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Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping
I'm fascinated with some bathroom scales at my parent's house. They are a fairly good quality digital set (is it right to call the scales a 'pair' when there is only one of them?), and I found that I was weighing myself at every opportunity.
I have been somewhat surprised at how much my body weight can vary during the course of a week. Okay fair play - I have been getting plenty of food here compared to the diet of instant noodles I have been living on for the last few years, but I have also been getting plenty of exercise so it should surely cancel each other out.
I found out that your clothes can weigh anything up to four pounds (I'm very modern and use metric, but, for the benefit of the Luddites out there, I have converted to imperial), so the importance of getting on the scales bollock naked is paramount. The advantage of having the scales in the bathroom is that they are very convenient for weighing oneself before and after using the facilities. This means it is possible to roughly weigh the mass of one's shit and piss. I don't know if anyone else would find this fascinating or even mildly interesting, but I was amazed to find out it is possible to have a two pound shite. A really long piss, such as what you get after a night on the ale, could weigh up to half a pound. I even noticed a difference of several tenths of a pound after having a shower – that must be the weight of sweat and dirt plus what is loss through gaseous exchange.
A two pound shite is awe inspiring. Just think – it is the same weight as a bag of sugar. I don't think I have ever even eaten a two pound meal, so I must have been storing that fucker up for a few days. You can see why I skipped away from the throne like a spring lamb after laying that beauty. Whatever problems that I face in the world could be forgotten for a short while, as I rejoiced in the birth of a two pound turd. That joy was increased by then jumping on the scales and realising that not only had I lost some weight, I had enjoyed losing it.
While that giant shit lay in the bog, pre-flush and nestled in a bed of quality toilet paper (parent's house remember), I looked down at it as fondly as an angler views his catch and whistled admiringly. The turd looked back, winked, and said "Fare ye well, Mister. I have fond memories of being born in your caecum and having a comfortable journey along your colon. Ever after shall I treasure the loving caress of your mucosae as peristalsis propelled me towards the final parting of our ways when I squeezed through your rectum and prised open your anus. Mourn me not, Mister, and shed no tears (unless they be of relief), for I am destined for bigger and better things as I travel to join my brothers and sisters in Shit Heaven." Then I hummed a sweet but tuneless dirge as I ceremoniously flushed the two pound shite on its way.
If there is any message at all that can be taken from this blog, it is thus: if you want to lose weight, simply strip naked, piss, shit, and shower. My calculations show that it is possible to lose seven pounds in one day from using the above weight loss regime. Either that or just eat less and exercise more.
8:00 PM
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