Band Advice to Club Patrons (thanks to Larry Brewer of The Rainmakers, Jackson and the No Hit Wonders)

TALKING WITH THE BAND
The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is at
the middle of a song when all members are singing at the same time (such as
a multi harmony part). Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your
tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us, musicians
are expert lip readers too. If a musician does not reply to your question or
comment during a tune, take this very personally. Singers have the ability
to sprout a second mouth to talk with you and sing at the same time; if the
singer doesn't, it's because they are purposely ignoring you; if this
happens, immediately cop an attitude, we love this. When an entertainer
leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head and yell directly into
their ear, holding their head so they cannot pull away from you, this is an
invitation to a friendly game of tug of war between their head and your
hands. Disregard any respect for the musician's hearing.

REQUESTS:

Musicians are expert mind readers. Only refer to your requests with the
phrase "play my song"! We have a chip implanted in our heads with an
unlimited database with the favorite tunes of every patron who ever walked
into the bar, so feel free to be vague, we love the challenge. If we do not
remember exactly what tune you want, it's an intentional ploy to offend you.
Remember, entertainers live to be offensive; we stay up all night thinking
up ways to do this; we also never get enough abuse so any abuse that you add
will keep us in line. If a band tells you they do not know a song you want
to hear, they either forgot that they know the tune or they are lying to
you. Try singing a few words for the band; if one member halfway knows part
of a chorus, the rest of the band will instantly learn the entire song by
osmosis. Knowing this, if the band still claims to not know "your song" just
keep requesting the same song ad nauseum. Never try to request another tune
the band actually knows. Scream your request from across the room several
times per set followed by the phrase "AW COME ON!" Exaggerated hand gestures
expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big help such as the
"thumbs down" or your middle finger. Put downs are the best way to jog a
band's memory. This instantly promotes you to the status of "Personal Friend
Of The Band". If your choice of music is a complete departure from what the
crowd loves (and cannot get enough of), ignore this. The band will try to
resist playing your vastly superior selection; never mind that the crowd
would instantly vanish for the remainder of the night if your request is
played. Simply put a lot of money into the tip jar to bolster your argument;
this will circumvent any lack of knowledge they have about your requested
tune. The more money you tip the band with, the more power you have to
dictate what happens on stage. Feel free to use your money to bully the
band. Entertainers are notorious fakers and never prepare for shows, they
simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they will do once they
arrive. An entertainer's job is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so don't
let them off the hook. The band and club's income does not depend upon
numbers of people patronizing the bar, screw them, your request is all that
matters. If a metal band had played at the club for the last few weeks, the
next band that follows will automatically know every metal tune the previous
band played, even if the current band is a blues or country band. It's the
law. Feel free to yell AC DC or SLAYER!! to a band that plays strictly
originals or blues for example. Conversely, Deadheads may yell for Grateful
Dead tunes at a dance or metal band.

HELPING THE BAND

If you inform the band that you are a musician in a garage band or singer
in a Karaoke bar, be sure to let them know that you can run rings around
them and they need you in their band. In fact the sole reason the band has
not exploded onto the charts is because they do not have you as their "big
break". Forget that you have no experience on stage or in a recording
studio, or that you have no idea what a quarter note or a downbeat is, such
things are inconsequential. Tell the band unequivocally that your mere
presence as a member of their band will save them from the depths of
mediocrity and assure them of success beyond their wildest dreams. This
works every time. If the band continues to refuse your repeated demands to
perform with them, stand on the dance floor and perform with every tune they
do. Do everything you can to be louder than the band, if they won't let you
perform with them, be disruptive. Nothing asserts your superiority like an
out of tune harmonica, vocalist or a tambourine played out of tempo. For
extra credit, use these instruments in tunes that do not have them in the
original recording; musicians love to play cover tunes with instruments that
do not belong there; they will overlook how badly you play and will wonder
how they have gotten along all these years without you.

BONUS TIP:
As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and
then get on stage and start playing their instruments; even if you are 86ed,
you have made your point. The band will call you immediately the following
day to offer you a position.