Hey all,

Well just letting ppl know I'm still among the living. I have been through a lot these last few months. Ups and downs have been more the constant then the occasional. Just when I feel like I overcame I fall hard. Been there? Yeah most of us have. Well I think I've hit the lowest yet but I can say I still have a lot to be grateful for. One is my health. The other is the love of my mom and Brother. They have been such a big help to me and I am really grateful. Every major challenge I have ever met up against in my adult life I have been able to count on one person to be there. Unfortunately the greatest challenge that I have ahead is coping with that very person no longer sharing the weight of my problems with me. Being alone has always been something I feared and to this day I am still haunted by that fear. This fear however will no longer bind me or seduce me to conform. Did I want my best friend to go? No, but to change, yes.  I have realized that change is not something that you can force on someone but change comes to those who seek it. Sometimes ppl change in the opposite direction that you hoped and pushed for.  I've seen some one whose heart once beat for my own now be drawn away. I am not glad she is gone but I must say there are no excuses for me. I must move on and walk the path that has been laid before me. Where it will lead only God knows but I hope the least I can do is to take it step by step. I believe this is the first step in my journey. Even though I know it's not the last. I feel as though it is the heaviest to make. I know I have failed many but I must be true to my self. I have failed my dreams and I am sorry to have come short. The truth is I don't have many friends that remember me alone. Everyone will probably know me as Mario, Ericka's husband well I believe that that title no longer bares any meaning. I no longer deserve that privilege and distinction. Who am I now.... I Don't Know. As long as I can remember she was who I was. It's a strange feeling I have no identity. How will I know who or what I am? Should I be who I was before her? GOD, NO. I have come too far for that. The truth is that I am scared but I will use that fear to move on. I will no longer be distracted by uneventful things. Habits are extremely hard to break but they said the cure to a bad habit is to replace it with a good one. In the aftermath I only hope I can replace enough bad habits to be worthy of someone's love.  But who am I to judge good and bad. Some say that knowledge comes from God. A lot of you know that I once was a faithful believer in God and Piteous living but that has died in me.  Will death reveal the truth of birth? Will my marriage dying breath life into my soul. Only God can answer such questions. Why it happened is obvious it bares a name. The name is a five letter word and it spells Mario. I am at fault I could have made the right choices I could have chosen not to hurt her so many times. I know now emotional wounds are harder to heal than physical ones. I hope one day the damage I have inflicted on her will be healed and that she may erase me from her heart as the cause of her pain. Does she love me I think so but I don't think that is enough in her eyes and I don't think it is enough either. Its cliché but you hear all the time if you love something let it go well I think we did just that. Today was our sixth year anniversary and it was the first time we weren't together. I am man enough to say I am wrong. I know it and so does she. But time is forgiving am one day I will be able to give my heart again. The next time if it ever comes I will not be so arrogant. Is this really the end to us I can't say for sure . However by her actions and words I do belive that it is. In any event I am looking ahead to a brighter future.