Hey there everyone... so the past three months have been getting harder and harder to cope with.  I'm entering this so that i can remember all the things that would hurt more to forget.  oh well... in the past months my heart has been breaking a little more each time the clock ticks another second away, draining the blood from my body each time the second hand makes a full revolution on it's own face... soon i fear nothing will be left of my sinnfull shell.  People dear to me pass on and thing that once brought me absolute pleasure only bring me down. My dearest uncle, my closest friend has passed on...there was nothing i could do to stop it..  At the funeral, i found myself talking to him, that smile still on his face... his son...my first real friend held me.  He made sure i didint collaps into myself... he saw that once and told me he wouldent let me ever do it again. even if it ment that he couldent he would still try, never letting me go back to my state of mind, my reality, me hell. He whiped my tears and clamed my rapid heart over and over again and the whole time and he never showed weakness, he never cried even though it was his own father that passed on.... there is no force on hevan , hearth,or hell that could have stopped me from my own shut down if that happened to my father...we may not be close, but he has his points....sratch that...were just related... My dear friends heart beats with pureity...somthing mine dosen't...  He picks me out of my own dark self and shows the the good in the world, even when there is non visible to the human eye. His father's blood truly flows throught him and i hope somday i can see the same light he sees through his eyes...but not now, not while im still 6 feet under and trying to get myself out of this grave i've been put in...only time can tell my true fate but it seems the clock has stopped.....im not sure why but it has and its telling me somthing important...my boyfriend was a real jackass so i dumped him, and now i was just asked out by another friend of mine.  He's so close to me, that i guess i never saw his true feelings.  His smile was always so blury in my eyes it took untill today to find out their true focus...it pained me to turn him down, but i feel unbalanced.  When he asked me, my best friend was there, so seemed more shoked then i..nervously he asked and etched his number into my hand, as i look at it now..they sting..each number and digit has blood flowing and dieing under it...my feeling are only skin deep, feeling any deeper than that are under lock and key, to dangerous for even i to use...If i ever use an unnececery emotion  my mind goes haywhire and i cant focus.once someone's words hurt so bad that i passed out from the pain... and after that day, ive earned to unlock that same sting and use it... it hurts to see that my words can sting anothers heart...somtimes thats all my words do...even when i dont relize it...it come naturally to me...and it hurts mee more.  Sometimes my friends say that my word are like venom.... its good and bad... but thats off the point.. now that my emotins have been poured out onto this little document i feel its time to close...this computer has been flashing ad now its time to even stop its suffering but a shut down, but that dosent hurt it... its natural fro a computer to shut down, only sleep untill awakened for work the next day....oh how i wish i could do that, act as a mear computer with one simple job, not carrying the burden of a heart or emotions or feelings...