Rule #1 - Anything Is OK Between Consenting Adults

Ok, I've been wanting to write this for awhile, the expansion of my Rules of Engagement for Successful Relationships. (I hope anyone who reads will get something out of it, but, I'm writing it for myself first and foremost to reiterate my own standards of how I'd like to live my life.)

Let's first define "relationship". This word is so loaded in most people's minds, and we too often shy away from it because of "what it means."

Relationship- 1. a significant connection or similarity between two or more things, or the state of being related to something else 2. the connection between two or more people or groups and their involvement with each other especially as regards how they behave and feel toward each other and communicate or cooperate 3. an emotionally close friendship especially one involving sexual relations

We have relationships with everything and everyone we encounter all day, every day. We are dealing here primarily with definitions 2 & 3. There are plenty of people who don't want to hear this, but, as soon as you enter another person you enter a relationship. So quit getting hung up on labels with connotations and accept responsibility for your actions. You're in a relationship - you just entered one with me by reading my private thoughts, see how quickly that happened? The quality and longevity of any relationship after the first introduction depends entirely on your ability and desire to negotiate, compromise and CONSENT.

So, anything is ok between consenting adults. Yes, this covers the obvious. No ALWAYS means No and 30 year olds should not date 15 year olds. Common sense so often disregarded. If you can't understand "No" or you're a 30 year old dating a 15 year old, you've got bigger problems than I ever care to touch and you should seek intensive emotional therapy ASAP.

So, once you've given the physical consent and you've entered your relationship, the next step is emotional and intellectual consent.
Consent – v. 1. to give permission or approval for something to happen n. 1. acceptance or agreement to something proposed or desired by another 2. agreement on an opinion or course of action


We unconsciously give our consent about the little things all the time, what movie to see, which restaurant to go to, your place or mine. We fall into patterns and routines and shape our feelings around the assumption that time spent together equals significant attachment, mutual wants and gains. We can't give consent to the bigger, personal, emotional issues when either we don't ask the questions to begin with, or, the one asking is only willing to accept the answers s/he wants to hear.

Which brings us to

Rule #2 - Establish Boundaries.

The boundaries you can live with can only be established by giving or asking for consent. It seems people often wake up one day and find themselves lying next to someone they barely know entrenched in a situation they barely want. Why? They've been giving unconscious consent without forethought or consideration. By the time they realize they do not consent to this relationship and these boundaries, it is too late to get out without hurt feelings, bruised egos and possibly a lotta "drama". These same people are often very kind and don't wish to hurt the person they're with and so they stay in a situation they don't want - sacrificing their own happiness, prolonging an already failing relationship and creating more pain in the long run when this assumed affair finally blows up.

Establishing boundaries is (for me anyway) one of the most crucial, and difficult things to do. To ask for what you want from another person means being vulnerable, means playing your cards first, means opening yourself to rejection. After a lifetime as an actor, you'd think I'd be able to let rejection roll off my back like sweat in Texas in August. But no, rejection is one of those things that will always sting. How much and how long the pain lingers, however, is entirely within our control. (Rule #6 Don't take anything personally. More later.)

One of the most difficult things about establishing boundaries, is making them stick. Even the borders of major countries can't really be considered permanent, how can we possibly draw lines around the borders of the human heart? The heart is fickle (I'm a Gemini, I can't help it), the capacity for love ebbs and flows, shrinks and grows (look at the Grinch), patience waxes and wanes (damn moon, damn hormones), time is limited and precious (stupid career).

Again, it is all about the willingness to be honest with yourself first about what you want and need and then being able to communicate that clearly and effectively to the person you want it from. The only way I know is brutal honesty. Negotiate. Compromise. Accept. Realize that YOUR consent is your first bargaining chip in these negotiations. Understand the power of giving your consent and don't give it unwittingly, without thought. Determine which issues and choices require meditation and reflection. Know that you can retain your power to give consent and once given, it can still be rescinded at any time. As soon as something hurts you, then you are no longer in a consensual situation and it is time to speak up and lay down a boundary. Don't demand instant consent from your partner. Give your partner room and time for his/her own meditation and reflection.

Room and Time.

Rule #3 Always Leave an Escape Route.

Right now, my time is limited and I shall resume the next installment at a later date.