"Damned if you do, and damned if you don't..." That's one crappy motto. Who came up with that anyway? Were they just too cool to say "I'm in a Catch-22"?
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Ever been with your significant other and you guys are chillin' in front of the tv, when suddenly the up and say, "Let's go somewhere."
And you respond, "Where?"
And she says, "I don't know..." and before you know it you're all arguing because she couldn't make up her mind.
What the heck did I do wrong?!?<br><br>
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You know who can stump Batman?
Women... unless they're criminally inclined because then he can predict their ultimate goal 'cuz they make it known.
But with non-criminally-inclined women, he can't predict squat. They can make Batman cry and lock himself up in his cave to play with his toys and gadgets.
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You know what schools need?
More handballs. I just remember being so much in bliss when it was recess or lunch and got to play hand ball... or even Buns-Up with a tennis ball.
Put more balls in schools!
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Do you have a "1-Up" friend? You know, the friend who always tries to out-do you?
You say, "I got a new computer"
He says, "Cool, I got a computer AND games"
I hate that...
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Sometimes, it feels unrewarding to have people know how they can rely on you. They pretty much come to take that for granted and make you do more than normal just because they know you can do it. Do it yourself, you lazy bastard!
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Ever notice that it's so easy to remember the stupidest lines you hear in a movie, and you're not too sure why that is?
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Are anti-perspirants really good for your health? I mean, don't you have to sweat in those areas or you might suffer some sort of prespiration-deprivatory state or illness?
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Why is it that rich middle-aged men buy those high-end sports car? What does it mean to have a middle-age crisis? Is that something like diarrhea? Can you take pepto bismol for something like that?
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What's the deal with dimples? What makes a person with dimples on their cheeks so attractive huh? If you think about it, they're kind of like pits on the sides of your face. What's so special about that?
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I think pistacios have the same addictive chemical found in potato chips and KFC chicken. Instead of drug dealers, there should be like pistacio dealers near schools everywhere.
"Hey, kid. Want to try some pistacios? They're free.... The first one's free but then you have to buy 'em after that."
Oh man, you'd make oodles of money.
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Sleeping should be a sport... that way most people can be considered athletes. And since people look up to athletes, people will look up to each other, and then, there'll be world peace... Unless people get too competitive with sleeping.
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I heard that once mobile phones gain the capability of functioning as a complete personal organizer, palm tops will die. But isn't that like genocide? Is that morally wrong to further develop one piece of technology knowing that it would eliminate another?
I think that's why the "I, Robot" robots got pissed. Love your old school solar-powered calculators, my friends! Or there'll be hell to pay.
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Seriously though... Where in the circle of life does the cactus stand? Can't eat them... They just stand there collecting water from the rare desert rainfall.
Are they there just to function as an emergency water bottle for dumbasses who get lost in the desert? If so, why have the thorns on 'em? It just means that only the truly desparate may retrieve the water.
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If I could go back to the past, I think people would freak out because I'd look a whole lot older than the first time around I was in that block of time.
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Why can't Orange Juice and Milk get along? Sure, one's acidic and the other's alkaline, but why does that chemical combination have to conflict and give you stomach pains? Why don't they just neutralize each other without side effects? Why can't I have a bowl of milk and cereal with a glass of orange juice, damnit! Why!!!
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Sometimes I like to walk like a crab, going from my left to my right instead of walking the usual forward direction. I also like to form my fingers into pseudo claws and bend my knees low, because if I don't, I'd look like a darn fool walking left to right.
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Why do people say a person has a "green thumb" when they're good at gardening? Sounds like that person is part plant, right? But think about it... Plants don't help other plants grow. Their roots get all tangled up and they fight for space, if anything...
Now fertilizer, THAT's what helps plants grow... so if anything, it should be "Brown Thumb" .... Oh, I see... so that's the problem...
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Man, I miss having Recess... I liked playing handball... without really knowing the rules.
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I'm gonna rap two verses
hand slap, no tag-backs or reverses
Curses!
