Rule #3 Always Leave an Escape Route.

And, we're back. Hope you missed me. Maybe you're asking:

"Escape route? Why do I need an escape route from love? I just met this awesome person and we're in love and we are going to spend every single minute of every single day together and there's nothing you can do to stop us!!!"

Ok, have fun with that and let me know how soon you get sick of each other.

I don't think the escape route option occurs to most people when they are in the thick of passion and bliss. All that consenting and establishing boundaries takes so much effort and energy that once it's done, you want to lay back and relax. So you do. You get comfy, you have time to look around and suddenly you realize your boundaries are too damn tight. You've boxed yourself in! Lord, please don't let it be for life!

This guideline has always resonated deeply with me. As a young child of the 1980's, I was terrified by movies like "The Stepford Wives" and countless Domestic Abuse Movies of the Week and After School Specials where women and children were trapped in violent loveless marriages and torturous households. Also, as the oldest girl of 9 children, I got enough diaper changing experience to last this entire lifetime. Looking for an alternative to the "Get Married, Have Babies," lifestyle (not that there's anything wrong with that) was a natural instinct. I got lucky. I found my lifelong escape route when I was five years old. I knew the first time I stepped on a stage that I would pursue a life there, not in the kitchen, neither pregnant nor barefoot. Whatever disappointments I may encounter in my relationships (personal or professional), I have an arsenal of interests to draw upon during times of distress or duress. Find whatever it is that deeply stirs your spirit, challenges your mind and warms your heart. Never lose that. Acquire as many of these "Tools of Mass Creation" as you can. Let them light your path out of ANY unpleasant situation.

The escape route is all about being true to oneself, always maintaining your own identity, not allowing your relationships to dictate all of your choices. An early mistake in many romantic relationships is to expect round the clock contact. Recently, someone I had been seeing for only a few weeks said to me that he was finding it difficult to occupy his time when he wasn't with me. Albeit very flattering, I found this shocking and replied that he should be doing whatever he'd been doing before he met me. He's a bit older and retired and it turns out he really wasn't doing much in the last year since getting divorced. A very kind and generous person, this is a man so eager to be in love, his entire life has been about providing for wives and children. Working his body to the limit in various occupations, surviving two marriages, four children, two strokes and open-heart surgeries, this man just wants to be wanted. He spent the better part of his life providing for others, never providing for himself, and now that he's alone with himself he doesn't have much to do. He is completely ingrained in the thought pattern that relationship = fulfillment. He looks for joy outside of himself rather than within. Dangerous. Always look within before you see without.

Too sappy? Too cliché? Too bad. You are the person you must please first. Then worry about all the rest of the people clamoring for your energy and attention. Take your time in deciding your boundaries. The relationships that burn the brightest burn out, don't they? Instant attachment gets messy when it's time to detach, doesn't it? For as kind and giving and flattering as the man above was, he desired far much more of my time than I could possibly give. Especially considering he wanted it after our first date! Sure, you may know the instant you meet someone whether or not you want to make out with them, but you have to KNOW someone before you can know you want to build your life around them, or even near them. That takes time to know and space to grow. (hee hee I like to rhyme, I can be cheesy any time.)

I don't care what stories your grandparents might have about running the family business day in and day out for 40 years, every moment a joy just to be together. No relationship can survive complete immersion. At some point everyone needs a break. Everyone needs their own space and time. Maintain the friendships and interests you had before you met your new love. Maintain your goals and identity. Have regular "Gals/Guys Nights Out" without your partner. If you truly love, respect and trust each other, supporting each other's need for creative outlets, unusual hobbies and social interaction takes no effort at all. Possessiveness and jealousy have no place in a healthy relationship. They creep in because in some way, large or small, someone is being untrue to their Inner Self. Some sure signs that you are living an unhealthy relationship are feelings of isolation, depression, lack/loss of inspiration/ambition, anger and denial. Make sacrifices, but never let them be your Self.

The sun does not become the moon because your lover (or parent, or boss or guru) said so and going against your own senses is a crime against yourself. Tragedies such as "The Taming of the Shrew"* or "Romeo and Juliet", are tragic because at least one party is forced into a non-consensual relationship with absolutely no way out but submission or suicide. If you know your escape route, you'll most likely never find yourself in this kind of tragic circumstance. But, we all know love is blinding. I have come as close as I ever want to feeling like I had no way out. It is the worst feeling I may have ever known and I broke all the rules to get myself there. I can give myself a break by saying I was just researching the absolute limits of this guideline, but I know better. I saw Tori Spelling in "Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?". Always, always leave an escape route. When it's time to get out, GO. And wear sensible shoes you can run in.

* Yes, The Taming of the Shrew is a tragedy, not a comedy, and I am writing the book to prove it.

Next Installment - Be Impeccable With Your Word, Never Make a Promise You Can't Keep.