Wow, well this has been the fourth Mother's day that I had to spend without being able to tell my own mother Happy Mother's Day and give her a gift physically. It's always so weird. I really miss her being here. I miss seeing her face, being able to give her a hug, and flower, and a card and thank her for being such an awesome parent. I still to this day haven't met someone more beautiful than she was, or so giving. I made my calls to all of the mother's I knew in my own personal life, but nothing hurts more than being able to tell your own Mother those word, and to be able to see her reaction.
The day was just so lonely and so difficult but what made me smile is the amount of support that I got from people. The calls, and the text messages, and the emails were so warm,and heartfelt and I appreciate that. The fact that someone would expend that amount of energy and just take the time out and think of me means a lot. Sometimes I think it's my moms sending messages to me, because she doesn't want me to me lonely. A lot of different people always assure me that she's still here walking with me, and every great thing, situation, or person that enters my life that it's because of her doing. It's just being that I've spent more years with her being in my life and being present physically than her being gone. I just hope that everyone took the time out and thanked their mom, expressed their gratitude, pampered them, took them out to eat. Something. Because I would give SO MUCH or ANYTHING just to be able to have the opportunities that they have.
It always hurt me to see people have a bad relationship with their mom or speak to them a certain way because where I come from your Mother deserves the utmost respect and should always be honored. I guess in life losing a loved one is never something that you'll never be able to forget but hopefully you learn how to cope with the loss better.
But Mom I know you're up there working wonders into my life, some of the things I'm not even prepared for. I thank you so much for being responsible for my breath and my ability to do the things I can do. I thank you for showing me appreciation, compassion, sincerity, honesty, selflessness, confidence, affection, authenticity, and most importantly UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. I love you so much, and really wish I had you here to aid me and to answer all of these questions I have now. I'm not used to having parents. I've only had you, so really you were my parents. I can sum it into words how truly great of a person you were. I wish you were able to really experience life more. I wish I was able to buy you a nice home one day that was just yours, and show you by saying "Look how we moved from me, you and Ashley from living in one bedroom and all sleeping in the same bed to you having your own space. I wish I was able to have the finance to buy you some of the best medicine and send you to the best physicians to help you deal with your disease better. I wish I could find you a true love, a man than that would love you in the way that you needed to be loved. It saddens me deeply that every great thing that happens in my life or will happen I won't be able to call her over the phone or have her present to bare witness. On birthdays I'm used to her being the first person to wish me Happy Birthday and give me the lecture on how I was born and how she felt. She would look so proud of me when she would explain this story and I loved every second of it. Man my love for my mother runs deeper than a billion black holes, or anything bottomless. I gotta give it up to that woman for being so giving, and so strong. I can't imagine what she went through inside dealing with being plagued with a disease out of nowhere. It would be so hard for me to maintain a smile on my face, and even being the way she was she was so much fun to be around. I truly regret not spending more time with her, or going in her room and just kicking it with her more often. Sometimes I used to go and just lay in the bed with her and fall asleep by her side. I wish I did that every night. Yo you really don't know the value of something until you're either at risk of losing it or you lost it. Please seize the moment yall. Mom it's hard as hell but I can't stop. Please keep pushing me forward cuz nobody sees how low I can get at times and I won't allow them to. I have to be strong for so many people, but I get weak too.
I appreciate the fact that the way you made me is that I can be a source of information or inspiration to many people. These are just things that God gave you and you passed on to me. Keep watching over Ashley and me and I know you will make sure your kids are taken care of. And when my life is through when I'm 106 years old I hope to be united with you again and spend all of eternity together... I love you MOMMY!