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Once again, author/screenwriter Jonathan Bernstein and I watch TV and email each other about it! This
recurring-when-we-happen-to-get-around-to-it absolute masterpiece of a column also appears at
his blog:
http://www.jonathanbernsteinbook.blogspot.com/
where
you can comment without signing in if you feel like commenting but have
no myspace. And now...TV Club part THREE! (side note: my latest
episode of FAMILY GUY airs this Sunday at 9pm and is called HANNAH
BANANA!)
So You Think You Can Dance
JB: Ryan and Ellenore, Legacy and Kathryn, Latin chick so hot she
makes Shankman re-assess his sexual orientation: I got love for all
y'all but you better move out the way or you're gonna get squashed
under the tween-fuelled Mollee and Nathan juggernaut. I also hail the
return of the deep-thinking artist that is Wade Robson. By an amazing
coincidence there used to be another choreographer named Wade Robson;
he even had own MTV show, `The Wade Robson Project', but that guy was
NOTHING like the one we now know. The goofy thing about Wade's Van Gogh
routine is, if he'd told the couple they'd be playing Space Invaders or
kernels of popcorn the routine would have been exactly the same.
Brilliant reverse psychology from Lythgoe. After last season's Katie
Holmes' fiasco, he's making it seem like procuring the services of
Paula Abdul is almost impossible. Dude, we could probably get Paula
Abdul to guest-blog here with the promise of a tap shoe filled with
Klonopin.
CC: Legacy/Kathryn is totally my stealth power couple. I
was all set to hate Legacy. Like, I'm totally obsessed with Russell,
who needs to be unshackled from Squeaky Voice McGee, stat, and I was
ambitiously trying to leap ahead of the masses and get in on the ground
floor with Victor Smalley, who I swear is this year's answer to Danny
from season 3, but then here come Legacy and Kathryn, killing it last
week and again this week. By the way, will someone please explain
Nathan's surprise stomach fat? He's such a pretty boy that I totally
thought he would have a sixpack and instead he's veering much closer to
Kasprzak territory.
Sex Rehab With Dr. Drew
JB: You know the biggest enemy of the
semen-stained wretches checking in at the camera-shy doc's Pasadena
hellohole? It's not the internet. It's not their neglectful parents.
It's HD! I have never seen such a brutal parade of adult acne. There
isn't an inmate whose skin doesn't look like the surface of Mars.
Except for lovely swimsuit model, Amber Smith, veteran of Celebrity
Rehab and Sober House. She's rotting on the inside.
V
JB: Meh, except for Morena Baccarin. And speaking of freakish, lizard-skinned alien women:
Tabatha's Salon Takeover:
JB:
The Real Housewives, Rachel Zoe, Jackie Warner, Kathy Griffin and now
this addition to Bravo's gallery of grotesques. John Waters can die
happy knowing someone's carrying on the proud tradition he started in
the 70s. Seriously, once Tabatha's done reducing stylists to tears and
IBS, she needs to start hunting down inept Australian plastic surgeons,
starting with the one who did THAT to her face.
Mad Men
JB: Remember that show American Dreams? Set in the 60s?
Suburban American family learning valuable lessons as significant
historical events unfold around them. Lots of montages set to `The
Times They Are A-Changing'. Desperately sappy. The JFK episode was the
first, and hopefully last, time Mad Men made me think of that series.
In more exciting news, one of the unemployed actors from my gym finally
got a job! He played the bandleader at Roger Sterling's bridezilla
daughter's wedding.
CC: Oh no, JFK died. Blah blah blah blah blah
MORE JOAN AND ROGER PLZKTHX. I didn't even get into this show until
this year and I basically want to put John Slattery in a box and just
watch him do mundane stuff, like order food off menus. AWESOME
TRIVIA: he and January Jones were both in Dirty Dancing 2: Havana
Nights, which I know because I may or may not have seen it in the
theater opening weekend, by which I mean I totally saw it in the
theater opening weekend.
JB: EVEN MORE AWESOME TRIVIA. I wrote the
first draft of Havana Nights when it was supposed to star Ricky Martin
and Natalie Portman. The script was, obviously, spectacular but there
were creative differences with the studio who failed to get behind my
artistic vision of filling every page with gay jokes about the leading
man.
X Factor
JB: In Britain, this show gets an
audience of upward of 15 million. At 8pm on a Saturday night. (The UK
version of Dancing With The Stars is opposite. It comes close to 11
million. That's actually more people than there are in the entire
country since swine flu). Let's watch the most popular act:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?..v=QsUdK4BuaYw
And next week, they do the Ghostbusters theme!
CC:
Why have I not learned my lesson yet about clicking on these links you
keep sending me with these two douches? My eyes, they must be gouged
out. Now. *runs off to gouge*
Top Model
CC: On the one hand, I enjoy when they get a legit
model to come in and give legit advice. On the other hand, it was
Marisa Miller, who is hot or whatever, but also incredibly boring and
has a bizarre boob-to-arm-fat ratio happening. Like, there should
really be more arm fat on a person with that much boob. The whole
effect is just disconcerting. You agree, don't you, all the boys who
keep buying her SI swimsuit issues? No? Just me? Backwoods Bundchen
(TM JB) FTW still!
JB: This boob/arm paradox intrigues me [rewatches
in slo-mo,forwards frame-by-frame,fast-forwards to the bit where the
mod-ettes jump in the water and then roll around in the sand,rewinds]
Can't be certain. More research required.
Friday Night Lights
CC: I can't even fucking deal with how much
I love this show. I seriously practically cried when Landry said the
first "can't lose" during the season premiere. Everyone who does not
love this show deserves to be shot in the face.
JB: I heart it too,
fellow DirecTV customer. The East Dillon storyline is awesome and makes
Saint Tami into a bit of a turd. Really wish they'd have found a way to
give Saracen a happy ending and write him out. Having him hanging
around makes my heart hurt. L'chaim to Riggins and Landry on the event
of their upcoming disastrous relationships.
7:41 PM
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