Whatchoo gonna do
when they come for your crew?
Bickerin' warnings:
Dead mice in your shoe.
Can't run and hide,
it's a slow suicide
death before dishonor
slip in the cyanide.
I'm hip hop's ninja
glidin' through the wind, Ya
think my words are foul
Well, I don't mean to offend ya.
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I'd love to go and do synchronized swimming, but that whole swimming part kinda blows it for me.
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I think I'm more of a romantic comedy than a serious comedy, but when I get mad, I'm more of like a kung fu flick than a blow-em-up action flick.
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Ka-plow!!! That word should be used more.
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Why do movie stars and musicians get so much attention?... Even when they're bad at acting or have bad voices?
This is why I love it when people recognize me... It's the closest thing to glamour and fame I could get. Why won't big businesses sponsor that type of thing instead? I'd wear their stuff all the time if they paid me... but don't confuse me for a sell-out because I have certain standards too... they're just not very high at all.
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I think it's a natural thing for people to want to out-do their friends.
"Hey, I got a new Acura!"
"Really? I just got a Lexus."
"I've been working out."
"How much do you bench?..."
"My gf decided to let me...xxx."
"Really? I don't even have to ask mine. She just does... xxx"
So if you think about it, friends really hate each other, but are close enough to forgive each other's crap.
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Old people say that "youth is wasted on the young."
I'm going to try to remember not to ever say that 'cuz I really don't want wrinkles.
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Did you know that toddlers cry when they are trying to tell you what they want, but couldn't successfully convey the message because their language skills haven't developed?
Maybe we need to think outside the box for a minute, and try to learn their language instead of making them learn ours.
Let's start with the basics:
Goo goo:
Gaa gaa:
What the heck do those mean? Toddlers need to learn to write so that they can publish a babytalk-English dictionary...
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Funny thing about people is that they like to use acronyms like it makes it easier for anyone... BLT, NASA, JLA.... but ultimately, it actually just doubles the memorization work.
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This one guy I knew once said, "I don't like Bi-sexuals."
So I looked at him and said, "Are you homophobic or som'n?"
He said, "No, no, I don't have a problem with homosexually oriented people... I just don't like bi-sexuals."
"Why is that?" I asked.
"Well, because heterosexuals go for the opposite sex, while homosexuals go for the same sex, but bi-sexuals, they're just greedy."
I slapped myself on the forehead over that... but...
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Calcium is supposed to be good for your bones, so you're supposed to drink a lot of it with Vitamin D (which helps your body absorb the calcium)... yet, too much calcium makes your teeth yellowish... and too much Vitamin D is toxic. And yet, no one ever bothers to put that in big bold print on a milk carton... like it wouldn't sell or something... oh... i see...
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I drove past a sports bar Monday night on my way home, and saw that they were trying to promote their Monday Night Football activites by putting 3 hot girls in teeny tank tops on trampolines, bouncing up and down, up and down, bouncing, bouncing... I wonder if it worked.
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You know the phrase "It's like finding a needle in a haystack?" I'll bet someone actually tried to do that just to see the difficulty... and probably pricked their finger doing it without realizing it... That phrase is just a disease trap. Better not use it and get some poor schmuck curious.
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A lot of people think zebra stripes are cool on couch covers. I've got news for you: They're not... 'cuz they'll never go well with that plaid rug under the ash gray, plastic coffee table.
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If a black cat crosses your path, it's supposed to be bad luck...
According to the laws of math though, if two black cats cross your path, you should have good luck... because two negatives equal a positive.
But don't nag and b*tch, 'cuz I'll positively slap you silly.
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They say "opposites attract" like with magnets. A positive charge attracts a negative charge.
When that statement is applied to relationships like in Paula Abdul's old song, wouldn't that make relationships a negative thing? I hear that's what swingers everywhere are thinking.
In any case, I don't ever want to be viewed as the negative person in the relationship... but I know I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a negative person either.
This is why science and math discussions don't make for romantic talk.
