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My doctor, or rather his nurse from somewhere in the middle east, called me two days ago to let me know that my triglycerides were high and I needed to start taking Omega-3. I don't even know what a triglyceride is. I also don't know what Omega-3 does. Let me repeat ... I am taking medicine I've never heard of, for a condition I know nothing about. Well, at least that's clear. And what's worse really is that this was just the most recent layer added to my ailment cake.
It all started, I think, with snoring a little too loudly for some roommates I had a couple years ago. Well, excuse me! Forgive a person for getting a good nights' rest. I let it go, but recently started noticing that I can fall asleep anywhere, anytime in seconds. No kidding. So I called the doctor. They said I probably have sleep apnea, and since it IS DEADLY, they set up an appointment. I thanked them for the courtesy. We're on a roll...
Last year, I went tubing down the Guadalupe River. On the first set of rapids I slid off of my tube and slammed, butt first, onto a rock just under the surface. No problem, I had a tube to sit on the rest of the day, right? The next day I was in horrendous pain. Did I mention I had to sleep on an air mattress that night? A year later, I still cannot sit for over twenty minutes without my ass bone aching. I hate my 40's, allow me to continue...
I have noticed that for the last three months, the frequency of my heartburn has increased to the point that I get it only when I breathe. Sounds fun, huh? I take twice the recommended dosage of heartburn pills because the recommended dosage should be prescribed for a pidgeon. I've also tried Prilosec and it works once it kicks in, which is approximately 4 days after ingestion. For more immediate relief, Tums is great if you like pink teeth. I'm in hell, moving on...
I opened my desk drawer yesterday, and felt an ache in my heart. Not the emotional kind, but an actual ache. I have felt it before, so I tried to ignore it. Then it happened again as I opened the stall door at Dennys. And once again getting into my car door this morning. Apparently, I'm getting chest pains from things that lock. Not even done...
Sorry about that, I forgot to mention a symptom of the sleep apnea. Since technically I can't breathe when I go to bed, I end up sleeping every night with my mouth ... you guessed it ... wide open. Just snoring away. I wake up daily with what feels like a fresh coat of varnish on the inside of my chomper. End up brushing my teeth for about a half hour. I can't believe my hair loss ever bothered me at all. It seems so long ago.
And now for the topper, the coup de gras, my closer ...
This past wednesday night, I decided to take a shower before I went out to eat. When I got undressed and stood in front of the mirror, I noticed something else. One was on the inside of my left leg and two were under my right arm pit. Wanna guess what they were? Skin tags! Are you kidding me? Well, I've had them before and I had burned them off with a matchstick. Don't ask, my mom showed me the trick years ago. Anyway, the last time I did that was easy. I figured this time would be no different. I was wrong. The two under my arm came off, but the one on my leg was a little bigger than I thought and apparently had roots. I burned and burned and burned, and it wouldn't come off. BUT, the next morning I noticed it did turn black ... like a tick. Now I had a dead black tick-looking skin tag that was still on my leg. Fortunately, I had thoroughly deadened the nerve endings, so I was able to cut half of it off with what else? Nailclippers.
Til next time, keep 'em laffin'....
4:09 AM
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