2008 wasn't a good year for me. I had a few losses. But we are all bound to. I lost my dear Grandmother. Life is a bit different without her. I grew up with her and did my best to spend as much time as possible with her.  I learned so much from her passing, about myself, about her, about life in general. I know I always think of her when I make coffee. Those last few nights those few of us spent with her-she had a routine. A routine she remembered well. She may not be remembering too much too well, but this, this routine, she did. When you wake up, you bee-line it to the coffee maker. At the end there, she would do this routine at 1am, then 3 am, then 5 am. And each time, she looked at me as if I was insane when I asked her "Grandma, why are you making coffee now?" That got me thinking----living in the here and now....it's okay. Growing old is a fascinating, yet cruel thing all rolled into one. She did it well, and briefly. Best you could ask for. I will never forget her face when we picked her up for her last dinner with our family-in Portland-miles away from the home she knew and loved and said, as she laid eyes on my husband...."how's married life?" I nearly broke down. She knew who I was. She knew who he was. She knew where life stood. Her smile was bright, happy. I think she was okay with things. I hope to this day that she was. Grandma, I miss you. We all miss you. You were our family matriarch. And you weren't as confused as those doctors thought you were. You were just older. We all get older. You remembered  the important things.

     My running. I lost 7 months of my life this year because I tried to recapture something I love without factoring the aging and time thing. Sure, it was easy 12 years ago. It is a true sign that time marches on, and that our bodies do too. I will get back into my running, but smarter this time. I endured broken bones and time away from work, which was bittersweet. It puts things into perspective. To want things you can't have. To realize just how much you DO have. To find patience. To be a patient. To count your lucky stars that it wasnt' something worse. To slow down and smell the roses, and find yourself once again to realize that is is okay to focus on yourself for once, to sleep, and do nothing for a little while; TO HEAL. We all need time to heal.  to realize that I was right with my goals, just wrong and impatient in my approach. Running a marathon before I am 40 IS possible. I just need to be smart about it. Losing those 7 months forced me to look beyond my comfort zone. What wasn't working, and what might. Western Medicine looked East, and found success. I mix the two now. Naturopathic medicine has put me back onto the path of finding my running-the right/smart way again. Western medicine told me I will never do that again. Eastern said I will. And soon. I have found that positive energy again.

    Nursing is always there. Evolving. Sympathy and empathy hit home this year. Watching my Grandmother go the way she did humbled me. My own family went through the very things I would loathe day in and day out on the job. Compassion fatigue suddenly smacked me upside the head. My career is always changing. I love that I have chosen one that can. With my training, experience,  and education I get closer to what it means to me and the true path I was meant to take. Where I can best make a difference. I can thank Grandma too, for that motivation.

     Gains and losses. With what I have lost, I have gained and learned so much. Here's looking ahead to 2009. No New Years Resolutions this time. Just looking forward. And being so glad that I have what I have. Thanks to all of you who have been there for me....in the good times and bad. And Grandma, thanks for everything. I learned-and continue to learn-from you and your life.