Of the many, many things I read daily that erodes my confidence in the mental capacities of my fellow man, nothing shakes me to my core like this story.

It seems a high school science teacher, trusted with the science education of Big Sandy, Texas' precious, precious children, brought a venomous cottonmouth viper into class for the students to pet. Two students accepted the invite to give the snake some love, and were subsequently pumped full o' bitey juice. What a great learning experience!



Sure, you could imagine a bumbletard student staggering into class with a water moccasin after an all-night bender in the woods sniffing paint and sampling pills he found in the dumpster behind Walgreens, but this was the actual teacher. The actual teacher, as you might recall from your own days in science class, is expected to know something about science. Chapter one of my reptile biology book begins:

"When reaching down to pet an unfamiliar snake, remember that most of them don't like you, and do not wish to cuddle. Some, like cottonmouths, are so averse to physical affection, they'll bite you until you die."

I'll be happy to lend Big Sandy School District my book, and I'll suggest they pay special attention to the chapters on why you shouldn't try to french kiss black widows.