so, here is a little update on how i feel right now. it's quite depressing, so stop reading here if you're in a good mood.


basically i recently noticed that i may became the kind of person i never ever wanted to be at all.
i live alone in a foreign city, barely having any friends at all. i work in a fucking office, for a firm i hate, doing stuff that doesn't matter. besides work i rarely find time or enthusiasm do create anything important. i come home, watch something, play something. bed. period.
i pay bills, i earn money so that i can pay for my car. i learn how to clean the floor, and i clean the floor. i clean the drainage.

as a former creative person i should hate myself for not creating anything for months now. but problem is i don't think it's my fault. i spend so much time being an adult. and i loose contact to everything else.
if i die now, barely anyone will notice that. only some online friends and my colleagues at work (at least till my follower begins his work, it shouldn't need more than 1~2 weeks to find him). i haven't had a relationship for 2 or 3 years now. and none cares about me.

i am 24 years old and the peak of my condition as a human being (physically) is beyond me. and i haven't reached ANYTHING that i wanted to up to this point.


and now to the really sad thing about all this: i feel okay about it all.
i have been through so much shit, and much more worse situations, i know how bad i could get (again).
but i have an income, i don't live on the streets and have all the technology around me that could entertain me for the rest of my life (without the need of social interaction).
and that is the main problem, i feel too comfortable about the whole situation and live in constant fear of the situation getting even more worse.

i am not a depressed person. i laugh everyday. i started dying, that's all.
i can't remember the point when i started falling down that downward spiral.

melancholy is the major feeling that haunts me every day. and every day i hate myself for what i've become and hope it's not too late to turn around a 180 degrees.
but right at this point i just can't do that on my own. i simply can't. i don't know how.


so, basically i wait for a miracle to happen. and until that i see the days passing by and feel my hate on the human kind grow more and more.

i feel trapped.
and alone.