The Truth about the NFL by Joe Queen and Associates: The way it is!
Whats up folks, its been a while. I'm a huge sports fan, mainly the NFL, but I also follow soccer, basketball, boxing and sometimes baseball. I love sports and I love the NFL it's great I love the action, the suspense, and the athleticism is amazing. But I cannot help but notice the way that sportscasters and analysts talk about players and they make all of these assumptions and BS assumptions and treatment basically based on race…Oh and I actually wrote this BEFORE the Vick Indictment and this has nothing to do with that…that's a whole other story.
I will now morph into you average everyday NFL analyst and give you my opinions as an analyst on players and their attitudes! You ready!?
"Hey, Im average white sportscaster Joe Queen. On behalf of all of my colleagues we are about to tell you everything you need to know about the NFL…Here we go!
If you are a black Wide Receiver and you like to talk and dance when you score a touchdown you are probably a problem and a cancer in the locker room. You are an over paid selfish person who thinks that they are bigger then the game. Why can't you just score the touchdown and shut up! It makes me nervous and besides touchdowns are not that exciting. You are taking away from the game! If you a black and dominant Line Backer or Defensive End you are just a freakish athlete with incredible speed. If you are a black shutdown Cornerback you are loud mouthed cocky jerk that talks too much. Oh and if you are a black Quarterback you BETTER not run. You had better throw that ball like they used to do in the old days or you ain't no quarterback to me! You probably are not intelligent enough to read defenses quick enough like Peyton Manning. So you opt to run and use your freakish talent to cut through defenses with your feet instead, and honestly that shit is scary. We are seeing the position change in front of our eyes and we don't know anyone back home that can do what you do, so please don't do that shit. You should probably be a Wide Receiver or a Running Back anyways.
Look at Donovan McNabb he's awesome because he finally stopped running as much. It's about time, for a minute we thought he was just going to be a 2 dimensional QB who beat you with both his feet and his arm. But you tell someone enough to do it the right way and eventually they will. Bravo Donavon Bravo! But I mean seriously, who the hell did he think he was? Steve Young!?
And another thing, if you are a black player and you feel as though you are not getting a fair shake and the team is not paying you what they should and could pay you then don't hold out. That just shows that you are selfish and don't care about the team(we already suspected that anyway!). Now I know that the team can cut you at anytime(even if you have a contract with them) and even when they are not paying you like you should be paid you will be made out to look like the bad guy in a hold out situation, but that's just the way it is. You get out there and play boy and stop giving us all of that lip! You play until we don't want you anymore so we can cut you at almost no consequence to us. We are a huge multi-million dollar business we have no loyalties to you although you should be loyal to us…always remember that!
Hey you guys like Randy Moss, what the hell is your problem!? We are not exactly sure what you did to make us hate you but we don't like you. What you smoked weed in college!? That's going to cost you big time, in fact for the rest of your career. You see you are just like the rest of them. Yes you are an amazing athlete, but why the hell do you get excited when you score a touchdown. And we know you are the best player on the team but why do you insist that people throw you the ball, do you actually think that is going to help your team win!? That's just ridiculous….
Now if you are a white player and you are any good, well shit even if you suck(see Jason Sehorn) WELCOME! Let's talk!
If you are a white guy and play in the NFL, hats off to you my good sir. We will overlook talent a lot of times because you guys really possess what we like to call "intangibles." They are really nothing that you can measure, prove, or display but by golly you got em'. Most of you are guys are what we like to refer to as "motor guys." What that means is that your "motor is always running" and what THAT means, we are not really sure…but props my brotha! My favorite thing about you guys though is that even if you suck or are on special teams we will refer to you as awesome and a "fighter". You know that tackle you made on that punt in the first quarter? That shit was awesome and we are pretty sure you made that tackle because you spend hours and hours watching film and studying the game. In fact ALL of you are "Students of the game!" Plus almost all of you are great "locker room guys" and "motivators." You guys just lead by example I don't really know how you do it, and I'm not really trying to explain to anyone else why I just said that, I just know its true.
Some of my favorite type of guys are dudes like Jeremy Shockey, now I know on the surface it appears that he is just a huge asshole, but you would be wrong yet again! We are the experts here and we know that he just has "a nasty mean streak" that is perfect for football! He uses it well, don't you think? The only reason he may act up is just because his passion for the game is so strong that he can't control it. He reminds me of Bill Romanowski, now that guy was a great player and boy did he intimidate. He was freakishly strong and unpredictable, I don't think that had anything to do with the fact that he admitted doing steroids and you are insulting a great player if you think that. Remember when he spit in the guys face on the field!? How cool was that!? It wasn't disgusting because I bet that dude deserved it, it was one of those loud mouthed Wide Receivers anyways who cares, let's just stop talking about it. I mean it's not like it was as disgusting as Randy Moss fake mooning the Green Bay crowd after he scored a Touchdown. Ask Joe Buck, that was preposterous and will never be forgiven!
Now if you are a white guy and you play any type of position and it is not Quarterback, O-line, Tight End, Line Backer or Fullback YOU ARE AMAZING! We love you even though you are extremely over-rated…but still we like you because "you are a "student of the game" and boy do "you have heart!" Brandon Stokley, Ricky Proel, Joe Jeraviscious, Jason Sehorn, Lynch how do/did you guys do it!? I mean you know compete at those positions with those guys, our hats of to you. Drew Bennett, we are happy to have you because you are actually good and a legitimate number one receiver but you're not like the other trouble makers at your position.
White QB's!!!! HOLLA IF YOU HEAR ME!!!!! (TEHEHEHE! Did we even say that right!!!!? We'll ask Stuart Scott later…) But seriously we love you guys the most. Tom Brady we just want to smell your farts because I am sure they are deliciously pure, just like the way you play quarterback! You are so intelligent and it always seems like you know exactly what to do. You are one of those guys that we like to say has "telephone booth quickness," just like Marino used to have. Hey we don't know what it means either, but I'm pretty sure it's a compliment! Also, the way that your team ruthlessly manages all of it's players is the cat's pajamas. They kick players around like they don't matter. We support that and any player that's got a problem with it(Asante Samuel) is an idiot.
Peyton Manning!!!! Peyton Peyton Peyton!!! You are so amazing, so marketable, so…just sooo much of what we NEED in this league! We are so happy you finally won a Super Bowl too. We love it when you whine and yell at your team during and after the game because god dammit you are right. Those guys are assholes and deserve it. Except for that Marvin Harrison guy, even though he is bla—well ya know!...We like him because he never talks just like he is trained to do. Besides we don't want to hear what you guys have to say anyway. You just keep making us that money.
That's all for now folks. Let me know if you have any questions. If Joe Queen can't answer them then nobody can!"