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Current mood:  numb
Yeah.... so this is a little darker that the stuff I usually drum up... but I was in an especially twisted little mood this evening and let my mind wander off to a bit of a place where I can see things in a much more base and simple light.... please don't take my musings as a sign you need to discuss therapy options with me to cure my blackness....
JV
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The anger I pound into the wall is palpable as the blood runs down my fingers.... I feel it drip, hot and wet and my knuckle splits further with each crushing blow... the force with which I can propel my arm does little to the object of my malice... but it soothes my brain.... which is racing... 100 times faster than when I made my misstep.... and now my only solace is my fist, and my blood, and a wall....
Some might argue I am troubled... an idyllic freak with no semblance of the cacophony of multitudes that compromise right and wrong... but I think they are fucked... the ones who adhere to some other-worldy guidance as their bell weather of right... I hold to my own constructs... my own wishes... my own me.... I hold to what I find true... and at this point... the only thing I can think, is removing the overwhelming frustration that is at the front and center of my brain and that seems only to dissipate as I smash my bleeding and fractured hand again and again into a wall that shows no concern for my feeble attempts at its destruction....
The pain is rising.... I feel the nerves in my hand scream in anguish as the jolt of lightning resonates throughout my wrist and forearm and climbs ever so swiftly to its exsanguination point just below my elbow.... I think it is dead... my hand now limp, no longer able to pummel that wall and just a meek semblance of its former self... I have destroyed it... and I feel the storm releasing from my brain..... but it isn't vanquished... the foe that resides in my head will not depart yet even with the destruction of its main proponent....
Alas no, I find a yell.... deep within me a noise resonates from my stomach in a sound that can only be described as a groan cum shriek..... it crashes forth from my mouth at the same instance my left hand strikes the wall that had been the object of my rights barrage only moments earlier.....
Blow after blow rains down until the familiar pattern starts again... the blood... the warm... the laughter of mania as I beat what one normally uses as a more modest tool into a wall that has no mercy on human flesh or bone....
Repeated poundings until this hand too is bloodied and frail and fractured and I laugh wildly as I whip myself in a semi circle and fall backwards crashing my shoulder blades into the wall with such force that I tear through the thin t-shirt that covers my torso as the wall catches my fall....
Sliding downward with my back against the wall I feel the grating edges of the stone rip hundreds of mini scratches into my back and I crumple to the ground in a pile.... knees bent at a hard angle, my limp arms to my sides and leaning halfway to the right as I hold myself somewhat on the little strength remaining in my tattered right arm.....
I'm laughing and crying simultaneously.... I hate, and scream inside, while at the same time loathing myself for my outburst.... deep breaths exhaled rapidly from lungs as my mind continually races wondering if I can control myself or if this display is some wild cry of desperation... hoping for someone to take notice and give enough of a fuck to rescue me from what I find to be abhorrent in this world....
But there is no one like me... no one that understands and no one that will ever truly give a fuck... is there....and so I cry again as the realization sinks in deeper... I am all fucking alone... I am nothing but an essence that will never be understood... I am trapped in my own mind in my own world of shit and so dearly wish for anyone else who can connect.....
But I won't, and it won't, and there never will....
So I'll remain... and will my missteps... and will this me....
And the wall and I will meet again.... and again I will fail... and feel all that I am....
Which is nothing.....
7:57 AM
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