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Whomever invented licking candy is either a genious or a sick perv who had a plan to train kiddies early for... you know...
... licking stamps and envelopes to pay their monthly bills.
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If I had wings, I don't think I'd be too happy.
Hanging out on top of a statue in the park as well as dropping bombs on newly washed cars would be way too tempting.
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Ever do something or make sacrifices for someone else that made you feel good about yourself?... No matter what though, it's never quite as good as a shiatsu massage at a spa. What's up with that?
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I think Philosophy is now becoming way too abused by the movie industry, which in turn, leaks onto the tv industry. Take Matrix, for example...
I think it was a guy by the name of Nietzsche that said, (to put in really simplified terms) 'what if none of what we know as our world really exists at all?'
Now you really have to think about that phrase to get the very many ways it could be interpreted.... Go ahead. I'll wait.
Mm-kay, so see how it ties into the Matrix idea?
Anyway, the movie made millions, then more movies are biting on the idea... and I don't like how that's happenning... mostly because it reminds me of the rise of Bad Boy Records when they just kept "borrowing" and "borrowing" from older songs and made millions. That was frickin' annoying, and I don't want to be annoyed anymore.
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A lot of guys get to like a certain type of music after they've seen a hot girl dancing all sexy to that type of music... mostly because everytime they hear that type of music, they remember the image of that hot girl dancing... and since they probably got too intimidated to talk with that girl, that's all they'll have of her and she'll be one of their fantasy girls for a long time.
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I'm not a big fan of eggplant... Maybe it's the bitterness, or the texture... but some people really like it. Why can't I figure out how to like eggplant?!? Is it one of those great mysteries of life to which the answer is "42?" I guess I'll never know in my lifetime.
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Mushrooms are funny... we eat them, but when we eat the toxic ones, we die.. then after a while, they start eating us. Ooh the irony.
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One party game I never understood was the one where you spin around a bat ten times with your forehead on it's hilt and the other end on the ground, then run over to some goal line. Who came up with that crap? I'll bet it was some drinking game at first inception, but then it leaked from college folks to high school folks then to little kiddie parties...
Man, just wait 'til the star wars drinking game makes its way to nurseries everywhere!
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Everybody thinks it's sooo cool to be a "lone wolf."
I've got news for you: wolves travel in packs, so lone wolves are the ones who got their butts kicked and were forced to stray.
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People expect me to think and get work done. That's so not going to happen. Thanks to the thinking part, I've come to realize that once the work is done, I won't get paid anymore. Hoo! You can't outsmart me, boss!
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Sometimes I like to rebel and not wear my shoes on the proper foot. What do you mean, "why even wear shoes?" ?!? I said 'rebel,' and not become a full time hippie! Those hippies wouldn't know what rebellion if it hit them in the face... oh wait...
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Once in a while, I like to fake an accent. Be it French, British/Cockney, New Yorker, Southern, Australian, Californian, Hawaiian. I like people to think I'm a well-travelled guy who can mingle with the locals of foreign places because everyone hates tourists.
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It's funny how some people think soooo much alike. Almost like they were bred from the same ameoba eons ago before "them hills were there" and low and behold they end up meeting in the oddest of places. I think that's how ketchup and fries came together... It was just fate.
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They say you can see to the soul of a person through their eyes, but reading what they wrote would be a lot easier because not everyone's a psychic.
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Selling rubber bracelets for money to go solely to a charity was a great idea... because it made millions... But when I came up with the idea of selling rubber bands for money to go solely to my Swiss bank account, it didn't quite sell as well. Why do two similar concepts get such different responses?
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When you're being chased by the feds, make sure you run into a crowd of marathon runners. That way, you'll have the motivation to cross that finish line and win the race, making you run faster. If the feds hit you with their car in attempts to "cut you off at the pass," you can sue them later for costing you the race.
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I never quite got the figure of speech "That's like comparing apples and oranges."
