I am, right at this moment, sitting in front of my Mac, guitar pick dangling from my lips, trying to come up with funny things to sing. This isn't an unusual activity for me. I've been doing it since around 2003, when my "band" got some airtime on a local radio station to sing songs about tapeworms and dating a dead girl. We had concerts, had fans, and I even signed a breast once with a Sharpie. Sweet!

But now I've been assigned the task of trying to be the "entertainment" for my office's Not-Really-The-Holidays-Anymore-Holiday-Party at the end of January. This in and of itself wouldn't fill me with angst, excepting the fact that I've been gently instructed to "keep it PG-13."

This mandate came about because my "band" was the entertainment for last year's similar It's-Cheaper-To-Book-Banquet-Rooms-After-New-Year's Party, and it went, as far as I could tell, without incident.

Then, later I got word that someone was offended by the song we sing about disemboweling a midget, or maybe the one where we go bazooka bunny hunting, or maybe it was the one titled "Stinky Finger." But the powers that be asked us back anyway. To sing for everybody. So I'm trying to come up with new material that'll make them wet their shorts, snarf drinks out their nostrils and maybe even send my OH-so-hot wife into a fit of lusty desire for me.

But I just wrote a line about men wearing women's underwear that I think is really funny, and I know this is just the sort of thing that might make the Delicate Flowers of the office fill out their Offended Sensibilities Form we got from HR. So what the hell am I supposed to do? Kowtow to the easily offended and write jokes about toilet seats not being raised/lowered and airline food?

I think the important questions to ask here are:

1) Do I sacrifice my writing style for the sake of a few?

2) Do I turn to hack jokes to make for a sure-fire blah but safe evening?

3) Do any of the people who get pissy when I sing have the power to get me fired?

The answer to all three, thankfully, is no.

So brace yourself, office denizens. You're about to hear about men in panties.