UP for five minutes and find out what she is about. so bloody desperate..

so, then, on monday night. walked up to squirrel hill coffeeshop. in their typing my last blog entry. had convo with barista. politicians are fucked up, how they see the world, we are sheep. voting does not change too too much, and all the drama is just drama to make ppl think they live a democracy when we are living in a "monarchy by purported consent." etc. go back to my table. asian girl, looking strangely like my ex comes in, took table near my own. i go to sit down, she was opening her books up and stuff, we meet eyes, she packs up her stuff immediately and goes to the far side of the coffeeshop. mmmmkay. i was just looking at her not looking at her. that kind of fucked me up a bit. it would be one thing, if she set up... then pretended she wanted a different table... and moved there.. even integrating the getting of coffee with that. no, she was like a soldier. i just laughed b/c i did not know how to take it.

i was into the blog typing, but since i have peripheral vision, she kept seeming to look over at me while she was waiting in line to order her drink after she moved. i don't know if that implies some sort of guilt or she just wanted to gauge my reaction, or whatever.

i'm not screaming bloody murder or racism in her regard. one time i was up at quiet storm cafe, asian girl studying, ghetto dudes come in, start talking, hugs her without her permission, she shoves him off, etc. if she felt like i might be distracting her from her work or be that kind of guy to be gawking at her, she had better make the move. it is just... fucked up.. when it happens. i'd like to think better of it, and that maybe getting the drink, she was seeing if the move did something to me. if she was totally bigoted, i figured she would not even want to lay eyes on me. i dunno. since she saw me talking to barista coming in, i would think she would believe i was "ok." ++ seeing me with the 17 inch apple powerbook should ensure you I got smarts n' stuff. dunno. it could be since she favored my ex... that kind of would play with my mind as well. if i see her again, i wil be neutral and smiley...

all in all, all the drama of my goings-out and throw in the velvet underground token i became... i feel funny. I liked SF, because I felt i could disappear and no one seemed to make my presence a big deal. a curiousity, maybe, but not a whispering "wtf..." i am tired of being someplace where everyone seems so afraid of me. i don't know if i am what i am because i'm weirdly goodly innate in that way or because i have found myself crafting the "i" out of all the things that refract off me. when ppl say or do things to you, they affect your identity. so i wonder if i feel an outsider b/c i naturally am inward seeking.. or because, given my unconventional interests and predilections, i have let them subconsciously "make" me. I don't want to split the difference and think there is something in between. that would be too easy, and contemplating this is not driving. little things make a difference..

at work, i happened upon this woman. totally hot. totally married. beautiful and smart and talented and totally oblivious to what i may think of her. or may be not. women probably know more than men do, so unless specified otherwise, probably reasonably assume that any guy who talks to them longer than normal probably harbors the occasional thought of fucking them. so, i'm probably already "outed." as always, down the same sad road to heartbreak. mormon girl txted me.. asking if i got her email. she says she wants to see me again. i don't say no to women, so i will probably say yeah, even though we may not have compatibility. i won't say "let's be friends" to anyone ever, so i'll probably be fishing around, hanging out with her, till my mind and hormones get the better of me, or until she issues ultimatums to me. i don't mind that, but it always becomes adrenalin soaked and teeth grinding. i wonder if married girl thinks i smell good. i wonder if mormon can be good in the sack and is a closeted nymph. i wonder in a perfect world if the woman who moved to a different table will stop me one day and apologize and say she is in med school, and i could scope her left hand for rings and find the skin bare. i wonder when my next monthly weeping session will occur. hopefully soon...