Saturday at the Berkeley Public Library

It is saturday at the Berkeley Public Library

i stood outside for a while having arrived a few minutes early

with the rest who had apparently done the same

and as I looked at my newspaper in hand, more crept around

the closed doors

with no where to go but to take refuge

in the walls of stone and wood

how different am i from these around me?

I have no money and no home

no where to spend my time

i have my brain

and my body of which is controlled

by it

and i have a sack lunch in my bag

perhaps that is more, perhaps that is less

perhaps there are no ideas

there only just is

some had backpacks

and some spoke out loud to no one specific

i followed my eyes around the perfectly temperatured building

till i landed them on some music in the corner of a sitting station

the square, wooden desk

i believed the music brought me to this seat

i recognize the man with gray/silver hair

over there

and he is in the same spot as the last

day i was here – it must have been two

or three days ago – they seem to be blending

together

with no job and no car

these are the places i choose to go

the library and the park

and sometimes someone talks to me but

often times not

sometimes i feel that i am not worthy

of the freedom to just be

here or there or anywhere

without a purpose or a plan

but where else can i find my instincts?

how else will i know where to go?

sometimes i feel that i belong

with the rest of the "riff-raff"

i take pride only to myself

because i really do not know

they are only images and labels in my head

that i am in the process

of ridding my mind of

and i figure the only way to do that

is to experience it myself

but what am i talking to experience?

going to the library and spending the day here?

only to hop in the car with my boyfriend

at the end of the day

after he gets off work?

how it must feel to actually

be here and there and everywhere

might be more like sleeping on the cold concrete

wishing you weren’t so hungry and

tired

or it could be like the most freedom

one has ever felt in ones life

dependency seems to be there

on one "thing" or another

pick your poison

i guess

if i would have been brave

i would have insisted

that i wanted to be in nature today – from

morning til night, 11 hours

outside, alone

he said, "I won’t be there ’till late – you can’t be out there all day"

and i let the rationale ruin inner desire

my inner pull to connect

with what i only know is true

and i thought with all that time to meditate and take in

the perfection of life on earth

it would possibly bring me closer

to my Self-realization and my

True Nature

what i let frighten me was

fear of man

me, a girl, being out there all alone all day

how silly, how foolish

now i sit on wood and am surrounded by wood

that used to be a tree

one they cut down and cut up

and smoothed and sanded

and carved to make this named "desk", no longer an unnamed tree

how useful!

sometimes i think trees are much

more useful being "useless" standing

whole

much like humans

but more and more i see humans, as well,

cut down and cut up

we cut our hair – on our head, under our armpits, on our legs, between our legs

cut our nails

cut our fat, or suck it out

and inject other stuff

we cut up our faces – noses, lips and eyes

and cut down and divide our inner selves

as if the body, mind and soul

were separate

and when separate, partiality

comes into play and we choose

mind and we choose body

or we choose soul

where do they all intercept?

inside

and outside

just as the wind moves the limbs of a tree

showing the spirit of the earth

our inner spirit moves our limbs

what power!

a tree is alive and i am alive

a tree moves and i move

dried in the cement of the sidewalk

i saw written as i walked to the library,

"trees are brothers"

and i thought that was the universe

guiding me

because weeks ago i had the same thought

that trees, and all living things,

were our brothers

and sisters

and that i would like to acknowledge them

every time i pass

but there is so much life

that passes you by

as you walk down the street,

especially downtown,

that to acknowledge all living things

can sometimes seem difficult

yet only when i am living

in the divided, cut-up world

of this library and this wooden desk

but when i acknowledge all

and connect with All

and feel One

with Life

as in, Be Conscious of Being Alive

i have not to worry whether

other living things

already flowing with the One

River of Life

will recognize my acknowledgment

for we are constantly

when we are One

it is seeing ourselves

in each other

so i said hello to the trees on that street

and i was hit on by a guy with no teeth

he read my sweater, "I ’heart’ NY"

and said, "Hey – I love new york too, maybe we

should hook up!"

and i laughed and kept walking

i am safe because nothing

may take place

without the flow

or can we be outside of it?

are we only protected

when we are moving with

the beam of life

or is this river two sides

of the same whole

ying and yang

balancing – black and white (good and evil?)

would a balance between

black and white

be Gray?

and if i remain in Gray

will i remain unharmed?

this cut-up world

has got it backwards

our spirits are

much more powerful

than our physical

bodies and this

physical world,

unlike that which we are told

by society

but i forgive them

we are all mislead

if we are told from another

what to believe

and what is truth -

that is what my friend

taught me whom i met

in Washington Square Park

the other day

he caught me connecting with the living energy

around me whilst sitting

on a park bench

and asked if i was meditating

although my eyes were open

and this opened up

a real talk conversation

and he and i were One

we were easily comfortable

in each others’ presence

and speaking of truth

in our own experience

we let not cultural

norms and societal

terms

judge and deem our

serendipitous meeting

and so we stayed,

talking and exchanging

energy until

the universe told us it was time

to go

and we looked so different

from each other

and you would think we

would have thought so much

different as well

but we didn’t see the limits

that usually ensnare us

we could have very well been blind

and deaf

which we both agreed one of which

would be an enlightening experience

was the meeting real?

is this the life

of really Living?

when i put faith in the larger

meaning of life

if i can expect

spontaneity

around every corner

than i must

be on the right track

to Me

i am homeless

as you are homeless

i take this earth,

this universe,

as my home as you do

although they –

those cut-up people –

want to divide their lives

in any way they can

with track and model homes

and certain looks and images

of vehicles that harm the earth

and purses, bought in a moment

purses with certain lettered stamps

in leather

the cost could feed me for a month

how could the value of a

purse

be the value of someone’s

physical energy for days and days

oh, money – that’s how

but, perhaps

if we were still on the barter system,

someone would trade

a month’s supply of food

grown and toiled over the whole fall and winter

for a few inches of leather

sown together

if it had the right lettered stamp on it

perhaps

but it is not helpful

to think thoughts like that

because we are not bartering

we are raping

each other

and we don’t even know it

because the companies

are in control

privatization is the buzz word

these days

i call it government manipulation

and that’s why last night

when our friend

got drunk

and started talking about buying

some land

and building our own community

of like-minded people

i said i was for it

he’s a hippie

and doesn’t even know it

but that is only if i were living

in the box of the cut-up world

and labels

because sometimes i think ’hippiness’

is a good way to go

free love

free living

i don’t know enough about anything

to say what is a good way to go

but to step outside of this

prisoned society

and build our own

in hopes to effect positive change

to this sad cut-up world

sounds more appealing

to me

than jumping on the internet

right now

like i ’should’

and finding a job, a ’slave’

as Malcolm X called them.