The Adventures of Fat Girl Volume I

Flying Fat

So my most recent musings were inspired by a 3.5 hour flight from Boston to West Palm. Although the thought of seriously drugging myself came to mind, I was able to resist the urge and write instead.

So I came up with an idea for us pleasantly plump travellers. The idea came as i sat down in the very last row on the plane and tried to lower the armrest. WHAT THE FUCK?? 3 days ago when I flew TO Boston my ass fit just fine. Now I can't even get the damn armrest down all the way. My hips are spilling out. This is sick.....anyway, this idea comes to me. How about an airline specifically for the fat people of this world!!!

First order of business, love seats instead of these tiny little plane seats. I don't know what size ass they are expecting to fit in these seats. My 8 yr old brother has a hard time sitting straight. But nice, big, cushy love seats would be perfect for a bottom like mine!! Each loveseat comes equipped with it's own (full) mini fridge. STFU, you know you didn't get that fat by ordering club soda and refusing that bag of honey roasted peanuts. So yeah, stocked mini fridge with tons of free alcoholic beverages and chocolate chip cookies....mmmmm...ahem

The aisles are a serious problem. I'm noticing this as the rhino in row 22 tries to get her carryon luggage in the overhead compartment. She barely fits sideways. I pitty the poor people who are actually sitting in the seats that her ass is about to occupy as she turns to walk back to her seat. All I could think was "godDANM is that woman large"....wait, no that's not what I was thinking. I was thinking that this plane could use a 3 lane highway for an aisle with a moving sidewalk. Yeah, again, don't knock it. You're just as lazy as I am.

I don't even want to go into the bathroom situation. A fucking walking stick would have a hard time squeezing their ass into that thing. And for the love of god can someone please tell me how it is even possible to wipe your ass when your knees are hitting the door?? As I'm trying to pull up my pants I've got a handicapped bar gouging into my side....I think this calls for an extra large bathroom, complete with jacuzzi tub and bidet...

My last qualm has nothing to do with being fat and flying...but everything to do with the state of our flight attendants these days. I say shorten the skirts and buy them big boobies. Cuz if i'm gonna pay half my monthly salary to fly 3 states away, I at least want a lap dance out of the deal....