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Christopher



Last Updated: 12/2/2009

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Gender: Male
Status: Single
Age: 25
Sign: Scorpio

City: CONROE
State: Texas
Country: US
Signup Date: 7/7/2004

Who Gives Kudos:

Sir Ighsrid (1)
Ms. Warning (1)
kate (1)
Monday, August 03, 2009 
Sometimes I can be a showcase of what a good, upstanding human being is. Those times bore me anymore, so as a necessity these days I tend to avoid them like lepers who are pro-snuggle.

That being said: Inspired by an online thread in which you text a random person and ask "Can I tap that?" I bring you the following (names edited to avoid suicide bombings):

...


Me: Hey, can I tap that?
-: ?
Me: See previous text.
-: Are you joking?
Me: No. A man never jokes about a single half Asian girl.
-: Wow...just wow.
Me: Is that a yes?
-: ...
Me: Your silence incriminates you. Be there in ten.

...

Me: Hey, can I tap that?
-: I don't even know what to say.
Me: "Gobble gobble" will suffice.
-: LOL
Me: Girls like a man who can make them laugh.
-: Dude, you're like a brother to me.
Me: There's a huge market for that you know.

...

Me: Hey, can I tap that?
-: What the fuck man?
Me: Simple. I want to tap that.
-: Tap what?
Me: Your face, with my Benny and his Jets.
-: That's just fucking gay.
Me: I prefer obsessively friendly.

...

Me: Hey, can I tap that?
-: LMAO. Are you serious?
Me: Like the Holocaust baby.
-: OMG. That's terrible.
Me: Give me ten minutes. Daddy will make it all better.
-: LOL. What the fuck?
Me: You = the fuck. Hopefully.
-: Jesus Christ Chris.
Me: Already taking God's name in vain. That's so hot.

...

Me: Hey, can I tap that?
-: :/
-: Joke?
Me: I would never tease you like that.
-: LOL
Me: Come on, pretty please?
Me: I've always wanted to fu...make love to a scene girl.
-: LOL. You're so weird.
Me: What if I up the ante?
-: What do you mean?
Me: I'll let you scream "Fall Out, Boy!" when I tell you I'm going to pull out.
-: WTF

...

Me: Hey, can I tap that?
-: So not funny.
Me: Aww, tough crowd.
-: You're an idiot and you know I've been dating - for years now.
Me: "Dating" is so subjective.
-: Not with us.
Me: I know a few guys and "I need space" moments that say otherwise.
-: Fuck off.
Me: Would it make a difference if I said I was sorry?
-: No, you reached a new low.
Me: No, a new low would be actually sleeping with you.
-: Fuck you. You're taking this too far.
Me: So help me put it back in.
-: Fucking asshole. Stop it.
Me: Fine, you win. You probably taste like Jew tears and day old salsa anyway.

...

And that, my friends, is how I spent Sunday validating myself and securing the VIP section in Hell. I hear Hitler gives weekly seminars.



7:45 AM
 
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Sir Ighsrid

 
BRAVO my good sir, BRAVO. a tip of the hat to you my friend. that's one of the funniest things ive read since reading a documentry on the word fuck. now you KNOW i loved that one
 
Posted by Sir Ighsrid on Monday, August 03, 2009 - 3:22 PM
[Reply to this] 
[deadthyme] radio show
Deadthyme-punk hardcore Industrial deathrock noise

 
Hahahaha- that's great.  I assume there were several who were more good natured/ better sense of humored about it that you didn't put up because they weren't funny. 
The big question- did you ask Clay?  Or even better would be that Denny guy, haha...
 
Posted by [deadthyme] radio show on Monday, August 03, 2009 - 9:46 PM
[Reply to this] 
Christopher

 
I got ignored a few times, and the ones that didn't make the cut were just confusing and not humorous enough to put here. I only sent it to people I never see and never talk to, so I didn't really care about the reception. And no Clay; I have a strict "if I can't bench press you, I can't tap that" policy. Standards and whatnot.

 
Posted by Christopher on Monday, August 03, 2009 - 10:47 PM
[Reply to this] 
Let it rain a thousand years a day...
Clay Sinclair

 
there's also a "never return calls or texts" policy in play as well.

I really wish this never made it off 'Nation -_-

 
Posted by Let it rain a thousand years a day... on Wednesday, August 05, 2009 - 9:44 PM
[Reply to this] 
Christopher

 
This didn't start on PB Nation; it's been everywhere for a very long time, and is a long standing online meme.

And I returned your text the last time to tell you I'd leave your stuff on my porch since I wouldn't be home, and never got a reply; don't whine, I didn't talk to ANYONE for a very long time. Now if you're going to yank me off of your friend's list, don't half-ass it and un-subscribe to me too. Not doing so just looks obsessive and a might bit creepy; why the option isn't there for me to yank people off I'll never understand.

 
Posted by Christopher on Wednesday, August 05, 2009 - 11:05 PM
[Reply to this] 
Let it rain a thousand years a day...
Clay Sinclair

 
of course it has; anything on /b/ has been long standing.

I never received a text from you ever since the weekend after your mom's birthday.

I took you down because I got tired of not hearing anything from you, so I deleted you. I didn't even know I had your blog subscribed to until you posted this.

Don't worry. I promise I won't stalk you too much

 
Posted by Let it rain a thousand years a day... on Wednesday, August 05, 2009 - 11:23 PM
[Reply to this] 
Christopher

 
Good, because after the last time I was sexually assaulted by you I swore to myself I would never be a victim again. And you're the only man of your generous proportions I know who can cry his weight in tears. Now, down to business.

Can I tap that?

 
Posted by Christopher on Thursday, August 06, 2009 - 1:57 AM
[Reply to this] 
JAMES DOWNS
James Downs

 
well, i'm a little hurt i didn't  i received my message. maybe it got lost in mail.... i know how the postal service can be i'll just wait by the mail box and weep until it gets here

 
Posted by JAMES DOWNS on Monday, August 03, 2009 - 10:35 PM
[Reply to this] 
anthony.
Anthony Stanford

 
Who was the bottom one!

 
Posted by anthony. on Tuesday, August 04, 2009 - 4:57 PM
[Reply to this] 
Heart::Atomic.Style
Lorne Knowls

 
And that my friend, is why I love you.

 
Posted by Heart::Atomic.Style on Tuesday, August 04, 2009 - 9:29 PM
[Reply to this] 
kate
kate Fowler

 
reading that was THE BEST thing that happened to me all day, and  i almost woke my kids up with my laughter.  thanks for sharing this expirence. it was a great read.

 
Posted by kate on Thursday, August 06, 2009 - 4:47 AM
[Reply to this] 
*

 
O.M.F.G. That was epic. Seriously, can I have your babies? XD

 
Posted by * on Sunday, August 16, 2009 - 2:40 AM
[Reply to this] 
Kate Elizabeth
Kate Elizabeth Murphy

 
Oh my Gooooood, you are so bad.  This is great. xD

 
Posted by Kate Elizabeth on Sunday, November 29, 2009 - 10:49 PM
[Reply to this] 
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