Dear Mr. Slow Driver in the Left Lane,



Please please please stop it. I know you like the left lane. I may even go so far as to say you must love it, since that's the lane you put your car in, despite the fact that you drive five miles per hour under the speed limit. That long line of other cars behind you can see you're in love, and that your love has deafened you to the sounds of horns, and blinded you to single-finger hand gestures. In case your swooning passions have kept you from realizing this, that lane is... not for you. It's just not. No matter what sweet moments you may have shared together, no matter how many lurid promises you've made to the left lane to keep it for you and only for you, no matter how the gentle vibrations of its smooth asphalt ride up your seat and seductively tingle your loins, you just can't be together anymore.

The right lane is for you. Sure, she's less alluring and well-worn from her many patrons, and yes, you will have to share her with the Buick LaSabres and the 1983 custom vans of the world. But that is who you were meant for. The left lane needs someone who can read their speedometer, and see that five-under is just not giving her what she needs. She needs someone who can move at posted speeds and occasionally even (gasp) faster.

It's for the best that you break it off now. Continuing down the road of forbidden love can only lead to disaster.

You'll always have the memories.