lol. okay now i think i'm starting to loose it. i wake up thinking it's tuesday and literally have to force myself out of bed because of the exhaustion i've been getting from the awkward hours and bus waiting, force myself to eat something when i really have no urge whatsoever, handwash my white shirt because i'm not suppose to be doing laundry more then twice a week but i have to work the front and back so i must look clean and professional, ride the bus for two hours all the way out to tempe when low and behold i don't have work today. lol. yes infact it is wednesday not tuesday and i have gone through all that trouble for not. i don't know where my mind is going these days.

the job is doing alright but i hate how no one really takes me that seriously. haven't had time to show them what i'm capable of and with the way people run things i don't know if i really will. the kitchen's methods sort of piss me off in all actuality. they tell me that i'm taking things to seriously but honestly they send some of the things out of that kitchen in a condition that would never fly with me. burgers with finger prints imprinted in the bread. sandwichs made with bread that was toasted 30 minutes ago. chicken tenders slapped down slopply sometimes under the fries that come with them and at a slower pace unless it's busy. i don't see why wanting to get it done as quickly as possible in decent condition and getting annoyed if that can not be done is a problem when i'm the one who is suppose to be expoing. it's just good work ethic. i let the sloppiness slide because no one else cares but when i expo it's really really hard to sit there and say nothing when people are half assing it and being slow at the same time. i mean seriously if you're going to take forever atleast make it look nice. shit. but whatever not my kitchen i just have to learn to hold my tongue and do the best that i can in the position they've given me. they started cross training me on about day 2 or 3 so i'm out front a lot of the time or rather whenever borris is there. the college students have actually been pretty cool and very polite. it's weird to always see the same faces coming in all the time though.

i think my smoking is starting to get a little bit out of control. not insanely bad or anything but i'm starting to go through a pack of black & milds and a pack of pall malls once everything three days. sometimes it literally burns going down my throat but i don't want to stop. i'm literally starting to notice the way that if i stop for a few hours i get cranky and my heart and mind lifts and i feel a buzz when i finally do get my smoke. the weirdest thing is even as i can literally start to feel myself getting sick at times from it i have no urge to stop. i just don't care. all the clear warning signs of an addiction. lol. it's funny a year into smoking and i start to get addicted. a few months ago i could literally go a few weeks and did without smoking and not have much of a problem but now i don't want to consider it. lol. it's rather funny.

started hanging out with jimmy again well sorta. he gave me a ride home the other day when he heard that i would be waiting for three hours other wise. it was pretty cool and as usual he slips into my life so easily so naturally like he was never gone but already i see some of our old problems and am reminded as to why things didn't work out. hopefully we can over come it this time. i certainly see things more clearly. he's looking for a room mate and i really should get out of this place especially since once they get their tax return they'll no longer really need me to get by. i know that he is one of those people that i could really live with and see on a regular basis and never get tired off and still be able to coexist peacefully.

it's weird. when i'm around people i really care about looking them in the face things just seem so simple and clear and i can talk and work out pretty much anything but when i get away from them or try and text or email things can get cloudy and overly emotional fast. so i'm going to stick to a new rule anytime there is a real problem or something important i need to talk to someone about always wait and tell them into their face and if that isn't possible be as detached as possible. yep that's the new method for me.

so on to look up superbowl commercials! :D

catch y'all later