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Current mood:eslvndghdnvxjhvdkvhd
I'm going to try something here. Ever since 1998 or so, when I started typing these blog words, I've tried to describe the experience when my head does horrible things to me.
Do you know that feeling when you are running behind schedule, or are late? I hate to be late for anything. I continuously live with the feeling that one has, when he's running late to the time clock, or about to miss the bus or train. Which actually makes my skills getting to a bus pretty good.. But it makes my day to day life a living hell. Because I can be sitting at my desk doing my job, and suddenly feel this sense of urgency am about to blow a deadline, even though everything is on schedule. Pretty much, my brain is always chasing after a bus to catch it, even when I'm already on the bus.
Here's some other things that happen.. A lot. I have poor relationship skills with people. I'm not saying I am a jerk, even though some will tell you I can be a five star tool when I want to be.. I am absolutely dreadful at forming relationships with people. I am terrible at dating women, and probably even worse at being a boyfriend. Just ask Alethea. So, what I've done, is I pretty much put everyone in the same boat. I love everybody. If you are my friend, you are entitled to a lot of me. Emotionally speaking. I don't go "Oh.. Karl, he's a guy I have lunch with, Brad and I go way back, and I think that other person's name is Helen".. Everyone gets a seat at the table. Which is good if you're one of the 4th string people that should be put on the 4th string.. I really should consolidate the people in my life to a more intelligent ranking or for lack of a better word pecking order.
Because here's what happens. When someone gets angry with me, frustrated or whatever, it really IS the end of the world for me. I can't stand the thought of letting my family down, or a friend down.. If someone turns down my friendship, that's the worst feeling in the world. Now, a normal person would say. "F 'em". My brain operates in a total chaotic state.
Alethea has tried for years to act as a buffer between the crazed peanut gallery and my casserole of a head, until she herself has become a part of the screaming masses.
Last night I posted something somewhere on one of the websites I'm constantly posting too.. Tooter, or face space.. whatever.. I said "I'm getting really tired of having to deal with me all the time". Some folks took it as me being melancholy or sad. Which I am prone to do. What I meant was that I am tired of my brain doing 90 MPH in terror, when I'm sitting on my couch trying to decompress. I always feel late. I always feel like I am about to let some important person in my life down, and I always feel like I'm one heartbeat away from losing the people in my life that I love the most.
All week, I've been dealing with the emotional barrage that accompanies the days after a full moon, which my dear friend Kim Rodkey always said wreaks havoc on me. My brain is going too fast. And it's going in the wrong direction.
My nerves are rung out. And this is when I don't want anyone to see me. I'm not sad, or depressed.. I'm just beat up right now, and I feel late for something. I hope someone can understand that.
2:13 AM
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