They're both fruit, so that's not a good analogy. I'd like to propose to the government or Wikipedia that it be changed to "That's like comparing apples and pragmatism" because clearly, there are no relationships between the two, and I need to use that word more in everyday life.
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I think the ideas associated with the imagery of obese people were driven by corporation greed. The head hanchos of those businesses needed to make themselves feel overtly important, which means that someone had to be the target of degradation.
But why the obese people? Why not target something that wouldn't be hurt? Like rocks? I kick and fling rocks across water all the time. They seem unbothered and quite happy that I'm having fun.
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You know what a funny invention is? Grenades. This teeny hand held egg with something not too different from a hairpin the only thing from keeping it from going off and killing you. Who came up with THAT idea?
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I think offending yourself is the best way to understand what you're doing... like when driving, you should try to run over your own foot, but make sure you have insurance coverage 'cuz those Insurance guys are making way too much money. Might as well give them some paperwork to push to get your money's worth.
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I think the street tough guys of Japan are a lot harder for me to identify than the street tough guys of the U.S.... mostly because those of Japan are skinnier than me, so I get all confused.
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I think a person's name really does leave a significant impression on others. That just goes to show you that people can be so judgemental.
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Lap dances are way overpriced. $20 for a 3 minute song... So you figure that's about 20 dances in an hour... That's $320 for a day!
That's what retired military/law enforcement consultants charge government and commercial (video game/movie) projects! So THAT's how they pay for lap dances!
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Why are chips so damned addicting that you can't just have one? I'd like to get that secret chemical and bathe in it before I go to a dance club or bar... that way I know the ladies would just want me with their beer, and then, aw yeah, I steal their beer and get free drinks.
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When people do stuff that's frowned upon by the rest of society, why do they say s/he is "sick"?
I mean, those people in extra risque adult films looked perfectly healthy.
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Nothing quite like going to a sports event thanks to the atmosphere of it all: Complete strangers sitting beside you, chugging on $10 beer with you, cheering for your home team and booing the visiting team together... wait a minute... that sounds a lot like a group date... ewwww....
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If I were a cop, instead of cash bribes, I'd expect special favors. I want cutsies in long lines, VIP seating & treatment, and complimentary drinks for my buddies and me.... because that's what the cash bribes would've ultimately gone to anyway, so I just saved myself a step. I'd be an efficient cop.
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What's worse than hard work? Long waits... 'cuz ya never know when you have to go to the bathroom.
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Comic book artists used to be able to make a whole lot of money, but their industry has taken a serious back seat to animated renditions of similar work, especially with the anime boom in effect. Just goes to show that people like seeing things moving. No wonder kaiten (revolving counter) sushi is so fun. Whee!!!
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If I creep people out, I really wouldn't be too surprised. If people jump out of a dark alley and scream "They're out of beer!" at me, now THAT would definitely surprise me.
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I feel really sorry for the creatures who are immediately avoided thanks to their names... Like stinkbugs, for example. Folks just won't want to even make an effort to get to know them thanks to their name... so the way to get people interested again is to associate that with something that they like...
Like when people talk about a "flea circus" they want to know more about fleas... although they may come to regret it later on 'cuz fleas are nasty.
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Never try talking little furry woodland creatures out of gathering food for the winter. It's just nutty.
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If I were an alien from outer space, I wouldn't be too into that anal probing stuff. There were just some things that should be left alone. There's not enough soap in the world to help me get through that.
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A lot of people dedicate songs to others. If I were to dedicate something to someone else, I'd dedicate my action of doing laundry because damn that smells good when it's all done.
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They say a man probably invented the bra, and by they, I mean a lot of women... Yet they still keep on wearing 'em. Just go without! Be free! Be free!
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Ever wish that the more you push the button, the faster the elevator would come? Who cares if someone else is already in it?
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I think someone should make the pee pee dance popular in night clubs everywhere. That way, everyone knows how to do at least one popular dance step. Not sure the dance floor would be too popular though.
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I've come to the brave conclusion that we need more kinds of barbecue sauce in this continent.